Day 29: Saying Goodbye

Hello everyone,

Today is a very sad yet crucial and life changing day for me.

Today I said goodbye to my best friend, love and boyfriend of three years.

I said goodbye to a family, whose become my family.

Even though I am writing from a place of heart break and deep sadness right now, I am also writing from a place of immense inner strength.

I have already been told to not write anymore “lies” on my blog, but that statement doesn’t bother me at all. This blog is not about other people’s truths and lies, it’s about my truth. And I will continue to stay true to myself .

By choosing to say goodbye to my relationship and my boyfriend, I have chosen to move forward with my recovery.

I remember the moment yesterday when I realized that I had two choices: either to be in this unhealthy relationship that is comfortable for me , or I can have recovery . If i stayed in this relationship, I knew I would deal with the pain and hurt it brought me by going back to my eating disorder.

Today I chose recovery.

Today I chose to let go of the life that I had planned in order to be able to embrace the beautiful and free life that is waiting for me.

Where at one time I could never have had the strength to leave my relationship and believe I deserved better, because he was all I had- I feel that I have the support I need now to do that for myself.

I feel like a part of me has died, and really, it has. My life for the past 3 years has died . And with that comes the slow death of Ed (my eating disorder).

Like I said yesterday, now that I’m not seeing life from Ed’s eyes, only seeing numbers on a scale and calorie counts, I am able to see things much more clearly . I can now see my future being filled with love , respect and kindness: staring with being kind to myself.

So as I am sitting writing this post in front of the house that I have shared with my ex boyfriend and his family, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of grief.

I never imagined that getting healthy and getting strong would result in such sadness and pain.

But I am strong and I will push forward for the life of freedom, respect and kindness that I deserve -both with my relationship with Ed and with others.

As I am getting ready to drive away from the house that I know will never be home again , I say goodbye to a beautiful three years yet I also say goodbye to yelling , goodbye to disrespect and goodbye to the painful feelings that often times led me to my eating disorder.

Hello to the strength inside of me that I never knew I had, and “hello life.”

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9 thoughts on “Day 29: Saying Goodbye

  1. When people mistreat others their only defense aside from admitting it is call the person a liar. To be healthy you will just have to let your truth be yours and his be his and do not listen to any truth but yours. It’s all that counts in your recovey. I’m sorry your in pain but I’m happy you are so strong and getting healthier every day!
    Keep on keeping on!

  2. You truth is the only one that matters , every one has their own truth but to you that’s all you have. The choice is to be true to your truth and you’ve clearly made the choice to do so. Your strength is so powerful and all p your friends and family are here to support you through this grief and difficult time. Keep your head up, as you grow physically and become a healthier person you are simotainiuously growing stronger mentally. It’s wonderful that you are able to focus on Ed and focus on yourself and your relationships. You are defeating Ed and at the same one defeating your unhappiness in other aspects of life. Continue to open your eyes, treat yourself well, and be you ! I love and support you every step of the way

  3. You’re so strong I love you, your giving yourself freedom your giving others freedom and the universe will give back to you exponentially.

  4. The way i see it is that your boy friend and family and many other people and things are and were the best thing that happen to you at the time. with out these people and experiences you wouldn’t be able to move on to where you are now. These experiences are representing you,so always respect your pass just like they will respect your present and future. You are changing the other people and friends stay the same they didn’t change ,you are changing and your pass looks like a big lie but really its great because you don’t want to be there no more. The grief is great because its yours, the grief is about your pass that died so the deeper the grief the better the recovery. You are strong because u love being you , and every day you feel more of you and this ED-ection is unstoppable . i love u the most in the world ,im the most proud father on earth. Your writing is going to win noble prize that’s how good it is. shiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa u are #1

  5. “I never imagined that getting healthy and getting strong would result in such sadness and pain.” This resonated so strongly with me hun because I’m going through the same thing, and I never imagined that achieving happiness and balance required me to seriously reexamine the toxic and destructive elements of my life, including a romantic relationship, some friendships, my job, etc. It’s crazy, but it has to be worth it. ❤

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