Day 17: Going 100 Miles Per Hour

Good morning everyone,

Lately, I have felt that my recovery has been moving extremely fast.  When I said I would not weigh myself anymore, I knew it meant that it was time to truly embrace myself for the rocky path of recovery, but I didn’t exactly know the time frame that would be.

Well, that time is now.

I have often times told E (my therapist) that my recovery process is similar to me sitting in a car.  Let me illustrate for you what I mean.

When I first started seeking treatment for my eating disorder, I told E that I feel like I am sitting in a car.  When I first started working with her, I simply was just sitting in the passenger seat and Ed (my eating disorder) was the driver.

In time, I became the driver and Ed became the passenger.  For a while, during the beginning of treatment and when I was still weighing myself,  I was pretty much just sitting in the front seat with my seat belt on.  I wasn’t pushing on the pedals or even starting my engine, I was just sitting in the car, getting acquainted with the idea of getting help.

I knew that when I made the choice to not weigh myself, that it not only meant that I was starting my engine, but that I was starting to push the gas pedal in my car as well.  I vividly remember telling E that I know myself and I know my black and white personality- and that when I push that gas pedal, I am going to go 100 miles per hour.  And I was completely 100% right.

Recovery picking up at such an intense speed may be a blessing in the eyes of others, but for me, it is overwhelming and terrifying.  Yesterday, I even had the thought of pulling the emergency break in my car. But I knew that if I did, it would only result in me  feeling defeated. I would have felt like a failure.  I would have let Ed take over my life yet again.  I would have felt like I am giving up, and that would literally take away all of the self confidence and inner strength that I have worked so hard to build.

So instead of pulling that emergency break yesterday, I did the opposite: I embraced the speed of how fast I am going. I ate more than I have in months, and for the first time in what feels like years, I enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed my food. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even snacks. I even enjoyed the sensation of feeling full. I was able to go to sleep last night so peacefully and without my tummy growling, and it was an incredible feeling.

When I was still fully immersed in my eating disorder, I would rate the quality of my days by how little I ate.  But yesterday, I actually was proud of myself for eating, something that even two days ago, seemed nearly impossible.

The happiness that I once got from seeing an unhealthy number on the scale, at least for now, has been replaced with feeling proud of myself.

I can see now that although my recovery feels like its going 100 miles per hour, I know that eventually I will be able to hit the cruise control button and everything will fall into place, both physically with my body and mentally with Ed.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last, but I know that I will savor every single minute of it.

And today, as I’m flying 100 miles per hour down this rocky road to recovery, I am going to stick my head out the window and shout, “hello life”

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13 thoughts on “Day 17: Going 100 Miles Per Hour

  1. You go girl!
    And from one who dives into life and doesn’t worry about how rough the waves are either… If you get overwhelmed- grab a life vest and float for a bit until you catch your breadth – or for you, pull that emergency break if you need to and regroup and then hit the gas again when you are ready! YOU are in the drivers seat and you can stop and go as needed. There is no right or wrong what works for you. I’m so happy you are enjoying some yummy food!
    Keep on keeping on!

  2. Yay for you Shira! You sound like you might be going 100 miles an hour but you are the one driving the car now, not Ed! And that alone is such a wonderful feeling! Like your mom said, you can always grab a life vest a float when you need to! That’s the beauty of being awake and alert and engaged with yourself! So happy for you that you had your first day of truly enjoying your food again. Great job at staying in the rink and driving the car!! So proud of you! I love you!!

  3. Made me tear of happiness first thing in the morning!!! Have the rest of the day as motivated and happy as its start!!! Love u n proud of u!!!

  4. Lovely post! I too felt overwhelmed at first, but then found if I let myself go with the momentum of the recovery train then it gets easier and easier!

    Don’t let go of the positivity, and if it does slip a little bit make sure you read back over this post x

  5. Shira, I hoped when I read your blog today that you had found some happiness to offset the rough days. And there it was;
    a totally beautiful bright young woman who had made Ed obscure and was enjoying herself. It made me feel good to experience your joy. Wishing you many more days of success and happiness in your quest.

  6. Shira, I am so happy to hear that you had a good day. days like these are what make all the struggle wothwhile.Proof that you can and will get back to enjoying your food and feeling good about eating. You are moving fast and congratulations on not pulling the hand breaks. That would lead to a loss of control and you have worked too hard and built up too much positive energy to do that now. When things feel right study the patterns which have lead you to those feelings. There will be more obstacles but for now you have won battle and are one step closer to winning the war.

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