Good morning everyone,
This morning I am not really in a better place than I was yesterday when I wrote my second blog post.
I pretty much feel trapped in this constant cycle of anger. This cycle has been going on for a few days now. It goes like this:
First I get angry for feeling that I am hungry. If this might sound confusing, let me explain where I am coming from. For the past year and a half, I never had to feel hungry. When I was so greatly immersed in Ed, I never felt hungry because Ed never let me. I became so detached from my body and its needs that I literally forgot what the sensation of hunger felt like. And for those times when I did feel hungry, a cup of tea, coffee or tiny amount of food would be substantial enough to subdue it. Now, that tea, coffee and small amounts of food are not enough to quiet my hunger pangs and that makes me angry.
I hate the fact that I need to feel this hungry feeling because it leads me to eat–another thing that I did not do when I was fully under Ed’s power. The minute I start eating, I get angry. I get angry at the sheer fact that I am eating and by eating, I believe I will get bigger and bigger. I already hate the changes my body has been making in terms of gaining weight, and eating will make it worse.
After I am completely done beating myself up, the healthy part of me gets angry at the Ed controlled part of me for even being mad at myself for something as natural and humane as eating when you are hungry. I should be proud of myself for eating and giving myself nutrients, but instead I let Ed get the best of me.
Last night, I was so angry at Ed. I wasn’t angry at him for making me restrict food, because I actually did the complete opposite of that yesterday and even the day before. For the past two weeks actually, I have not been restricting calories. I was mad at Ed for making me feel angry at myself for being healthy-for eating. I was mad at the hell he puts me through on a daily basis every time I try to push him away.
I cried on my boyfriend’s chest for an hour last night just yelling and screaming at Ed in my head “why are you doing this to me?”
This is the first time that my anger has ever come out in the form of crying, but for whatever reason it did.
I knew that when I made the choice to throw away my scale that it only meant one thing; true recovery. Even when I started treatment, I still had my scale. And as long as I had my scale, I knew I could not fully recover, actually I could not recover at all.
I even went as far to tell E (my therapist) that if I ever stepped on a scale again, that I would never come back from it. I would let Ed take my life, and in that moment, I decided to give her my scale.
I remember telling E about the dark days that I knew would be ahead of me, but I can honestly now say that I was not prepared.
I was not prepared for this cycle of anger, I was not prepared to walk around all the time feeling huge and hating my body, and I was not prepared for the mental work that it would really take to battle Ed and ultimately end his existence in my life.
And even through my anger, my frustration and my sheer and utter hatred for Ed and what he is putting me through, both mentally and physically, I know that this is only the beginning of recovery, and that one day I will be free.
One day, I will be free from Ed and his cycle of abuse and anger.
Today,however, I am not free from Ed. But I am alive; I am alive and I am moving forward in recovery, and to that I can say, “hello life.”