Day 31: Celebrating One Month In

Good morning everyone,

Today I am celebrating one entire month that I have not weighed myself and have not looked at any number on a scale.

Essentially, this day marks one month of me being in recovery.  I have always felt that the day I gave up my scale, is the day my recovery began.

Looking back on the past month, I am blown away and yet shocked at all the huge changes that I have made to my life.  While many of these changes have been painful and have tested every ounce of strength in me physically and emotionally, they are also the changes that will lead me to live a life free from this eating disorder.  They are the changes that will bring me true sense of self, true freedom and true happiness.

When I started this blog one month ago, I was the most scared I had ever been in my entire life.  Not only was I beginning to realize how hard the process of recovery would be, but I took my biggest kept secret (my eating disorder) and I publicized it on this blog for the world to read.

Exposing myself, my secret, and my struggles on a public blog was definitely terrifying and it felt uncomfortable at first-and sometimes it still does, but at the same time, it has become the biggest blessing for me.

This blog has brought me support, love and encouragement from family, friends and strangers alike.It is with this new support system that I have found myself to be able to be strong even during my weakest moments.

The fact that I promised myself and everyone reading this blog that I will go one whole year without a scale, does help with keeping me accountable. Every time I feel like I need that number on  a scale to validate myself, I remember the immense amount of support I get from the people reading my blog, and before I know it, the urge to weigh myself has passed.

One month ago, I never would have imagined myself to have made the decisions that I’ve made. I never would have thought that I would take my eating disorder blinders off so soon and that I would be forced to open my eyes so damn wide.

But, that did happen. I did take off my blinders and I did open my eyes, and while doing so, I became a fighter.  I have begun to fight my eating disorder, and I  have begun to fight with my own perception of what I see in the mirror versus what I really look like in reality.

But most importantly, I have begun to fight for my future-a future that I know, that whatever I lost from this eating disorder or from my recent heart ache, God will restore me double-and when he does, I will not only be a fighter, I will be the world champion of the title that my eating disorder tried so hard to keep: the title of my life.

When I gave E (my therapist) my scale one month ago, she asked me if there was anything I would like to say to it, and the very first thing that came to my mind were the words “hello life,”–and from that, this blog was created.

Thank you to everyone who is coming on this journey with me and reading my blog day in and day out. Thank you for letting me take you into my mind and spirit as I fight this battle against my eating disorder, and thank you for being my strength and support on a daily and even hourly basis.

Hello to another 11 months of me documenting my adventure and journey of one year without a scale and hello to the beautiful things that it will bring me.

I am so proud to wake up today, on this one month milestone of my recovery, and say to you all and especially to myself, “hello life.”

To continue following the Hello Life Journey of one year without a scale, you may purchase the book here:

Hello Life, E-Book, Volume 1 (The First Six Months): Volume 1 E-Book

Hello Life, E-Book, Volume 2 (The Last Six Months):Volume 2 E-Book

Hello Life, Paperback, Volume 1 (The First Six Months): Volume 1 Paperback

Hello Life, Paperback, Volume 2 (The Last Six Months): Volume 2 Paperback

Day 30: One Foot In Front Of The Other

Hi everyone,

I would like to start this post by saying thank you to all of you who have supported me and encouraged me though out my journey so far. Thank you for reaching out and giving me your beautiful words of strength and wisdom.

I don’t think today’s post will be very long because I am feeling practically every emotion that is physically possible to feel. From sadness to hurt to fear, I am feeling it all.

The hardest part and also scariest part about feeling these emotions is how I am going to deal with them. I only know how to deal with emotions in one way and that way is through my eating disorder .

For me to actually have to sit and face these emotions right in the face and actually feel them-feel how they affect my heart, body and spirit, is something that I am not sure I am ready to handle.

I know that one day soon I will be in a place of recovery where I can do that, but it is not today. On that note, I know that this is also an extremely important and vulnerable part of recovery . If I deal with these feelings of pain by reverting to my eating disorder , then I will never recover.

I made the painful decision this week to leave the life I had known for three years for the sake of my happiness and my recovery and I will not let Ed take that away from me.

He has already told me multiple times in the past few days that skipping a meal here or there will calm my sadness and ease my grief , and sometimes I even listened to him- but here I am, even after skipping breakfast this morning, and I still feel the same pain and hurt I felt when I woke up.

