Today is a very sad yet crucial and life changing day for me.
Today I said goodbye to my best friend, love and boyfriend of three years.
I said goodbye to a family, whose become my family.
Even though I am writing from a place of heart break and deep sadness right now, I am also writing from a place of immense inner strength.
I have already been told to not write anymore “lies” on my blog, but that statement doesn’t bother me at all. This blog is not about other people’s truths and lies, it’s about my truth. And I will continue to stay true to myself .
By choosing to say goodbye to my relationship and my boyfriend, I have chosen to move forward with my recovery.
I remember the moment yesterday when I realized that I had two choices: either to be in this unhealthy relationship that is comfortable for me , or I can have recovery . If i stayed in this relationship, I knew I would deal with the pain and hurt it brought me by going back to my eating disorder.
Today I chose recovery.
Today I chose to let go of the life that I had planned in order to be able to embrace the beautiful and free life that is waiting for me.
Where at one time I could never have had the strength to leave my relationship and believe I deserved better, because he was all I had- I feel that I have the support I need now to do that for myself.
I feel like a part of me has died, and really, it has. My life for the past 3 years has died . And with that comes the slow death of Ed (my eating disorder).
Like I said yesterday, now that I’m not seeing life from Ed’s eyes, only seeing numbers on a scale and calorie counts, I am able to see things much more clearly . I can now see my future being filled with love , respect and kindness: staring with being kind to myself.
So as I am sitting writing this post in front of the house that I have shared with my ex boyfriend and his family, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of grief.
I never imagined that getting healthy and getting strong would result in such sadness and pain.
But I am strong and I will push forward for the life of freedom, respect and kindness that I deserve -both with my relationship with Ed and with others.
As I am getting ready to drive away from the house that I know will never be home again , I say goodbye to a beautiful three years yet I also say goodbye to yelling , goodbye to disrespect and goodbye to the painful feelings that often times led me to my eating disorder.
Hello to the strength inside of me that I never knew I had, and “hello life.”