Day 317: Bad Days Don’t Last Forever

Hello everyone,

Let’s just call today the day of the sweets, because that’s pretty much what it was.

I was sitting here not too long ago listening to Ed tell me how horrible of a day today has been becuase of it, and it was hard not to listen to him.

He knows how to mesh his voice with mine so well, almost to the point that I can’t tell them apart.

But honestly, after I added up all those calories from today and almost had an anxiety attack over it, I realized that I was letting him win.

Really and truly, is it really that bad that I had m&m’s today?

Is it really that bad that I need to have something sweet after every meal?

Is it really that bad that I had a few bites of ice cream today, and also some chocolate…ok and maybe also some little cookies?

Well, actually, yeah. I guess it does look bad; really bad,at least in Ed’s world. In Ed’s world, eating what I ate today is the same as me laying down on the floor and wearing a sign around my neck that says “Kick me I have no self discipline.”

That’s what he has me thinking I am looking like right now.

I won’t sit here and write that I am happy about all the sweets I ate today because I am not. Partially because they were a bunch of little bites here and there, and that is really eating disordered like behavior. Ed takes bites; he doesn’t eat.

Recovery tastes, eats and enjoys.

I am also not happy because, well, for the obvious reason: sweets=calories. Ed hates calories.

But on the other hand, aren’t there worse things in life that I could have done today or yesterday than eat sweets?

While Ed is busy making me feel like I should be wearing that sign around my neck for not eating the healthiest of foods today, I’ve been exhausted.

I don’t even have the energy to deal with him. Part of the reason I even ate these sweets was to help me stay awake.

I fell asleep twice before being able to wake up and write this post.

These are the kinds of days where I am envious of people who are able to eat the m&m’s, or the few bites of ice cream or the cookie after lunch and think nothing of it.

They just go on with their day. How peaceful and calm that must be.

I’ve experienced that kind of peacefulness too, it just seems far away right now.

For the moment, I am not feeling the greatest. Even though I know Ed is wrong, I still feel like I am kind of wearing that invisible sign around my neck right now.

So maybe I’m a little left behind in Ed’s world right now, but the part of me that still has my foot in recovery is able to slightly reality clearly.

Reality check: there are worse things in life than eating sweets for a day; or two days, or all week.

And with that, as uncomfortable as I feel right now, I move on with today.

Bad days don’t last forever.

Hello life.

 

 

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Day 309: Whatever Enough Means…I Am It

Hello everyone,

I had another story run on the front page of my university newspaper today.

I didn’t workout because I needed a break.

I had one of the top officials at school approach me and want to do an interview with me for a story.

I found out I got an A on that presentation in one of my classes that I did last week that was 50 percent of my grade.

The beautiful woman who I documented her oral history on video was actually proud of the work I did.

And yet, for whatever reason, none of it was enough for me.

I found myself sitting here in bed right before I started writing this post, adding up the calories I ate today in my phone.

Like, really? Really? I had all these great accomplishments today, and that’s what I am sitting here doing? Adding up calories?

Why can’t I sit here and brag about all those little victories that I made happen for myself today? I did try and put my cover story on my Facebook page, but that didn’t help.

All because I ate today, none of my accomplishments seem to matter.

And I didn’t even eat “bad,” I ate totally on my meal plan-maybe some extra sweets but nothing that should logically make me feel guilty. It is days and moments like these where I need to stand back, close my eyes and give myself a reality check.

And if I can’t see the reality check, that’s fine, but at least I need to try.

Reality check: All my accomplishments today had nothing to do with Ed.

And actually, maybe that’s why Ed was so loud today, because he sees me succeeding in my life without him and he’s trying to hold onto me.

I honestly don’t want to be held by him anymore. Let me go, Ed. Some days you are nicer, some days you hold on tight, like today.

To sit here and not let myself feel proud of my accomplishments because of calories, pains my soul. I don’t deserve that, and I know it.

What I know and what I feel are two different things right now, but thats ok. Like  I always say, feelings come and go, but facts stay.

Maybe none of the things I did today feel like enough, but maybe tomorrow they will. Maybe this post will reach someone who is going through the same thing today,and maybe knowing that will be enough.

Maybe just realizing that I’m not in the happiest mood, and that it’s ok, and that it will pass is enough.

Maybe enough isn’t about amounting to anything or achieving some kind of accomplishments, maybe enough can start with just being honest with myself.

If I’m honest with Ed, well, there’s no honesty with Ed–if I let Ed pull me in to his lies, then my honesty with myself is gone and that’s not an option.

So here’s my honest moment with myself and I: we didn’t have the greatest day with how we feel about ourselves today, but we’re ok.

I got through the day being honest with myself instead of honest with Ed, I ate on the meal plan, and I am still able to see that tomorrow is a new day.

I mean, sometimes making it through the day is enough in itself right?

Whatever enough means, I would like to think I am it today.

