From now on, I will be referring to my eating disorder by the name of Ed. My eating disorder (now called Ed) is a big enough part of my life, so I figured I might as well give him his own name.
I feel that Ed and I are in a boxing ring and we are both fighting for the same title: my life.
I am fighting Ed with all my strength and with all my heart. Lately, it feels like every time I muster up the courage to throw a punch, he finds a way to duck and I end up missing my target.
Every day marks the beginning of a new fight for Ed and I. Day in and day out, I fight every round to the end. Some days I feel like I am winning, and some days I feel like Ed is winning. On some days, like this morning, I even feel like tapping out.
It is mornings like this, where even though I am grateful that I am sitting here writing this blog instead of standing on a scale, where I feel trapped inside this eating disorder. I feel trapped inside the negative and obsessive “fat thoughts” and I feel trapped inside this vicious cycle.
I feel like this fight is never ending. I know that one day, my fight with Ed will be over. But that day is so far away from me right now, and I need to focus on what is in front of me in this exact second-and that is Ed. He is starring at me from his corner of the ring, and I am starring at him from mine.
I am drenched with sweat, I am exhausted and I am thirsty, but I have to keep on fighting. Every day that I fight Ed, I become more and more of a fighter. And even on days like today, where I feel like tapping out, I never do. No matter what, I will not tap out of this fight for my life.
Today marks two significant parts of my path to recovery: The first part is that today officially marks two weeks that I have not weighed myself, and that is a huge victory for me. The second part is that today I am going to get my first meal plan from my nutritionist, something that I have tried to avoid for many months.
I am not going to sit here and lie and tell you all that I am happy and excited to be getting a meal plan because I am not at all. I am scared out of my mind. I am scared that this meal plan will destroy the body that my eating disorder has worked so hard to create, and I am not so sure I am ready to give that body up yet.
But at the same time, I am not giving myself a choice. I will go into that office today and I will get my meal plan because I know that time is not on my side when it comes to fighting for my health and fighting for my life-and if I don’t push forward today and get that meal plan, I don’t know if I ever will.
I know that Ed will try to knock me down a hundred times today,maybe even more, and I know there will be rounds that he might even win. But I also know that at the end of this fight, I will be the ultimate winner.
I may not be able to completely knock out Ed today, but one day, I will-and when I do, it’s going to be forever.
On that note, I want to thank those of you who are in my corner in this boxing ring–those of you who are supporting me and loving me day in and day out-round after round-and step by step-it is because of you that I am able to become the fighter that I am becoming.
Thank you all for giving me the strength to know that I am not alone, and thank you for giving me the strength every single day to say, “hello life.”