Day 28: Eyes Wide Open

Hello everyone,

Last night, I decided to take a much needed break from my boyfriend of three years, one of the most terrifying and heart breaking decisions I have ever had to make.

When I began recovery, I remember telling E that I was scared for what recovery would mean for my relationships. I didn’t exactly know why it scared me, but I knew that it was the one part of recovery that  I was fearful of.

When I was locked into my eating disorder, all I cared about was how much I weighed and how much food I could restrict.  For the past year and a half, being so immersed in Ed let me close my eyes to the things I did not want to really look at.

When I was in my eating disorder, I didn’t care that my boyfriend would come home late at night after drinking, I didn’t care if he disrespected me or put me down–all I cared about was my beautiful and glorious number on the scale. Whenever he did make me feel bad, all I had to do was go back to the arms of Ed and he would comfort me.

Last night, after a long and draining argument, I sat in my bed and I knew I had only two options.  I could either do what I have done many times in the past 2 years, which is I could stay in our house, go back to restricting and let Ed be my solution and then pretend to get past this fight, or I could get up, stand up for myself and for once, face my problem, instead of letting Ed make it all better.

When I chose to actually be honest with myself, and with my boyfriend, I knew I had just made a huge statement to Ed.  This time, he will not be my answer.  This time, not eating will not be enough to be a solution. This time, I could not go on another night being fake with my own emotions. Where at one time, I was able to cover up my true feelings of hurt and disrespect by restricting, and then tricking myself into believing that everything in my relationship was fine, I cannot do that anymore.

I am sure that my boyfriend will not be happy that I am writing about us so publicly on my blog, but from the first day, this blog has been nothing but honest, and I cannot stop now. To be truthful, I have never been so honest in my entire life than I was last night.

Now that I am not fully in my eating disorder, my eyes are open. They are wide open and they see things that unfortunately I do not want to see–but for the first time, I am able to see things from my eyes, not from Ed’s eyes.

And while my boyfriend has tried his very best to be supportive of my recovery, I see now that just because he is trying to be supportive, does not mean he can be mean to me or condescending to me in other areas of our relationship.

Before I left the house last night, my boyfriend told me that “I am losing him because of my mouth,” meaning I am losing him because of the honest words I was saying.

This statement stood out to me and I thought about it all night.  The same mouth that once restricted food and let that restriction be a solution to the feelings he made me feel-the same mouth that shut up for so long–is now the same mouth that has begun to eat again and be healthy again-the same mouth that finally decided to open up and speak up for myself.  If speaking up for myself, and honoring my true feelings, instead of honoring Ed’s “true feelings and solutions,” means losing the love of my life, then I will have to find  a way to accept that.

To my boyfriend who is reading this blog today-I am sorry if you feel exposed that I am writing about this here for the world to see, but this is the truth of what I am going through.  This is part of my recovery.  Being able to see your actions clearly (friends, drinking, yelling, disrespect) and being able to see that no amount of weight loss will ever change that–that has all come from my recovery.  I am not sure what this break will mean for us, how long it will be, or what it will result in, but I do know that whatever it brings, it will bring truth, and we are both worthy of the truth.

Through the heart break and sadness that I am feeling right now, I can find truth in saying hello to my eyes being as open as they have ever been, hello to being true to myself, and “hello life.”

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10 thoughts on “Day 28: Eyes Wide Open

  1. I’m sorry you’re heartbroken love but you just keep in keeping on in your recovery and all will fall in place. Recovery means freedom. Freedom from the things that keep you down and freedom to stand up for yourself as you mentioned. And freedom to be happy whatever that happiness is for you. You are one strong young woman!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. It’s interesting how the process of recovery makes you see the entire world, rather than just food or your body, in a different light. I had to end a nearly three-year relationship when I started to seriously work on my recovery, and it was painful, but I realized I had to start putting my own needs first. I probably had a more intimate relationship with my eating disorder than with him, and that was a tough pill to swallow. Either way, it wasn’t fair for either of us. I needed to learn how to take care of myself and provide the love and validation I let him give me.

    You are growing and changing. Don’t fight that. This is all a learning experience. This will be a test for your relationship and you should feel so proud of yourself for asking what you really want out of this life.

    Sending love<3

  3. Shira, I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now, but in the end it is most important for you to be able to be open and honest. And most importantly, in any relationship, to be able to speak your mind and express your feelings. Any relationship is reciprocal and you should never feel shut down. I’m glad you found the strength , as painful as it was to put yourself first. Kudos to you! Things will work put the way they’re supposed to in the end. I love you!

  4. I am sorry that you are taking a break. But maybe that is what you both need. When in the throes of my own Ed I suffered with people abusing my friendship in many ways. I had to stop it. I cut them all off. I kept only the people around me who really loved me. The others I had to let go, it too was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made. But I had to make it for me and for my recovery. You can move forward. Learn to be free and learn to be yourself. I am sad but happy for you. One step, I don’t think you will regret. Although ED might try and convince you it was. Stick to your first thoughts. Make yourself happy for once.

    • That’s amazing that you were able to be strong enough to cut those negative people out of your life. I am slowly starting to do the same and it is important for recovery, just how you said it. Thank you for this inspiring comment and your support!

  5. Shira I love you and im here for you every step of the way. Im so proud thy you stood up for yourself instead of resort back to your old unhealthy ways. You owe it to yourself to e honest and to be truthful. As you said, sometimes the truth hurts but your mind is strong and everyday you are becoming stronger. I’m sorry for the heartbreak you’re going through and all the pain you feel, but on the other hand Im so happy that you are doing what’s best for you rather then escaping the problem. You are amazing and sooo strong for the decision you made last night. Whatever happens I just want you to e happy and I know you will because I know you know that’s what you deserve. You are beautiful! I’m here for you always and forever :)))

  6. Shira,

    It makes me kind of sad to read your post today because heartbreak is so hard on its own, and yet you’re fighting a battle with Ed at the same time and I can only imagine how hard things seem right now. But reading your post today also made me so happy and proud of you at the same time. It’s amazing how your recovery is not only about Ed but your overall happiness, knowing your self-worth, and what you deserve in life. Everything always has a way of working out, wether it seems like it’s for the best at the time or not, trust me it always is. Maybe a break will change things for the better and maybe it won’t.. But that’s something that no matter what the outcome is, you CAN live with it and you WILL be happy again sooner or later. But it’s all about what is best for you. You win some, you lose some. But in this battle you’re winning. You’re winning every single part of it! Keep up the good work, and I may not be commenting on all your posts but I am reading them all and I support you all the way! Xo

    • aw jina thank you so much for this beautiful comment! You are right, and everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I am not sure why these things happen or why to me, but I know it will be for a good thing in the end. Thank you for your support, love and beautiful words it means so much to me.

  7. Heyy babe it was so nice seeing you and catching up. you’re doing amazing keep up the good work! stay strong. we all love you and here for you. I’m so happy to have such an amazing strong person in my life!

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