I am forcing myself to write about this and remind myself that eating again and getting my body strong is what gave me the strength to make the decision that I made this week. It is feeding my body that also allowed me to become connected to my family again and embrace their support instead of turn it away like I have in the past .

For today, all I can do is put one foot on front of the other. After the huge leap I took this week, simply putting one foot in front of the other seems like an o.k goal for the moment . And if i keep on this path to recovery and stick to the meal plan and continue to be true to myself, I know that when the time comes for me to take another leap, I will be ready .

No matter how drained, exhausted or hurt I may feel, I am doing this. I am doing recovery .

I am taking leaps and I am putting one foot in front of the other as I am walking down this road of recovery.

One foot at a time, one meal at a time and one leap at a time, I am becoming the strongest person I’ve ever met, and to that I can sincerely say, “hello life.”

Day 29: Saying Goodbye

Hello everyone,

Today is a very sad yet crucial and life changing day for me.

Today I said goodbye to my best friend, love and boyfriend of three years.

I said goodbye to a family, whose become my family.

Even though I am writing from a place of heart break and deep sadness right now, I am also writing from a place of immense inner strength.

I have already been told to not write anymore “lies” on my blog, but that statement doesn’t bother me at all. This blog is not about other people’s truths and lies, it’s about my truth. And I will continue to stay true to myself .

By choosing to say goodbye to my relationship and my boyfriend, I have chosen to move forward with my recovery.

I remember the moment yesterday when I realized that I had two choices: either to be in this unhealthy relationship that is comfortable for me , or I can have recovery . If i stayed in this relationship, I knew I would deal with the pain and hurt it brought me by going back to my eating disorder.

Today I chose recovery.

Today I chose to let go of the life that I had planned in order to be able to embrace the beautiful and free life that is waiting for me.

Where at one time I could never have had the strength to leave my relationship and believe I deserved better, because he was all I had- I feel that I have the support I need now to do that for myself.

I feel like a part of me has died, and really, it has. My life for the past 3 years has died . And with that comes the slow death of Ed (my eating disorder).

Like I said yesterday, now that I’m not seeing life from Ed’s eyes, only seeing numbers on a scale and calorie counts, I am able to see things much more clearly . I can now see my future being filled with love , respect and kindness: staring with being kind to myself.

So as I am sitting writing this post in front of the house that I have shared with my ex boyfriend and his family, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of grief.

I never imagined that getting healthy and getting strong would result in such sadness and pain.

But I am strong and I will push forward for the life of freedom, respect and kindness that I deserve -both with my relationship with Ed and with others.

As I am getting ready to drive away from the house that I know will never be home again , I say goodbye to a beautiful three years yet I also say goodbye to yelling , goodbye to disrespect and goodbye to the painful feelings that often times led me to my eating disorder.

Hello to the strength inside of me that I never knew I had, and “hello life.”

Day 27: Changing My Mentality

Hi everyone,

When I was fully under Ed’s wrath, I had a very specific way of thinking when it came to the way I would eat.  Monday through Thursday, I would restrict, and then on Friday I would let myself eat because I would see my family for dinner.  On Saturday I would restrict again, (to make up for Friday), and then on Sunday I would restrict all day and then pretty much eat anything and everything I wanted for dinner.

Sunday nights were the night my boyfriend and I used to go eat dinner at his parents house, and his mom would make incredible food and always had delicious desserts.  I looked forward to this dinner all week–I even started calling Sunday’s my “fat Sunday’s.”  After every single fat Sunday, I would wake up sore.

Now, even though I am not restricting my calories during the week, I still have that same mentality about the weekends–that when the weekend comes, I can just eat what I want because I know during the week I will starve it all away.  Even though that is not the case anymore, my mind still thinks this way and it is hindering me from making the progress that I would like to make.

For example, yesterday, I pretty much did not even think about the meal plan and just ate whatever I wanted all day long.  At first  I enjoyed it-I enjoyed challenging Ed. And then, I got mad at myself.  And then I got mad that I am mad at myself for enjoying what I love to eat–I got pulled back into that cycle of anger.

This morning, whether it was because I ate too much or if it is because of something that I ate, I woke up with my body feeling sore again.  Whenever my body feels sore, it feels like a  punishment.  I feel like it is my body’s way of punishing me for eating too much.  The fact that I am sore on a Sunday is different for me, since I am used to only being sore on Monday mornings, after my “fat Sundays.”

