This morning I sit here writing to you feeling completely beat up by Ed.
After having a beautiful Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend last night, we stopped to get frozen yogurt. Getting frozen yogurt was already something Ed was not happy about, but I was able to enjoy myself because it was allowed on the meal plan. But after we got home, not only did I have a piece of poppy seed pastry, and four hard candies, I had three Sees Candy chocolates. Three entire chocolates. Let me repeat that so you all can understand how horrible I feel: THREE ENTIRE FAT FILLED CHOCOLATES.
All of this happened in the span of about five minutes. Normally, if this would have been a binge, I would have eaten the chocolates standing up and try to not feel what I am doing. But last night, I was mindful. I sat down and ate each chocolate piece by piece and the pastry bite by bite. I did not binge, and I did lose control. However, this did not step Ed from beating me up over it and for making me feel like I did binge. All last night I listened to Ed telling me that I have ruined my body, that I have instantly gained a ton of weight and that I am a failure for letting myself fall off track.
And all of last night, I just listened to him. Even up until right now, I feel he is right. I do not physically or emotionally have the energy to stand up to Ed this second. And I said I would be honest on this blog, so even though I am ashamed to say this, I do think he is right. I am even mad at myself for eating lunch yesterday, because I feel if I skipped it, it would have cancelled out the calories from the sweets.
The sad part is that those chocolates tasted amazing. They were so delicious. And I could not even enjoy them. The fact that Ed is keeping me from enjoying something that I love; something as small as chocolate, just makes me sad. It is the small things in life, like a piece of chocolate or a beautiful flower, that make up moments of happiness, and I feel that Ed is taking those away from me right now.
I have been going around in circles all night and all morning just wishing that I did not have to follow this meal plan today and that I can just not eat so I can fix all that I ate last night. I will not do that because I am bigger than Ed, I am stronger than Ed and I know these feelings will pass.
But right now, I feel smaller than Ed and I feel mad at myself that I disobeyed him. Maybe tomorrow I will be proud of myself for challenging Ed last night and eating what I wanted, but for this second, that is not my reality.
All I can do in this moment, is close my eyes and ask God to give me the inner strength to be kind to myself today and the wisdom to know that I will bounce back from this beating from Ed and that all of this fighting is worth it.
No matter what, I will not start my day without reminding myself of the reason I am in this fight in the first place, and that reason is: “hello life.”