Good morning everyone,
Lately, I have felt that my recovery has been moving extremely fast. When I said I would not weigh myself anymore, I knew it meant that it was time to truly embrace myself for the rocky path of recovery, but I didn’t exactly know the time frame that would be.
Well, that time is now.
I have often times told E (my therapist) that my recovery process is similar to me sitting in a car. Let me illustrate for you what I mean.
When I first started seeking treatment for my eating disorder, I told E that I feel like I am sitting in a car. When I first started working with her, I simply was just sitting in the passenger seat and Ed (my eating disorder) was the driver.
In time, I became the driver and Ed became the passenger. For a while, during the beginning of treatment and when I was still weighing myself, I was pretty much just sitting in the front seat with my seat belt on. I wasn’t pushing on the pedals or even starting my engine, I was just sitting in the car, getting acquainted with the idea of getting help.
I knew that when I made the choice to not weigh myself, that it not only meant that I was starting my engine, but that I was starting to push the gas pedal in my car as well. I vividly remember telling E that I know myself and I know my black and white personality- and that when I push that gas pedal, I am going to go 100 miles per hour. And I was completely 100% right.
Recovery picking up at such an intense speed may be a blessing in the eyes of others, but for me, it is overwhelming and terrifying. Yesterday, I even had the thought of pulling the emergency break in my car. But I knew that if I did, it would only result in me feeling defeated. I would have felt like a failure. I would have let Ed take over my life yet again. I would have felt like I am giving up, and that would literally take away all of the self confidence and inner strength that I have worked so hard to build.
So instead of pulling that emergency break yesterday, I did the opposite: I embraced the speed of how fast I am going. I ate more than I have in months, and for the first time in what feels like years, I enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed my food. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even snacks. I even enjoyed the sensation of feeling full. I was able to go to sleep last night so peacefully and without my tummy growling, and it was an incredible feeling.
When I was still fully immersed in my eating disorder, I would rate the quality of my days by how little I ate. But yesterday, I actually was proud of myself for eating, something that even two days ago, seemed nearly impossible.
The happiness that I once got from seeing an unhealthy number on the scale, at least for now, has been replaced with feeling proud of myself.
I can see now that although my recovery feels like its going 100 miles per hour, I know that eventually I will be able to hit the cruise control button and everything will fall into place, both physically with my body and mentally with Ed.
I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last, but I know that I will savor every single minute of it.
And today, as I’m flying 100 miles per hour down this rocky road to recovery, I am going to stick my head out the window and shout, “hello life”