Day 14: Becoming A Fighter

Hi everyone,

From now on, I will be referring to my eating disorder by the name of Ed.  My eating disorder (now called Ed) is a big enough part of my life, so I figured I might as well give him his own name.

I feel that Ed and I are in a boxing ring and we are both fighting for the same title: my life.

I am fighting Ed with all my strength and with all my heart. Lately, it feels like every time I muster up the courage to throw a punch, he finds a way to duck and I end up missing my target.

Every day marks the beginning of a new fight for Ed and I.  Day in and day out, I fight every round to the end.  Some days I feel like I am winning, and some days I feel like Ed is winning.  On some days, like this morning, I even feel like tapping out.

It is mornings like this, where even though I am grateful that I am sitting here writing this blog instead of standing on a scale, where I feel trapped inside this eating disorder. I feel trapped inside the negative and obsessive “fat thoughts” and I feel trapped inside this vicious cycle.

I feel like this fight is never ending.  I know that one day, my fight with Ed will be over.  But that day is so far away from me right now, and I need to focus on what is in front of me in this exact second-and that is Ed. He is starring at me from his corner of the ring, and I am starring at him from mine.

I am drenched with sweat, I am exhausted and I am thirsty, but I have to keep on fighting. Every day that I fight Ed, I become more and more of a fighter. And even on days like today, where I feel like tapping out, I never do. No matter what, I will not tap out of this fight for my life.

Today marks two significant parts of my path to recovery: The first part is that today officially marks two weeks that I have not weighed myself, and that is a huge victory for me.  The second part is that today I am going to get my first meal plan from my nutritionist, something that I have tried to avoid for many months.

I am not going to sit here and lie and tell you all that I am happy and excited to be getting a meal plan because I am not at all.  I am scared out of my mind. I am scared that this meal plan will destroy the body that my eating disorder has worked so hard to create, and I am not so sure I am ready to give that body up yet.

But at the same time, I am not giving myself a choice.  I will go into that office today and I will get my meal plan because I know that time is not on my side when it comes to fighting for my health and fighting for my life-and if I don’t push forward today and get that meal plan, I don’t know if I ever will.

I know that Ed will try to knock me down a hundred times today,maybe even more, and I know there will be rounds that he might even win.  But I also know that at the end of this fight, I will be the ultimate winner.

I may not be able to completely knock out Ed today, but one day, I will-and when I do, it’s going to be forever.

On that note, I want to thank those of you who are in my corner in this boxing ring–those of you who are supporting me and loving me day in and day out-round after round-and step by step-it is because of you that I am able to become the fighter that I am becoming.

Thank you all for giving me the strength to know that I am not alone, and thank you for giving me the strength every single day to say, “hello life.”

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16 thoughts on “Day 14: Becoming A Fighter

  1. Continue the fight. It’s hard but worth it. You deserve loving yourself . As the saying goes “keep on trucking on”. I love you you are an unbelievable super person. Love Grandma

  2. Shira you are a champ in all you do and I have no doubt your stamina will out last Ed’s and you’ll knock him out! I love your spirit! Keep on keeping on!

  3. Good job Shira I’m proud of you !! I know you will be the winner of this fight one day because of your strength and stamina. You’re strong, powerful, and a champion. I’m here cheering for the knock out that will eventually happen one day :)))) Love you

  4. Most people don’t understand when you talk about Ed, but she/he should have a name. Nice to see the support you have around you, keep on fighting 🙂 you can beat it.

  5. Shira, I know that in time you will win in a decisive knockout over Ed! Keep up the fight! You are a true champion and warrior! I am so proud of you and your enduring strength!! You know I’m always in that rink with you!! I love you!!

  6. Shira, I haven’t met you yet but have read some of your articles and I’m so impressed by your talent. Your blog today was powerful and moving. Please count me as a supporter and I’m sending good vibes and warm wishes across the miles to you.

  7. Shira, champions are not created over night and most fights go past the beginning rounds, I am glad that you recognize this as it will give you the strength and understanding to achieve the final outcome which you desire (freedom from Ed), more than that, with this victory under your belt you will be able to overcome any obstacle that may face beyond this point, through the insight gained in this journey. It will be hard and It will be painful but you will be the victor. The mastery of overcoming the issue is knowing that it will be tough yet being right there to fight through the pain . You are a Champion. Contnue with your positive demeanor and you will win this!

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