Despite the fact that I told myself and the people who are reading my blog that I would not body check yesterday, I did it anyway and I feel like I have failed.
After I wrote my blog post yesterday, I did go to my bathroom with my clothes and had the intentions of not body checking, especially since my bathroom mirror is high enough that I can only see my face in it.
But as I was getting undressed, I had this overwhelming need to do my body check. I literally stood up on top of my bathroom sink so I could see my stomach in the mirror.
The minute I did it, I felt terrible about myself. I felt that I failed. I felt that I did not rise to the challenge that I gave to myself. This feeling of guilt and shame lasted pretty much all day.
These negative thoughts and feelings even carried over into me eating more sweets than I normally would,and of course, I felt like I totally sabotaged my body by doing that. In a twisted way, I think I did that to subconsciously punish myself for feeling like I failed.
To me, there is not a worse feeling in the world than the feeling of being mad at yourself and feeling that you’ve let yourself down.
I have a very “all or nothing” and “black and white” way of thinking. If I am doing something, I am doing it all the way. If I don’t do something, I don’t do it at all.
With black and white thinking, there is no guessing that needs to be done; if I starve, I know I will lose weight. If I binge, I know I have to find a way to get rid of it or starve the next day to make up for it. It is straight forward and factual.
I am beginning to see that recovery is not and will not be black and white.
I wish that I could throw away my scale for a year, stop body checking, stop trying on my skinny jeans and start to re-feed myself all at once and have everything just be over in 13 days. But I am now realizing that that is not a reality.
As of now, I need to accept that I am facing part 1 of this journey to recovery and that is not weighing myself or an entire year.
Recovery is going to be full of gray areas, and that is a hard fact for me to accept.
I wish I could say that I will give myself a break today from all my harsh self criticism and my immense amount of self judgement, but I know myself all too well to be able to say that to you all and actually believe it.
So yes, even though I am not weighing myself, I might go through today body checking again; I might go through today feeling bad for every bite of food I eat; and I might feel guilty for enjoying a piece of chocolate–but I am going to try to embrace the fact that going through these things are temporary. They are the gray areas of recovery that I know will one day pass.
One day, even though it might not be today or tomorrow or even a month from now-one day, I know that I will be able to not engage in my eating disorder behaviors, and that is something exciting and beautiful for me to look forward to.
But for the mean time, I am going to look forward to simply making it through another day of recovery. And to that I will say, “hello life.”