Well, let’s just jump right in!
This was my first hard body image week and it came out of no where.
Actually, right after it happened, I came here and just wrote my thoughts down on this post (even though it was days ago) because I knew I would feel better once I put my thoughts on paper.
Sometimes I can feel bad body days coming, but this time I couldn’t.
I was getting ready to go out with some friends when all the sudden I just looked in the mirror and thought to myself, “Wow! You really got big, Shira. Everywhere.”
On Saturday I was working out at the gym and I could feel myself looking at myself in the mirror looking at all the parts of my body that I thought, in my mind, got bigger. Which of course, in ED world, is everything (even though it might not be true in real life). But I was able to brush it off.
The next day was different.
I couldn’t brush the feeling off when I was looking in the mirror.
I can’t explain it. I felt everything got huge all at once.
My first instinct was to be extreme, as it usually is, and I thought to myself, “Thats it! No more exploring foods. No more eating horrible!”
But then I re-read my last blog post and I mean, I really read it-with the healthy part of my brain. And yet there was nothing in there that was so “horrible.”
Not measuring mini-wheats in the morning is not so horrible.
Mixing lemonade with water isn’t so horrible.
Having a tamale isn’t so horrible.
I was already late to meeting our friends, but I knew I needed a moment to cry. Sometimes I think we just need that. I am not going to lie, it was a sad cry, not a happy cry.
And that’s ok too. I am grateful, even when I am sad, that these days I feel my emotions, and not stop them with food restriction like I did in Ed days.
I sat in the bathroom and cried because I think it finally hit me that I am kind of scared.
It wasn’t the kind of cry I wanted to do in front of anyone or anything- I just needed the space for myself.
I realized I am scared what pregnancy is going to do to my body.
I am scared what this new “exploring foods” thing is going to do to my body.
And really, this isn’t about the new foods. And I know that.
I just feel a total sense of loss of control.
I can try to be as healthy as possible with food and exercise, (and trust me, with pregnancy cravings and pregnancy dislikes and pregnancy exhaustion, that is really hard) but other than that, I know there is not much else I can do.
My body, for the first time ever, is growing a human life.
I want so badly to give it that beautiful, unconditional loving freedom to just do what it has to do!
And I don’t want to spend my pregnancy hating my body. And I hope as this journey progresses, I will get better at loving myself a little more.
I know, and have known all along, I wouldn’t be one of the lucky people in the world to only gain weight in my tummy and have this cute little bump and gain no where else. That has never been my body structure.
But it’s different when you see it in real life for the first time, even though you know it in your head.
That being said, I didn’t let my hard moment ruin my entire day.
I still went out with my husband and our friends.
I still went to Cheesecake Factory and got my favorite Linda Fudge Cake (although now that I am pregnant she wasn’t as great as she used to be but that’s ok Linda, I still love you).
I still made Valentine’s Day dinner for my husband this week, which by no means was “healthy” and I don’t care because it was special for him and us.
Those are wins.
There is no way to sugarcoat hard days. I am not even going to try to.
And, I know they will come again, probably more frequently.
Maybe it’s kind of like the first cut you ever get is the deepest. Now that I got through this big first preggo challenge, maybe the next one won’t be as hard. Or maybe it will.
The good news is that it didn’t stop me from living my life. It didn’t stop me from having fun. It didn’t cause any self destructive behaviors like restriction.
And for that, I am really proud.
I was telling one of the ladies who I mentor last week that recovery is a very squiggly line. It goes up then it goes down then it goes haywire and sideways and then it goes up again.
But as long as your line keeps moving, it’s recovery. If your line stops moving, it’s time to re-focus.
But I told her, as long as her line is moving, it doesn’t matter what direction it’s in, that as long as it’s moving, it is something to be proud of.
So maybe my line had a little jumps this week. Maybe it had some downs and some ups. But that’s ok because here it is, still moving along.
Today, I celebrate my line moving along another day in this beautiful and emotional journey and I celebrate this beautiful little soul growing in my body and in my heart in so many ways, they don’t even know yet.