Good morning everyone,
This morning I am not really in a better place than I was yesterday when I wrote my second blog post.
I pretty much feel trapped in this constant cycle of anger. This cycle has been going on for a few days now. It goes like this:
First I get angry for feeling that I am hungry. If this might sound confusing, let me explain where I am coming from. For the past year and a half, I never had to feel hungry. When I was so greatly immersed in Ed, I never felt hungry because Ed never let me. I became so detached from my body and its needs that I literally forgot what the sensation of hunger felt like. And for those times when I did feel hungry, a cup of tea, coffee or tiny amount of food would be substantial enough to subdue it. Now, that tea, coffee and small amounts of food are not enough to quiet my hunger pangs and that makes me angry.
I hate the fact that I need to feel this hungry feeling because it leads me to eat–another thing that I did not do when I was fully under Ed’s power. The minute I start eating, I get angry. I get angry at the sheer fact that I am eating and by eating, I believe I will get bigger and bigger. I already hate the changes my body has been making in terms of gaining weight, and eating will make it worse.
After I am completely done beating myself up, the healthy part of me gets angry at the Ed controlled part of me for even being mad at myself for something as natural and humane as eating when you are hungry. I should be proud of myself for eating and giving myself nutrients, but instead I let Ed get the best of me.
Last night, I was so angry at Ed. I wasn’t angry at him for making me restrict food, because I actually did the complete opposite of that yesterday and even the day before. For the past two weeks actually, I have not been restricting calories. I was mad at Ed for making me feel angry at myself for being healthy-for eating. I was mad at the hell he puts me through on a daily basis every time I try to push him away.
I cried on my boyfriend’s chest for an hour last night just yelling and screaming at Ed in my head “why are you doing this to me?”
This is the first time that my anger has ever come out in the form of crying, but for whatever reason it did.
I knew that when I made the choice to throw away my scale that it only meant one thing; true recovery. Even when I started treatment, I still had my scale. And as long as I had my scale, I knew I could not fully recover, actually I could not recover at all.
I even went as far to tell E (my therapist) that if I ever stepped on a scale again, that I would never come back from it. I would let Ed take my life, and in that moment, I decided to give her my scale.
I remember telling E about the dark days that I knew would be ahead of me, but I can honestly now say that I was not prepared.
I was not prepared for this cycle of anger, I was not prepared to walk around all the time feeling huge and hating my body, and I was not prepared for the mental work that it would really take to battle Ed and ultimately end his existence in my life.
And even through my anger, my frustration and my sheer and utter hatred for Ed and what he is putting me through, both mentally and physically, I know that this is only the beginning of recovery, and that one day I will be free.
One day, I will be free from Ed and his cycle of abuse and anger.
Today,however, I am not free from Ed. But I am alive; I am alive and I am moving forward in recovery, and to that I can say, “hello life.”
Hello Life: A Year Without A Scale 
Hang in there sweetie! Even for the most beautiful things in life that we want so badly when we get them sometimes we feel unprepared for the responsibility that comes with them. Overwhelmed with fears but just like those things… eventually we become comfortable with them and can fully enjoy them and not let those fears dominate. Eventually things that are so hard and painful now will lessen to the point that you can enjoy the good again. By good I mean nourishing your body and enjoying food once more without the anger. That’s not to say that Ed won’t be there in the background… but you will be ok acknowledging he is there and leaving him there in the back of your life no longer in the drivers seat.
I know you can do it!
keep on keeping on!
you are very right, one day these fears will be gone and I will be in the drivers seat. thank you for your amazing support and love every day i love u!
You’re so strong just for being this honest, never mind everything else you have to deal with! You give me, and I’m sure others like me, lots of hope. I intend to use my blog as an honest expression of my recovery and hope it will keep me on track!
Thank you so much for your comment, and it gives me strength to see that I am giving others hope. You give me hope as well through your support.
Dear Shira, First I want to tell you how addicted I have become to your blog. I look forward to it every day, and thank you for sharing your journey with me. More significantly, reading your blog has been incredibly educational and eye opening. I could not imagine the challenges you face on a daily basis, and that is after coming to grips with the fact that you have a problem that needs to be dealth with 24/7. I admire and salute your bravery and wish you success throughout this year. I know you are going to overcome. Much love…..xo
Hi Rhonda,
Wow I’m so speechless! Thank you for reading my blog and thank you so much for your love and support, it means so much to me. I am happy it is helping other people who have never dealt with an eating disorder maybe understand those who have. I love you and thank you for your words of encouragement and support they truly are helpful and give me strength.
Shira, the process is as important as the final goal… What seem impossible n difficult today will be the worth of your victory!!! Proud if u, keep going!!!
thank u i love u!
Shira, it is disheartening to hear that you wake every morning upset, yet this is the beggining of the healing process. My first suggestion would be to live each moment in the moment. A whole day of challenges might await you but in that particular moment when you open your eyes you are now 16 days and counting into a successful recovery process and that is something to be proud of. Start with the small steps of self encouragement to get past each obstacle. Another thought to keep in mind is that g-d is with you every moment of every day watching over you. We each have our own relationship with g-d and believe in different ways but as a young jewish woman you are blessed with the most powerful force in the world. Strengthen that relationship and understand that you are not alone. As your strength amplifies you will find Eds weak points and the anger will slowly dwindle.Stay strong champ!
Roey, Yes God is a very important part of my life and I know that he is putting me through this for a reason. Thank you for your advice and words of strength and encouragement. Each day is getting past a new obstacle in recovery. I look forward to reading your comments. Thank you!