Day 297: It’s Just A Day-Not My Life

Hi everyone,

What a day.

Let me start off by saying that remember how yesterday I said I felt huge, yet I was able to kind of push it aside and not let it bother me as much?

OK, well today, it’s bothering me a lot more. A lot, a lot, a lot more.

I had a job interview today, which meant I needed to go find my nice work clothes, clothes that I haven’t worn in  a very long time. But ironically, I actually used to wear these clothes when I was not in my eating disorder so I thought that they couldn’t be triggering.

But, they were.

Naturally, I had to try every single thing on; every skirt, every pant, every shirt, just everything. And when the pants that I tried on that used to fit snug on me when I was X amount of weight, now fit me the same way, it made me wonder if I weigh the same now as when I last wore them (not a number I like).

I don’t need to describe this whirl wind of events  that occurred after that because I am sure by now, you all know what happened.

I stood in the mirror and tried to think of what I weigh now and what I weighed last time I wore them and how big I look.

What can I say? I thought about it for quite a while and then I had to go get ready and leave so I just left the thought where it was .

I am still not sure what I think about it, but I don’t like it.

Moving on to my job interview which took place an hour after my mini guess the weight game with myself and Ed.

I was grilled in this interview. Four people interviewed me asking me questions as ifI wasn’t qualified for the job that they had called me in to do the interview for.

No small enough weight in the world could have saved me from that hard interview today . I left there wondering if I wasn’t up to par with  what they wanted in a candidate for this job.

Combine not feeling up to par with people’s expectations of you with feeling huge and trying to estimate my weight a few hours earlier, it’s safe to say that today hasn’t been the most fabulous of days.

However, it’s just a day-not my life.

On to tomorrow.

On to the next interview (ok, well wishful thinking, but let’s hope there will be other interviews).

On to another day where even if I spend all day trying to guess my weight, I’ll never know it.

On to another day of hard earned recovery.

For anyone else not having the greatest of days today, on to tomorrow we go.

Hello life. 

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Day 290: Bon Appétit To Me

Happy almost Friday everyone,

I just have two things to say today:

Ed was really quiet today. He let me eat in peace for the majority of my day and I wasn’t too absorbed in him and his lies.

And lastly, I am about to go to a friends house who is cooking me some delicious Russian food–one of my favorite foods–may I add it’s a very unsafe food as it’s made with many delicious caloric ingredients that Ed hates, but I am going anyway and I am actually excited for it.

Who would have thought that 9 months ago I would have said that I am excited to go eat some  unapproved Ed food?!

I don’t take days like today where I get to live in a few breaths of freedom for granted.

I am grateful, I am appreciative and I am excited to tell you all tomorrow about my dinner that I am heading out to right now.

Bon appétit to me (No Ed, you’re not invited).

Hello life.