Hello to all my amazing supporters,
Today, I came to find that I really did not know who or what was looking back at me in the mirror after I got dressed. I knew it was my body, but it did not feel like that. I felt like it was a being whom I had never met.
All of our relationships in life, whether it’s with a friend,lover, or acquaintance, usually go something like this: both people meet, they get to know each other, then they start to like each other. From liking each other, they grow to loving each other, and from that love they grow to trust each other.
Right now, I am in two different relationships.
The first relationship is my relationship with my eating disorder, who I am fighting with every ounce of strength I have to break away from and to ultimately end this vicious cycle of abuse.
The second relationship is my relationship with my body. Me and my body feel like two completely separate entities; like two separate beings. For as long as I have been in my eating disorder, my body has not been a part of me-it has been part of my eating disorder.
Today, I am taking back my body from my eating disorder and reclaiming it.
For the past year and a half, I have known my body only through these few things: my number on the scale, by what bones I could see or by what skin was hanging off me. I apologize if this is a graphic image for some readers, but I said I would be truthful on this blog, and this is part of the cold hard truth of what an eating disorder looks like.
It is now time to find a new way to know my body. and to be very honest, I don’t know what that way is yet. If I look at myself for too long, I find a never ending list of imperfections. If I don’t look at myself at all, I feel I am running from the truth.
So for now, since I can’t tell you anything I like about my body, or truthfully know anything about my body, me and my body are simply in the stages of just meeting each other again, and I am going to have to be OK with that. I have hope that one day we will like each other again, and eventually love and trust each other.
There is however, one good thing that I can say about my body, and that is that I am extremely grateful that it has gotten me to where I am today. Despite the fact that I starved it and deprived it of so many essential nutrients for so long, it kept me alive and brought me through until today-and for that, I am deeply grateful and appreciative.
On the same token as me pushing myself out of my comfort zone today and forcing myself to say hello to my new body and try to be as accepting as I can of it, comes me finding a glimpse of inner strength,holding my head high and being able to smile and tell myself, “hello life.”
6 thoughts on “Day 9: Taking Back My Body”
I LOVE that you are able to express gratitude to your body! That is inspirational.
Thank you so much! That gives me strength to see you write that. Thank you.
Look inside love… It’s the most beautiful part of all! Even those of us without eating disorders NEVER love the body looking back at us and can always find something wrong. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to acknowledge you may not be happy (for whatever reason) yet accept it without having to try to change it always AND to find the gratitude for something we are not even feeling good about is where our biggest lessons come from in life.
You are exceptional that you are able to do that at such a young age! Keep on keeping on!
Thank u mom i love u!
I just wanted to let you know how proud i am of you, and how i love the fact that i have such a talented friend like yourself. Even though we dont get to see each other as much as I would like, I want you to know that I’m always here for you and I’m glad your taking charge of this and battling it out the way that you are. Your an amazing person with a wonderful heart, and I hope you can inspire many through sharing this secret. Once again you looked amazing today, and i know that’s hard for you to take in right now, but i’m glad you looked this amazing because it makes me happy to see you so beautiful and looking healthier than 6 months ago when i last saw you. Love you Shira Joon
Thank u melody joon im grateful to have u on this journey with me love u