Despite the fact that I told myself and the people who are reading my blog that I would not body check yesterday, I did it anyway and I feel like I have failed.
After I wrote my blog post yesterday, I did go to my bathroom with my clothes and had the intentions of not body checking, especially since my bathroom mirror is high enough that I can only see my face in it.
But as I was getting undressed, I had this overwhelming need to do my body check. I literally stood up on top of my bathroom sink so I could see my stomach in the mirror.
The minute I did it, I felt terrible about myself. I felt that I failed. I felt that I did not rise to the challenge that I gave to myself. This feeling of guilt and shame lasted pretty much all day.
These negative thoughts and feelings even carried over into me eating more sweets than I normally would,and of course, I felt like I totally sabotaged my body by doing that. In a twisted way, I think I did that to subconsciously punish myself for feeling like I failed.
To me, there is not a worse feeling in the world than the feeling of being mad at yourself and feeling that you’ve let yourself down.
I have a very “all or nothing” and “black and white” way of thinking. If I am doing something, I am doing it all the way. If I don’t do something, I don’t do it at all.
With black and white thinking, there is no guessing that needs to be done; if I starve, I know I will lose weight. If I binge, I know I have to find a way to get rid of it or starve the next day to make up for it. It is straight forward and factual.
I am beginning to see that recovery is not and will not be black and white.
I wish that I could throw away my scale for a year, stop body checking, stop trying on my skinny jeans and start to re-feed myself all at once and have everything just be over in 13 days. But I am now realizing that that is not a reality.
As of now, I need to accept that I am facing part 1 of this journey to recovery and that is not weighing myself or an entire year.
Recovery is going to be full of gray areas, and that is a hard fact for me to accept.
I wish I could say that I will give myself a break today from all my harsh self criticism and my immense amount of self judgement, but I know myself all too well to be able to say that to you all and actually believe it.
So yes, even though I am not weighing myself, I might go through today body checking again; I might go through today feeling bad for every bite of food I eat; and I might feel guilty for enjoying a piece of chocolate–but I am going to try to embrace the fact that going through these things are temporary. They are the gray areas of recovery that I know will one day pass.
One day, even though it might not be today or tomorrow or even a month from now-one day, I know that I will be able to not engage in my eating disorder behaviors, and that is something exciting and beautiful for me to look forward to.
But for the mean time, I am going to look forward to simply making it through another day of recovery. And to that I will say, “hello life.”
11 thoughts on “Day 13: Embracing The Gray Areas Of Recovery”
Shira, so proud of your outlook and ability to give yourself permission to have all these feelings of areas of gray in your life! It’s a tough road to walk and you’re doing an awesome job! Another positive step in your journey to recovery! I love you!
Thank u i love u and ur suppprtive words. Love u!
Life is full of Grey areas. It’s very hard for people like you and me. But knowing it is half the battle. You go girl!
Keep on keeping on!
Thank u mom im trying my best love u
recovery is possible. Hang in there (:
Beatifull reall. Al i saw was another white day with no. Scale the rest is detailed how I did that . I didnt read not even a word how u didnt do it meaning how did I go on the scale! For me on a scale from 1-10, i give u 10; because u commited to 365 days .
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other, keep up your courage you are doing great!
Thank u roey! Ur words are a source of encouragment thank you
🙂 proud of you
Shira you can’t do everything at once. It will come because you are determined but not in one day or one week. Take a step at a time. I wish I could say your beautiful and not deserving of a good life but you have to be able to give that to yourself and I have no doubt that one day you will and I do think your beautiful, smart and full of life . I know you will eventually get there.