Hello to all my amazing supporters,
Today, I came to find that I really did not know who or what was looking back at me in the mirror after I got dressed. I knew it was my body, but it did not feel like that. I felt like it was a being whom I had never met.
All of our relationships in life, whether it’s with a friend,lover, or acquaintance, usually go something like this: both people meet, they get to know each other, then they start to like each other. From liking each other, they grow to loving each other, and from that love they grow to trust each other.
Right now, I am in two different relationships.
The first relationship is my relationship with my eating disorder, who I am fighting with every ounce of strength I have to break away from and to ultimately end this vicious cycle of abuse.
The second relationship is my relationship with my body. Me and my body feel like two completely separate entities; like two separate beings. For as long as I have been in my eating disorder, my body has not been a part of me-it has been part of my eating disorder.
Today, I am taking back my body from my eating disorder and reclaiming it.
For the past year and a half, I have known my body only through these few things: my number on the scale, by what bones I could see or by what skin was hanging off me. I apologize if this is a graphic image for some readers, but I said I would be truthful on this blog, and this is part of the cold hard truth of what an eating disorder looks like.
It is now time to find a new way to know my body. and to be very honest, I don’t know what that way is yet. If I look at myself for too long, I find a never ending list of imperfections. If I don’t look at myself at all, I feel I am running from the truth.
So for now, since I can’t tell you anything I like about my body, or truthfully know anything about my body, me and my body are simply in the stages of just meeting each other again, and I am going to have to be OK with that. I have hope that one day we will like each other again, and eventually love and trust each other.
There is however, one good thing that I can say about my body, and that is that I am extremely grateful that it has gotten me to where I am today. Despite the fact that I starved it and deprived it of so many essential nutrients for so long, it kept me alive and brought me through until today-and for that, I am deeply grateful and appreciative.
On the same token as me pushing myself out of my comfort zone today and forcing myself to say hello to my new body and try to be as accepting as I can of it, comes me finding a glimpse of inner strength,holding my head high and being able to smile and tell myself, “hello life.”