Hello life.

enough

Day 307: Sorry That I’m Not Sorry

Hi guys,

I was helping my aunt cook today for the upcoming holidays this week, one of which will be Hanukkah. I am Jewish, so while I’m not big on religion, Hanukkah is more of cultural and family event that happens every year, and it’s always, always, always surrounded by lots of fried and delicous yet not Ed approved food.

The main food you eat is potato latkas, which are basically fried potatoes, pretty much like hash browns. So that was all my aunt and I made today–over 100 of those potato latkas.

Not only did I try the first one we made, I tried the second one, I tried probably the 20th one, the 30th one all the super crispy fried pieces that broke off in the frying pan while cooking, and a lunch in between, and then later on tried some more.

I later came home and had pizza for dinner with bread (ah..carb overload) and then realized that over the past few days, I pretty much ate an entire loaf of bread to myself.

I would be lying to you if I said there wasn’t a slight mini freak out moment of anxiety after I realized that fact about the loaf of bread-post eating fried potatoes all day and post eating pizza and bread for dinner (not to mention all my chocolate from yesterday).

Ed wanted me to be sorry.

He still does want me to be sorry.

But honestly, can’t I just have a few days where I eat whatever it is I want–chocolate, fried potatoes, an entire loaf of bread? Don’t people deserve that sometimes?

And also, aren’t I entitled to eat the food I worked so hard to cook today?

Even though I might not be happy with the idea of it all and I might be thinking about how much weight I’ve gained from this, especially with Thanksgiving coming up this week,  I am not sorry.

So Ed, I am sorry that I’m not sorry.

You know Ed? It’s the holidays…a time where people eat…and actually enjoy it…and somehow, they all move past it and don’t blow up like a huge balloon like you are trying to make me think I will.

You’re really just not that credible of a source anymore.

Again, sorry that I’m not sorry for what I ate today and these past few days, and sorry in advance for not being sorry about the food I’ll eat this week.

I see that Ed is not going to cut me any slack, so I’m going to have to work extra hard this week to be extra kind to myself.

It won’t be easy and I know I won’t succeed every minute of the day, but I will try.

It’s funny how the holiday season is about giving to others, but we so often forget to give to ourselves.

How amazing would it be if we could all give ourselves and others the gift of kindness this year?

One person who is for sure not on my gift list is Ed–and I’m not sorry for that either.

Hello life.

Day 306: The Power Of Good Company and Chocolate

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry for writing this post so late, but the truth is, that before now, I really didn’t have anything to write about.

I had one of those days where I was stressed out with work and people around me were just really annoying me, and basically just a typical day of stress.

And I think I’ve complained enough this week on my blog about me not finding a job, and being stressed out with school, etc., and I just didn’t feel like complaining about it even more.

Sometimes it helps to write about things that bother me, but other times, it gives them more power, and so for that reason, I didn’t want to write about them today, and I also was just sick of my own complaining.

I was going to stay home tonight, but my best friend came to my rescue and invited me for dinner.

Some awesome food , delicious chocolate covered almonds, chocolate bars and vanilla tea later, I sit here a happy camper again.

The power that some good company and chocolate can have on a person never cease to amaze me, especially when they are more powerful than Ed.

I saw this picture and it reminded me of myself tonight, just happily eating my chocolate and drinking my tea with my friends.

its-the-weekend-enjoy-lifes-simple-pleasures_1502

That picture pretty much sums up my night.

I am that happy satisfied little bear right now, simply enjoying life’s pleasures.

Hello life.

Day 305: Just Me And My Brownie Pop

Happy Friday everyone,

I was having lunch with my sister today, when right after we were done, I really wanted something sweet and she didn’t have the time to get dessert with me.

So I tried all the alternatives: chewing gum, eating an orange, having a tic tac…nothing worked.

Ed was practicaclly shoving those things in my face telling me that they counted as dessert, when really, let’s be honest, they didn’t count for anything but boringness. Pure and utter boringness. (I am not sure if boringness is a word, but let’s say it is for the sake of this post).

I sat in my car for about 10 minutes thinking about what to do, and then I just decided it: I was driving myself to the bakery to get a dessert, hopefully a brownie because that’s what I was craving.

It didn’t matter that it was after lunch, it didn’t matter that it was not a Saturday or Sunday and it didn’t matter that it wasn’t part of my meal plan or that it wasn’t snack time yet.

I was just going to do it.

So I walked into the bakery and to my surprise, all the good stuff was practically gone.  I really wanted a brownie but I didn’t see any left. Maybe this was because it was 3 p.m on a Friday, I am not sure.

But then I saw this perfectly beautiful brownie pop covered in edible flowers and it just was asking me to buy it.

So I bought it. No box, no bag necessary–I was going to eat it right then.

