I just need to start this entry by saying how speechless I am by all the unconditional love and support I have received from family, friends and even strangers during the past day. To be honest, exposing my biggest secret (my eating disorder) to pretty much the entire world was scary enough as is. But when I made the choice to commit to myself, and everyone else who will follow this blog, that I will not weigh myself and be scale free for an entire year, it took things to a new level of scary. But saying that, I know that I can do this now. Because of your guys’ support and love, I know I can do this, and I will.
At first I thought I will give myself a few goals of where I want to be by next Jan 21, 2014, the official one year date of me being scale free. But as I sit here and think about it, I find it impossible to do that because that year feels so far away, I don’t even know how to make it to that point. All I do know is this: I need to make it through today. So, for that reason, I am not going to set some specific goal for myself of where I want to be a year from now after being scale free, which is a weird feeling since I am always the kind of person to set extremely high goals for myself (sometimes that are unattainable) and do anything I can do reach them. This time around, I am going to make the goal to just get through this year; to get from point A to point B and God willing have the strength to be healthy while doing it.
Also, I feel I should let you guys know that not only did I make the decision to be scale free for an entire year, but I gave my scale to E (my therapist), so it is not even in my house. Part of me feels like that is a relief and part of me, like right now, feels sad about it.
My scale was like my God-it was my number and it was what I defined myself by for that day. If it was low enough, I would be happy and proud but at the same time I would be ashamed because I knew the unhealthy things I had to do to get to that number. If it was high enough, I would be sad and angry and would punish myself by starving the rest of the day to fix it-but no matter what that number was, weather it was good or bad, it was a fact.
Today, I step into the world of the unknown, and that is scary.
I do not know what I weigh today. I do not know the “damage” that I have done in the past 8 days of not weighing myself. I have no number to tell me that I have eaten too much or that I have gone too far. The only thing I have is myself-and that is the scariest thing of all.
I have never been in a place in my life other than right now, where I have not been able to trust myself. I don’t trust what I see when I look in the mirror, I don’t trust my body when it tells me that it needs food or water, and I don’t completely yet trust myself to be healthy. But I am hoping this gets easier every day.
Right now, I can feel my skinny jeans pushing into the little tummy I now have and it does not feel good, but it is happening and I just have to go with it. It is times like these, where I truly believe (whether it is true or not, I do not know) that my jeans and shirt are fitting significantly tighter on me and I need to find a way to stop it-but I know I can’t because that would mean letting this eating disorder take my life, and I am not going to let that happen. I will win this.
So even though in this moment I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and unsure of myself, I know that I can truly look forward into my future and I can see that these hard moments are the moments that are going to make up a new life for me-a life full of freedom and a life free of this eating disorder.
I am going to finish this blog entry and take a second to realize, that yes, I feel not so great today about the way my clothes fit and I feel a little antsy and frustrated that I don’t know what I weigh, but I started my day by being Shira, not by being some number on the scale-and to that I can close my eyes and tell myself: hello life.