I had a major victory yesterday when it came to Ed and I.
If you remember, I wrote a blog post last week about how my Thursday nights, especially my Thursday night dinners with my grandma, were completely dominated by Ed (my eating disorder).
Well, last night I finally broke that restrictive and Ed controlled routine of going to that same restaurant with my grandma and getting that same plain salad with nothing on it.
My cousin, my grandma and I actually went out to a fish house for dinner–it was even a restaurant that I had picked. We ate bread together and we ate a real meal together. I was even able to share with them how incredible the taste of bread and butter was.
Right before we left the house to go out to dinner, my grandma turned to me and asked me where we were going to go eat.I can’t even explain in writing, the immense amount of pride that I took in saying the name of a new restaurant–and a restaurant that not only I liked, but that my grandma and my cousin liked too.
Eating at a new restaurant may sound silly to some people, but for me, it was symbolic of telling Ed that he will no longer get in the way of my relationships with those who I love and care about in my life.
Today is also the third Friday in a row that I have not weighed myself, and I feel like I am floating on a cloud. The irony in this is that although this past week I have eaten more than I have in years, I feel so light.
I feel like I could just pick my feet up off this earth and fly around and around in circles of gratitude and happiness.
There is no number today to tell me that I was wrong for enjoying myself with my family last night. There is no number today to tell me if I will have a good or bad weekend. There is no number today to determine my value as a human being.
Instead of a number, there is me. There is me waking up feeling grateful for my life, feeling grateful for my support system, and feeling grateful to my own inner strength for getting me through another day of recovery.
Yesterday, I took back my Thursday nights from Ed and made them my own again.
I was so happy last night, that when I got home from dinner, I sat on my bed and I cried. I was crying tears of happiness and smiling all at the same time. Actually, as I am finishing to write this post, I can already feel my tears of joy coming back.
And as I sit here this morning and reflect on the beautiful Ed-free night I had last night, I can genuinely say to you all, and to myself, “hello life.”