I feel so weird and even ashamed writing how me, someone who is in recovery for anorexia, a disease where you don’t eat, has my biggest downfalls not when it comes to restricting, but when it comes to actually eating too much.  My downfalls in recovery have been when I eat sweets.  It is not a downfall necessarily because I eat too much of them, it is my downfall because I can’t just let myself enjoy them.  Even when I was at my lowest weight, I still found a way to incorporate sweets into my diet-but then, they were the only thing I ate all day, or I would take laxatives afterwards, so it wasn’t a big deal.

To have to be able to find a way to enjoy my sweets now, without purging, or without restricting afterwards is very hard for me and it is a balance that I am trying to find.

I so badly want to get out of that mentality of starving and then eating whatever I want and thinking I can fix it later, because I can’t now.  I’m not expecting my weekends to be just like my week days, because I do want to go out on the weekends and enjoy myself, I just don’t know the balance yet of how to do that without getting pulled back into the cycle of anger.

Could I go now and look up the calories in every single thing that I ate yesterday?  Yes.  Could I go and body check and try on every small sized pair of jeans in my closet? Yes.  But I will not do that because truthfully, what is the point?  So I get mad at myself all over again and then continue to not treat my body kindly today, either by binging or by restricting? While Ed is telling me that is  a great way to spend my day, the healthy part of me is smarter and more caring about myself than that.

So today is Sunday, and I am going to be kind to myself and I am going to honor myself.  I am not going to have a fat Sunday, and I am not going to beat myself up for not sticking to the meal plan, which in reality, the nutritionist would probably be happy that I ate more than what was on the meal plan anyways.  And even if she would not be happy, I still would not beat myself up over it.

It’s a new day, and while I know that changing my eating disordered mentality will take time, I feel that by viewing today as a normal day back on the meal plan and not as fat Sunday, I am taking a step in the right direction. I will get past this soreness, I will get past this bloated feeling, and I will one day find balance when it comes to food.  And if that takes one month, or even one year, so be it.

Hello to being kind to myself, hello to no more fat Sunday’s, and “hello life.”

Day 26: The Bigger Picture

Good morning everyone,

As I laid in my bed this morning and reflected on this past weeks journey, I challenged myself to look beyond the hard days and beyond the painful moments–and I asked myself to go through each day and pull out a positive moment from each one.

As I was literally going through each day of this week and finding one good thing about each one, I realized that these beautiful moments-these positive moments of each day–this is what recovery is.  I was able to really take  a step back and see the bigger picture of what recovery will bring me, and it is beautiful.

For right now, recovery might mean following my meal plan and not weighing myself for one year, but that does not mean that it will always look like that.

On Monday, I walked into my nutritionists office and got my meal plan, despite the fact that I didn’t want to–that confidence and that courage–that is the bigger picture of recovery.

On Tuesday, I went on an hour long hike with my cousin without feeling like I needed to faint, and we connected and bonded together, and it had nothing to do with food–that is the bigger picture of recovery.

On Wednesday, I was able to share Valentine’s Day chocolates with a student who I tutor–that is the bigger picture of recovery.

On Thursday, I was able to go  out to dinner with my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day–that is the bigger picture of recovery.

On Friday, I was able to go eat Shabbat dinner with my family–that is the bigger picture of recovery.

This bigger picture of recovery is beautiful and it is truly inspiring me to keep fighting this journey that I am fighting.

To me, the bigger picture of recovery will one day mean more than eating properly or being at a certain weight–its going to mean connecting with others, loving myself, laughing with my family and friends–it will mean freedom.

Last night, all of my brothers and sisters wore their yellow bands on their wrist that say “hello life” on them in support of me,and it was one of the most beautiful display of support I have ever seen.

To sum everything up about what I mean when I say I can see the bigger picture of recovery today, I will tell you all a moment last night that defines exactly what I am talking about.

Last night, my dad, who at one point in our lives did not speak for 7 years, hugged me and told me he was proud of me. That moment–that is what I am talking about when I say I can see the bigger picture–the bigger picture is not just food, its love, its hugging, its relationships growing.

This picture of my brothers and sisters wearing their wrist bands for me, is what I am going to look at this morning when I get up, smile and proudly say to myself, “hello life.”

photo(1)

Day 25: Beat Up By Ed

Hi everyone,

This morning I sit here writing to you feeling completely beat up by Ed.

