Day 15: Scared of Recovery

Hi everyone,

I normally would not write two blog posts in one day, but today has been a rough day for me, and since I said this blog would be nothing but the truth, I told myself I would write this post.  I don’t exactly want to write it because by writing it, it forces me to face my feelings even more, but I want to be truthful to myself.  I also am hoping that by writing out what I am going through in this moment, that it might be a sense of relief.

On Monday when I went to the nutritionist, she did not give me a meal plan (but to my disliking, she ensured me that the meal plan would definitely be given to me next Monday).

Instead, she told me to keep a food journal this week of everything that I eat.  At first, this didn’t phase me at all. I was actually relieved that I walked out of her office pretty much given a green light to keep on my own “meal plan” for myself-a meal plan that although consists of major calorie increases for me, will not be accepted by her.

I have been keeping this food journal for a few days now and as I am looking over it, I have realized that I really do not eat as many calories as I told the nutritionist I was, yet I am pushing myself every single day to consume these daily meals and it is extremely hard for me.

While I am content with my current calorie intake, I do not think she is going to accept that as adequate calories for my meal plan, and in a way I am thankful for that because I know I need the nutrients, but on the other hand, that scares me to pieces.

This made me think about what is going to happen on Monday when I go back to the nutritionist and she will give me a meal plan that might even be double the calories of what I am already eating.  I already believe that I am at a high enough weight just by what I see in the mirror and I think the few pounds I have gained from increasing my calories is enough, and at the moment, I really do not want to gain more.

I know that this meal plan she will give me will be one designed to help me eat more because while she did not say how much I weighed, she did tell me that my BMI was 18, and that she would like me to be at a healthy BMI of 20–which for a girl my height and age is 99 pounds.

On one hand, I am relieved because I see that she is not wanting to make me fat and obese, but on the other hand,  99 pounds is  a number I cannot accept right now.  I know one day I will be, and that I will have to, but right now I can’t. I can’t accept it right now because although I don’t know what I currently weigh, I know it is not 99 and whatever number I’m at now, it is enough for me to deal with at this moment.

The fact is that I won’t even know when I will reach that weight because as you all know, I am not looking at a scale until at least next January 21 (I actually hope to never look at a number again, but I am trying to avoid making extreme goals for myself, and just sticking to one goal at a time, so for now, that goal is next January 21).

So, here is where my immense fear of recovery sets in. If I already believe I am getting bigger, what will I think when I actually have to start following this meal plan next week?  What will I think when I start gaining more weight, and how am I going to handle it?

Right now, I am pretty much in a state of panic and anxiety.

This fear of what recovery is going to do to my precious “skinny” body is extremely over whelming.

I still am not sure if I should publish this post because it is so raw and truly is exposing my deepest feelings and fears right now—and that is a scary thought for me.  But I am doing this for me-I said I would document every feeling, every emotion and every good day and bad day, so that is what I am doing.

Right now I am scared. I am scared for what recovery is going to do to my body and I am scared about how I am going to mentally deal with it.

But on the positive side, I know that this feeling of fear is simply just that; a feeling.  It is a feeling that will come and go, and although it is dominating me at this current moment, it does not mean that it will do that all day.

And no matter how scared I am of recovery, nothing in this world-not fear and not even my eating disorder, can take away my immense desire to live a life of self acceptance and freedom- a life free from this prison that my eating disorder is forcing me to live in-and to that I can say, “hello life.”


18 thoughts on “Day 15: Scared of Recovery

  1. Shira I’m so sorry to hear that you are suffering. It takes strength to change and I know you have that strength within you. Your honesty shows that strength . Keep on fighting . I know you can do it. Luv you Grandma

  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard day filled with so much anxiety. That is what Ed’s main job is…. To scare you and play on your fears and get you to become overwhelmed. Ed is the devil!! Stay strong. It’s ok to be scared. Let yourself feel your fear AND move forward inspite of them! You can do it! I remember a time you were saying,”If I can only weigh 99lbs then I’ll be happy.” Try to remember that is what Ed does to you. He warps your sense of what is a good weight for you and no matter what it is you will want to be thinner. He will never let you be happy. So you have to beat him. You have no choice and I think you are doing an EXCELLENT job!
    Keep on keeping on!

  3. Hello, I just found your blog and felt I needed to tell you something.. you are beautiful!
    I have never met you and probably never will, but I have met addiction, addictions come in all different ways, substance, co dependency, food, I could go on and on,,,, I was married to a substance abuser, and engulfed in his health.. I was so co dependent I lost myself and was isolated from everyone I knew..
    My point being, recovery is defiantly scary.. but I am now healed, healthy, and life is 180% better than before.
    You are beautiful for putting yourself out here like this, you are brave and doing an amazing thing. I believe anyone who really seeks help and makes and effort to grow, can be set free of anything!
    God Bless on your journey!

  4. Hello to my beautiful sister Shira, the second you read this I ask that you close your eyes and breathe in deeply from your nose when you do this imagine yourself inhaling all the beautiful memories you have and when exhaling heavily through your mouth imagine yourself spitting out your fear. This is what I do before my fights and it really helps me to keep a calm mind and focus on what’s in front of me. Your doing such a great job and I can only imagine the fear and anxiety you have right now, but I read a quote one time and it said ” even if the drop looks scary and like there is no way to survive the jump, take a leap of faith and the safety net will apear.” You are strong , you are beautiful and you are a winner! And to you being a winner I say hello winner I love you!

    • Dean bo, thank you for this amazing comment. I did do that as I read your post and it brought me a sense of calmness. The drop is pretty scary at the moment but I already took the leap of faith, so here I am. The support you and the rest of the people supporting me has been my safety net. Thank you for being there for me and being the best brother in the world.I love you so much.

  5. Shira, the more you write and get Ed out in the open, the less control he will have over you. You are doing such a phenomenal job by continually putting it out there! Dean is so right! Imagery is a very powerful coping tool! Every day you will continue to grow stronger, regardless of Ed’s persistence. Your attitude is amazing! You are so right that you just need to keep moving forward, no matter how hard, scary or anxious it makes you. We are all here to support you with whatever you need. You will win this fight! Remember your image of yourself in that ring with Ed and how you will win by a unanimous knockout! Go get em champ!!

  6. Shira, again your stength is amazing. This quality is something which you possess at your core, or writing this much and taking these initial, essential steps would not have happened. Dean’s quote really explained it beautifully, regardless of the fear which you face at the moment, have faith in yourself and the courageous decision that you have made, and the outcome will be prosperous. Another point I would love for you to embrace is that Ed might be a problem which you face, but we are all human and have problems as well. You are not abnormal and being scared to make lifechanging decisions would scare the bravest of us. A universal word of advice I can give you is to stay calm and know that “this too shall pass”. Keep up the good work, you’re doing great!

    • Aw roey as always your comments blow me away-thank you and you are right, what dean said is very true. I made this decision and I will make sure I succeed, even in the dark days like today. and as you said, it will pass. Thank you for your support and encouragement!

  7. You are a strong woman and you have the cabability to trust the process and trust your BODY to do what is in your best interest. That’s it. You get to stop being so hands on with your weight and your intake, follow the plan your nutritionist gives you, and focus on living. Our bodies are wonderfully designed to regulate themselves and stay healthy… trust it.

  8. Shira when we want to reach a goal as challenging as this one, looking too far ahead will give you an unrealistic picture and scare you out of progress. Don’t worry about that 99 pounds. Just take it one week, one day, one hour at time. You can do it. And as you progress it will get easier and easier. Keep it up. You are an inspiration to many and your strength will get you through it 😉

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