I just need to start this entry by saying how speechless I am by all the unconditional love and support I have received from family, friends and even strangers during the past day. To be honest, exposing my biggest secret (my eating disorder) to pretty much the entire world was scary enough as is. But when I made the choice to commit to myself, and everyone else who will follow this blog, that I will not weigh myself and be scale free for an entire year, it took things to a new level of scary. But saying that, I know that I can do this now. Because of your guys’ support and love, I know I can do this, and I will.
At first I thought I will give myself a few goals of where I want to be by next Jan 21, 2014, the official one year date of me being scale free. But as I sit here and think about it, I find it impossible to do that because that year feels so far away, I don’t even know how to make it to that point. All I do know is this: I need to make it through today. So, for that reason, I am not going to set some specific goal for myself of where I want to be a year from now after being scale free, which is a weird feeling since I am always the kind of person to set extremely high goals for myself (sometimes that are unattainable) and do anything I can do reach them. This time around, I am going to make the goal to just get through this year; to get from point A to point B and God willing have the strength to be healthy while doing it.
Also, I feel I should let you guys know that not only did I make the decision to be scale free for an entire year, but I gave my scale to E (my therapist), so it is not even in my house. Part of me feels like that is a relief and part of me, like right now, feels sad about it.
My scale was like my God-it was my number and it was what I defined myself by for that day. If it was low enough, I would be happy and proud but at the same time I would be ashamed because I knew the unhealthy things I had to do to get to that number. If it was high enough, I would be sad and angry and would punish myself by starving the rest of the day to fix it-but no matter what that number was, weather it was good or bad, it was a fact.
Today, I step into the world of the unknown, and that is scary.
I do not know what I weigh today. I do not know the “damage” that I have done in the past 8 days of not weighing myself. I have no number to tell me that I have eaten too much or that I have gone too far. The only thing I have is myself-and that is the scariest thing of all.
I have never been in a place in my life other than right now, where I have not been able to trust myself. I don’t trust what I see when I look in the mirror, I don’t trust my body when it tells me that it needs food or water, and I don’t completely yet trust myself to be healthy. But I am hoping this gets easier every day.
Right now, I can feel my skinny jeans pushing into the little tummy I now have and it does not feel good, but it is happening and I just have to go with it. It is times like these, where I truly believe (whether it is true or not, I do not know) that my jeans and shirt are fitting significantly tighter on me and I need to find a way to stop it-but I know I can’t because that would mean letting this eating disorder take my life, and I am not going to let that happen. I will win this.
So even though in this moment I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and unsure of myself, I know that I can truly look forward into my future and I can see that these hard moments are the moments that are going to make up a new life for me-a life full of freedom and a life free of this eating disorder.
I am going to finish this blog entry and take a second to realize, that yes, I feel not so great today about the way my clothes fit and I feel a little antsy and frustrated that I don’t know what I weigh, but I started my day by being Shira, not by being some number on the scale-and to that I can close my eyes and tell myself: hello life.
16 thoughts on “Day 8: Swept Away By Support”
And you are amazing Shira! Your honestly to not only others but your real self amazes me. Just the goal of doing this blog every day is huge. You have always been a planner and a doer and you just keep on keeping on! You ARE winning already!
Shira, wow!!! I am so proud of you! That you could put yourself out there for all of us to share … truly amazing! So young and so inspiring!!! I love you!
Thank u auntie linda! It means alot to me ur on this journey with me!
Shira I look forward to reading your blog. I know how determined you are and I have no doubt that you will beat this. I love you
Thank u grandma ur unconditional love and support is amazing thank u i love u
Shira you amaze me and surprise me everyday with your courage, motivation, and determination. The fact that you are able to put your stories out there for others to see is so inspiritational. Your blogs will be an official part of my daily routine. I look forward to being side by side, blog by blog, on this long journey with you. You are an inspiration and strong soul that I love soo much. Words cannot express how happy I am to see you growing each and every day. Love you so much
U have been my rock..i love u so much im speechless thank u
You guys are giving me such strength and hope, thank you for your love and support. I look forward to going on this journey with all of you by my side.
It is clear to me that with the blog u will achieve your 2 biggest desires. 1- winning and saying every morning hello life , 2- becoming the number one most fun blog in the world by letting your special style of expression make millions of funs follow u and enjoying your amazing style of writing. Thank u prevuues job for understanding that u cant hold back a starr so I do respect u by leeting my daughter go and run frw exploring so the all world will enjoy the feeling of being with u as if the story is about them. Cant wait for Tomorow to read hello life again. Im the proudest father in the world abba
Shira maksima Sheli, I have no words to express how proud I am of you, your honesty n courage to fight and win. I believe in you and your most important thing- your commitment to Yourself. Soon you will feel why we all love u so much, care for you, admire you, and inspired by you because you touch each if us in different ways. You will know it because you will find yourself n love you the way we love you n more. Then, you will never let go of you!!! I’m excited to read your blog n thank you for letting me n us be part if this courageous healthy n liberating journey- love you!!!
Love you, Tal
I.could not do this without u guys thank u i love u!
U make me proud to be your daughter thank u abs i love u
what a commitment! I gave a scale to my therapist but have recently found another one. I may make this pledge and throw it out! Any chance you’d be okay with that? I love your journey and impressed by your strength. I cannot wait to read the rest of your blog- you should check mine out when you get a chance. Stay strong!
Thank you so much. Of course I would be OK with that, I actually think that is pretty awesome and amazing of you to even be thinking of such a major commitment. I can’t wait to go read your blog too. Thank you for this comment, and I hope to be part of your journey
i am still in the contemplation stage, haha, i am totally dependent on it just being in my house even when i am not using it. your strength inspires me.