After having a beautiful Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend last night, we stopped to get frozen yogurt.  Getting frozen yogurt was already something Ed was not happy about, but I was able to enjoy myself because it was allowed on the meal plan.  But after we got home, not only did I have a piece of poppy seed pastry, and four hard candies, I had three Sees Candy chocolates.  Three entire chocolates.  Let me repeat that so you all can understand how horrible I feel: THREE ENTIRE FAT FILLED CHOCOLATES.

All of this happened in the span of about five minutes.  Normally, if this would have been a binge, I would have eaten the chocolates standing up and try to not feel what I am doing. But last night, I was mindful. I sat down and ate each chocolate piece by piece and the pastry bite by bite.  I did not binge, and I did lose control.  However, this did not step Ed from beating me up over it and for making me feel like I did binge.  All last night I listened to Ed telling me that I have ruined my body, that I have instantly gained a ton of weight and that I am a failure for letting myself fall off track.

And all of last night, I just listened to him. Even up until right now, I feel he is right. I do not physically or emotionally have the energy to stand up to Ed this second.  And I said I would be honest on this blog, so even though I am ashamed to say this, I do think he is right. I am even mad at myself for eating lunch yesterday, because I feel if I skipped it, it would have cancelled out the calories from the sweets.

The sad part is that those chocolates tasted amazing.  They were so delicious.  And I could not even enjoy them.  The fact that Ed is keeping me from enjoying something that I love; something as small as chocolate, just makes me sad.  It is the small things in life, like a piece of chocolate or a beautiful flower, that make up moments of happiness, and I feel that Ed is taking those away from me right now.

I have been going around in circles all night and all morning just wishing that I did not have to follow this meal plan today and that I can just not eat so I can fix all that I ate last night. I will not do that because I am bigger than Ed, I am stronger than Ed and I know these feelings will pass.

But right now, I feel smaller than Ed and I feel mad at myself that I disobeyed him.  Maybe tomorrow I will be proud of myself for challenging Ed last night and eating what I wanted, but for this second, that is not my reality.

All I can do in this moment, is close my eyes and ask God to give me the inner strength to be kind to myself today and the wisdom to know that I will bounce back from this beating from Ed and that all of this fighting is worth it.

No matter what, I will not start my day without reminding myself of the reason I am in this fight in the first place, and that reason is: “hello life.”

Day 20: Feeling Uncomfortable In My Own Skin

Hello everyone,

All of yesterday and especially right now,  I am feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am feeling bloated, huge and just all around pretty much disgusted with how I look.  I am aware that it is Ed telling me to feel this way, but at this moment that does not really matter because the truth of the matter is that no matter how hard I try to tell him to be quiet, it is just not working right now.

Whether I know these feelings will pass does not matter to me right now-knowing they may not be realistic does not matter to me either-what does matter to me right now is that I am feeling this way-and these feelings are completely real, true and very present to me in this moment.

For many years, I have always had a way to deal with any negative emotions I was feeling; if I was angry, sad, mad or hurt, I was just restrict my food and I would instantly feel better.  Sometimes I would binge, feel horrible, and then starve myself later to make up for it, and then everything was fine.  The bottom line is that before recovery, I always used food as a way to deal with my feelings.

That way of dealing with feelings is not acceptable anymore.  I will not let myself restrict my food today, because I know if I do, I will never come back from it. I am not going to let myself binge today because I will not let myself do some kind of unhealthy thing to fix it later.  I can’t even step on my scale to validate my feelings of gaining so much weight and weighing too much.  I just feel stuck.

How am I supposed to get through today and deal with these negative feelings of mine without using food as my coping mechanism?  How am I supposed to go to a party later tonight that my boyfriend and I are invited to and put on a fitted cocktail dress and not cry in the mirror when I do? (Because I am almost 100% sure that is going to happen.)

My answer is that I simply do not know, and that is very scary.  I know I will have to eat today, I know I will have to go to this party,and  I know I have to do homework and laundry.  I wish that I could just sit in bed all day with Ed next to me and obsess over and over again about how fat I am, because at this moment, that feels safe.  But I can’t do that.

My mom used to always tell me when something bad happens, that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

I can’t necessarily say that I am dusting myself off and moving on because it would be a complete lie. But I am going to have to pick up myself up and face the day.

