All of yesterday and especially right now, I am feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I am feeling bloated, huge and just all around pretty much disgusted with how I look. I am aware that it is Ed telling me to feel this way, but at this moment that does not really matter because the truth of the matter is that no matter how hard I try to tell him to be quiet, it is just not working right now.
Whether I know these feelings will pass does not matter to me right now-knowing they may not be realistic does not matter to me either-what does matter to me right now is that I am feeling this way-and these feelings are completely real, true and very present to me in this moment.
For many years, I have always had a way to deal with any negative emotions I was feeling; if I was angry, sad, mad or hurt, I was just restrict my food and I would instantly feel better. Sometimes I would binge, feel horrible, and then starve myself later to make up for it, and then everything was fine. The bottom line is that before recovery, I always used food as a way to deal with my feelings.
That way of dealing with feelings is not acceptable anymore. I will not let myself restrict my food today, because I know if I do, I will never come back from it. I am not going to let myself binge today because I will not let myself do some kind of unhealthy thing to fix it later. I can’t even step on my scale to validate my feelings of gaining so much weight and weighing too much. I just feel stuck.
How am I supposed to get through today and deal with these negative feelings of mine without using food as my coping mechanism? How am I supposed to go to a party later tonight that my boyfriend and I are invited to and put on a fitted cocktail dress and not cry in the mirror when I do? (Because I am almost 100% sure that is going to happen.)
My answer is that I simply do not know, and that is very scary. I know I will have to eat today, I know I will have to go to this party,and I know I have to do homework and laundry. I wish that I could just sit in bed all day with Ed next to me and obsess over and over again about how fat I am, because at this moment, that feels safe. But I can’t do that.
My mom used to always tell me when something bad happens, that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
I can’t necessarily say that I am dusting myself off and moving on because it would be a complete lie. But I am going to have to pick up myself up and face the day.
I am hopeful that my feelings will be able to change throughout today and that these negative emotions I am feeling right now will pass,and if they do, that is great, and if they don’t, I will still be committed to my recovery and I will be good to myself and to my body no matter what, because I have come too far to turn back now.
Even if I am uncomfortable in my skin and feel huge all day, I will continue on my path to recovery.
I will not let Ed convince me to give up on myself, and to that I can say, “hello life.”
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