I’m not ready to eat dessert alone out in public yet, and I even told the cashier the brownie pop was for someone else…why I did that, I am not sure. That was most definitly Ed talking. So needles to say, it wasn’t a perfect bakery visit but it was 97% there. I am OK with that.

So anyway, I went back to my car, put on the radio and sat and ate that delicious brownie pop.

By the way, a brownie pop is a brownie on a stick. I am not sure about other places in the world, but here in LA, anything on a stick is the “it” thing right now.

Brownie pops, cake pops, rice crispy treats on a stick..we have it all.

So it was just me and my brownie pop happily enjoying each others company.

And the best thing is, while Ed might have been with me while I was talking to the cashier in the bakery, he was definitely not with me when I was eating that brownie pop.

I think this was actually the first brownie pop I’ve ever had.

Today was a great day in recovery because I listened to myself instead of Ed and I didn’t let Ed guilt trip me after I was done eating. This doesn’t happen often, so when it does, I am truly grateful.

I mean…I drove myself to a bakery because I wanted a brownie…how much more recovery can one day have?

Hello to many more brownie pops..cake pops…and whatever other pops that I may want to try and

hello life.

Day 304: The Best Breakfast Break Ever

Happy Friday Eve lifers,

So I woke up this morning at 6 am to do this at-home workout that my trainer had given me to do. I had it all written down, it was all planned and I was ready to go.

I even put a picture of the exercise plan that was written down on my Instagram and personal Facebook page. I don’t even know why I did that, because I later deleted it because this “gym rat”  vibe that picture gave off is far from who I am or from who I want to be.

But anyway, I was tired and didn’t feel like doing it, but I guess Ed kind of partially told me to. But when I tired to do it in the living room, I felt so closed in-I needed to be outside.

Only when I went outside, it was raining and wet.

So what does this mean? It meant I was over this whole at home work out and Ed could just get over it too.

And I was hungry.

So I told myself I would take a breakfast break and then finish the workout after.

Well, the breakfast break turned into a shower and nap break which then never led back to the workout.

It was the best breakfast break ever, because it kind of stayed a break for hours.

And I still went on to eat foods actually very out of my comfort zone today, which doesn’t physically feel so great right now, but I am alive, I am breathing and it will pass.

And on top of this breakfast break turned nap break, I also got my new shipment of Hello Life bracelets today. Almost half of them are already gone, which is insane because who knew it was possible to truly form such a strong community through one blog?

So if anyone wants one please use the contact me page, and I ask that we please keep it to 2 a person so I have enough to last me a while.

Also, so far from the voting about what to do with my scale, it looks like the majority of people are ready to smash it to pieces. But guess we’ll see in time.

Today I say hello to the best breakfast break ever and to another day of recovery.

Hello life.

 

Day 300: Impossible No Longer Exists

Hello lifers,

Today we celebrate our last milestone together until 65 days from now when we will have reached one entire year without a scale and our very last blog post.

Today we celebrate 300 days of being without a scale; 300 days of hope, 300 days of inner strength and 300 days of self acceptance.

But most importantly, today we celebrate 300 days of humanity.

We celebrate 300 days of people coming together from all around the world to support, love and encourage one another.

I say we celebrate today, as opposed to saying just I, because this blog has become the journey of so many.

It’s become my journey, your journey, my struggles and your struggles all wrapped up in one online community who have come together to support one another.

Today, we celebrate doing the impossible.

If someone had told me 300 days ago that I could go even one day without my scale, I wold have never believed them.

There were days where I couldn’t even go one hour without my scale.

So to now make it to 300 days of being without it and of being in recovery, I can honestly say that we’ve defeated the impossible.

Ed was my impossible.

With Ed, living was impossible.

Laughter was impossible.

Close relationships were impossible, and mostly, loving myself was impossible.

300 days of fighting for my freedom from this eating disorder later, and I can truly say that those things have not only become possible, but they’ve become my reality.

Obviously, you know by reading my posts, that not everyday is a happy reality and not everyday is easy.

I actually think it’s safe to say that there are more hard days than easy days. But without suffering and without hardship, there is no growth.

So here is to all of us fighters-not just those with eating disorders, who are learning to grow through our pain.

Here is to 300 days—and let me repeat, 300 DAYS, of believing in myself enough, that even on my hardest days, I never turned back to Ed.

Here is to 300 days of you all believing in me enough to never stop supporting me, even on the days that I didn’t know how to support myself.

Here is to the beauty of human kind, to the love of strangers who have now become friends through this blog and to the strength in numbers that we all get from supporting one another.

Here is to the last 65 days that we have to journey, grow and learn from one another.

Here is to the next 65 days to finding our paths to self acceptance, self love and self compassion.

If you’re reading this blog post right now,thank you for being a part of my journey.

300 days of fighting for freedom from Ed.

300 days of defeating what I once thought was impossible.

I don’t know what else to say. 300 days guys. Impossible no longer exists.

Hello life.