I am hopeful that my feelings will be able to change throughout today and that these negative emotions I am feeling right now will pass,and if they do, that is great, and if they don’t, I will still be committed to my recovery and I will be good to myself and to my body no matter what, because I have come too far to turn back now.

Even if I am uncomfortable in my skin and feel huge all day, I will continue on my path to recovery.

I will not let Ed convince me to give up on myself, and to that I can say, “hello life.”

Day 18: A Victorious Thursday

Hello everybody,

I had a major victory yesterday when it came to Ed and I.

If you remember, I wrote a blog post last week about how my Thursday nights, especially my Thursday night dinners with my grandma, were completely dominated by Ed (my eating disorder).

Well, last night I finally broke that restrictive and Ed controlled routine of going to that same restaurant with my grandma and getting that same plain salad with nothing on it.

My cousin, my grandma and I actually went out to a fish house for dinner–it was even a restaurant that I had picked.  We ate bread together and we ate a real meal together.  I was even able to share with them how incredible the taste of bread and butter was.

Right before we left the house to go out to dinner, my grandma turned to me and asked me where we were going to go eat.I can’t even explain in writing, the immense amount of pride that I took in saying the name of a new restaurant–and a restaurant that not only I liked, but that my grandma and my cousin liked too.

Eating at a new restaurant may sound silly to some people, but for me, it was symbolic of telling Ed that he will no longer get in the way of my relationships with those who I love and care about in my life.

Today is also the third Friday in a row that I have not weighed myself, and I feel like I am floating on a cloud.  The irony in this is that although this past week I have eaten more than I have in years, I feel so light.

I feel like I could just pick my feet up off this earth and fly around and around in circles of gratitude and happiness.

There is no number today to tell me that I was wrong for enjoying myself with my family last night.  There is no number today to tell me if I will have a good or bad weekend. There is no number today to determine my value as a human being.

Instead of a number, there is me. There is me waking up feeling grateful for my life, feeling grateful for my support system, and feeling grateful to my own inner strength for getting me through another day of recovery.

Yesterday, I took back my Thursday nights from Ed and made them my own again.

I was so happy last night, that when I got home from dinner, I sat on my bed and I cried.  I was crying tears of happiness and smiling all at the same time. Actually, as I am finishing to write this post, I can already feel my tears of joy coming back.

And as I sit here this morning and reflect on the beautiful Ed-free night I had last night,  I can genuinely say to you all, and to myself, “hello life.”

Day 16: The Cycle Of Anger

Good morning everyone,

This morning I am not really in a better place than I was yesterday when I wrote my second blog post.

I pretty much feel trapped in this constant cycle of anger.  This cycle has been going on for a few days now. It goes like this:

First I get angry for feeling that I am hungry.  If this might sound confusing, let me explain where I am coming from.  For the past year and a half, I never had to feel hungry.  When I was so greatly immersed in Ed, I never felt hungry because Ed never let me.  I became so detached from my body and its needs that I literally forgot what the sensation of hunger felt like.  And for those times when I did feel hungry,  a cup of tea, coffee or tiny amount of food would be substantial enough to subdue it.  Now, that tea, coffee and small amounts of food are not enough to quiet my hunger pangs and that makes me angry.

I hate the fact that I need to feel this hungry feeling because it leads me to eat–another thing that I did not do when I was fully under Ed’s power.  The minute I start eating, I get angry.  I get angry at the sheer fact that I am eating and by eating, I believe I will get bigger and bigger.  I already hate the changes my body has been making in terms of gaining weight, and eating will make it worse.

After I am completely done beating myself up, the healthy part of me gets angry at the Ed controlled part of me for even being mad at myself for something as natural and humane as eating when you are hungry.  I should be proud of myself for eating and giving myself nutrients, but instead I let Ed get the best of me.

Last night, I was so angry at Ed.  I wasn’t angry at him for making me restrict food, because I actually did the complete opposite of that yesterday and even the day before.  For the past two  weeks actually, I have not been restricting calories.  I was mad at Ed for making me feel angry at myself for being healthy-for eating.  I was mad at the hell he puts me through on a daily basis every time I try to push him away.

I cried on my boyfriend’s chest for an hour last night just yelling and screaming at Ed in my head “why are you doing this to me?”

This is the first time that my anger has ever come out in the form of crying, but for whatever reason it did.

I knew that when I made the choice to throw away my scale that it only meant one thing; true recovery.  Even when I started treatment, I still had my scale.  And as long as I had my scale, I knew I could not fully recover, actually I could not recover at all.

I even went as far to tell E (my therapist) that if I ever stepped on a scale again, that I would never come back from it.  I would let Ed take my life,  and in that moment, I decided to give her my scale.

I remember telling E about the dark days that I knew would be ahead of me, but I can honestly now say that I was not prepared.

I was not prepared for this cycle of anger, I was not prepared to walk around all the time feeling huge and hating my body, and I was not prepared for the mental work that it would really take to battle Ed and ultimately end his existence in my life.

And even through my anger, my frustration and my sheer and utter hatred for Ed and what he is putting me through, both mentally and physically, I know that this is only the beginning of recovery, and that one day I will be free.

One day, I will be free from Ed and his cycle of abuse and anger.

Today,however, I am not free from Ed. But I am alive; I am alive and I am moving forward in recovery, and to that I can say, “hello life.”

 

Day 15: Scared of Recovery

Hi everyone,

I normally would not write two blog posts in one day, but today has been a rough day for me, and since I said this blog would be nothing but the truth, I told myself I would write this post.  I don’t exactly want to write it because by writing it, it forces me to face my feelings even more, but I want to be truthful to myself.  I also am hoping that by writing out what I am going through in this moment, that it might be a sense of relief.

On Monday when I went to the nutritionist, she did not give me a meal plan (but to my disliking, she ensured me that the meal plan would definitely be given to me next Monday).

Instead, she told me to keep a food journal this week of everything that I eat.  At first, this didn’t phase me at all. I was actually relieved that I walked out of her office pretty much given a green light to keep on my own “meal plan” for myself-a meal plan that although consists of major calorie increases for me, will not be accepted by her.

I have been keeping this food journal for a few days now and as I am looking over it, I have realized that I really do not eat as many calories as I told the nutritionist I was, yet I am pushing myself every single day to consume these daily meals and it is extremely hard for me.

While I am content with my current calorie intake, I do not think she is going to accept that as adequate calories for my meal plan, and in a way I am thankful for that because I know I need the nutrients, but on the other hand, that scares me to pieces.

This made me think about what is going to happen on Monday when I go back to the nutritionist and she will give me a meal plan that might even be double the calories of what I am already eating.  I already believe that I am at a high enough weight just by what I see in the mirror and I think the few pounds I have gained from increasing my calories is enough, and at the moment, I really do not want to gain more.

I know that this meal plan she will give me will be one designed to help me eat more because while she did not say how much I weighed, she did tell me that my BMI was 18, and that she would like me to be at a healthy BMI of 20–which for a girl my height and age is 99 pounds.

On one hand, I am relieved because I see that she is not wanting to make me fat and obese, but on the other hand,  99 pounds is  a number I cannot accept right now.  I know one day I will be, and that I will have to, but right now I can’t. I can’t accept it right now because although I don’t know what I currently weigh, I know it is not 99 and whatever number I’m at now, it is enough for me to deal with at this moment.

The fact is that I won’t even know when I will reach that weight because as you all know, I am not looking at a scale until at least next January 21 (I actually hope to never look at a number again, but I am trying to avoid making extreme goals for myself, and just sticking to one goal at a time, so for now, that goal is next January 21).

So, here is where my immense fear of recovery sets in. If I already believe I am getting bigger, what will I think when I actually have to start following this meal plan next week?  What will I think when I start gaining more weight, and how am I going to handle it?

Right now, I am pretty much in a state of panic and anxiety.

This fear of what recovery is going to do to my precious “skinny” body is extremely over whelming.

I still am not sure if I should publish this post because it is so raw and truly is exposing my deepest feelings and fears right now—and that is a scary thought for me.  But I am doing this for me-I said I would document every feeling, every emotion and every good day and bad day, so that is what I am doing.

Right now I am scared. I am scared for what recovery is going to do to my body and I am scared about how I am going to mentally deal with it.

But on the positive side, I know that this feeling of fear is simply just that; a feeling.  It is a feeling that will come and go, and although it is dominating me at this current moment, it does not mean that it will do that all day.

And no matter how scared I am of recovery, nothing in this world-not fear and not even my eating disorder, can take away my immense desire to live a life of self acceptance and freedom- a life free from this prison that my eating disorder is forcing me to live in-and to that I can say, “hello life.”