Happy Second Birthday Hello Life: Celebrating 2 Years Without A Scale

I still remember the day I gave up my scale two years ago today. It was the most painful day of my life.

I didn’t know how I would make it without waking up each morning and knowing what number I was that day.

How would I know if I was good? How would I know if I was bad? How would I know anything if I didn’t have my number on the scale to tell me.

Today, I know that I am no longer defined by a number.

This is what I was defined by today: (a text message from my 11-year-old brother).

“Happy Hello Life Day!You taught me what never giving up means. You taught me what it means to set a goal and not let anything stop you from getting it. You are the center of my heart,” he wrote.

With that text message, I was reminded of why I started this journey-and that was to save myself from Ed so I can live in freedom and live knowing what it feels like to let someone else love me other than Ed.

I started it because I knew somewhere deep down, I deserved to wake up and not have to run to my scale-that I deserved to start my day not being predicted by what that scale read.

I started it so I could go to my family dinners. I started it so I could eat a piece of my own birthday cake. I started it because I knew I deserved to live.

Today, as I celebrate my own recovery and the strength it took to get me here, I think about the many people who are still fighting for that recovery-for the people who are laying down tonight trying to make tomorrow that day of change. You are not alone. Even if tomorrow is not that day, you are not alone.

When we suffer with an eating disorder, we often suffer in silence.

Through this blog, we have gotten loud. And that noise, has saved my life, and the lives of others.

To everyone who has stood by me these past two years-thank you is not enough. My recovery is not only mine-as I’ve always said, it’s the journey of this whole Hello Life community.

Today is about gratitude-gratitude for all the support I have.

Today is about compassion-compassion for those who are where I was two years ago.

Today is about appreciation-appreciation for those who are in a stronger place in their recovery than I am.

Today is about strength- strength to walk the path of self-love.

Today is about celebration for life-and being ready to continue on this journey.

There’s a hundred things I can list here that I want to say about today: but here’s the most important ones:

I am alive and I am free.

Happy second birthday Hello Life.

Advertisements

Day 329: Redefining Accomplishments

Hello everybody,

Ok, so today  I really had to force myself to stick to my original good old plan.

At first, I was upset at myself because I thought I was past the point of needing to force myself and reminding  myself to stick to my meal plan, because I have so often just listened to my body and eat whatever I want.

But like always, I learn again that I can’t plan my recovery.

So, today I wasn’t past that point, oh well, I did what I had to do. Moving on.

Right before I was about to write this post, I was trying to find an index card for my final tomorrow to make study cards, and I came across my very first journal that E (my therapist gave me).

On the very first page, it said “Accomplishments.”

In the very beginning of my recovery, E had me write down my recovery accomplishments every day. I totally forgot about them.

Here is the first page of it:

photo

As you can see, I am sure we are all grateful this blog is typed and not hand written since my writing is horrible.

But it  starts on December 28, almost a year ago from today, and it said I ate frozen yogurt and chocolate.

The next day, December 29,it  said I ate dinner even though I was in a fight with my boyfriend at the time.

The list goes on over the next few days to include eating dinner, one time eating cake and coffee creamer and one time eating even though I thought I weighed too much. (Keep in mind, this was on January 2, I gave up my scale January 21).

Looking at that list made me realize that even though it’s been almost a year since I wrote it, those accomplishments still need to be celebrated.

So what if I had to force myself to stick to the plan today?

I still did it, and that’s an accomplishment.

My favorite part about that original list of accomplishments is that every day it said I had some kind of sweets.

For those who read this blog every day, you know how much I love sweets.

I am so happy that I am here a year later and still able to say I am still eating sweets-and may I use today as a reminder to not forget what an accomplishment that is.

To all of our accomplishments today, wether it be big or small, or with food or with our mentality, we deserve to own them, recognize them and celebrate them.

Now that I think of it, what does the word accomplishment even mean?

If you asked me this on a whim during the day, right now in my life, I would tell you it means that I am graduating college tomorrow and that If I only had a job, then I would be accomplished.

But seeing this list shows me how far from the truth that is.

Since when does accomplishments have to be a job? Or money? Or not having to work so hard to follow the meal plan?

Since when does the word accomplishment even have a certain level of expectation that I need to reach in order to celebrate it?

I don’t like it and I want to change that.

No more rules and expectations to what I need to do to feel accomplished.

My list that I made a year ago had no expectations from E when I made it. She just wanted me to find a reason to feel proud of myself every day.

So let’s redefine accomplishment to exactly that: finding a reason to be proud of ourselves every day; even if all we did that day was wake up and simply exist in the moment.

And even if all we did, like me today, was follow our meal plan.

May I add, I found out today that this blog made it onto NEDA’s 2014 Blogroll.

Our journey, our stories, and our support for one another made that possible-and if anything, that’s the biggest accomplishment of all.

Hello life.

Day 304: The Best Breakfast Break Ever

Happy Friday Eve lifers,

So I woke up this morning at 6 am to do this at-home workout that my trainer had given me to do. I had it all written down, it was all planned and I was ready to go.

I even put a picture of the exercise plan that was written down on my Instagram and personal Facebook page. I don’t even know why I did that, because I later deleted it because this “gym rat”  vibe that picture gave off is far from who I am or from who I want to be.

But anyway, I was tired and didn’t feel like doing it, but I guess Ed kind of partially told me to. But when I tired to do it in the living room, I felt so closed in-I needed to be outside.

Only when I went outside, it was raining and wet.

So what does this mean? It meant I was over this whole at home work out and Ed could just get over it too.

And I was hungry.

So I told myself I would take a breakfast break and then finish the workout after.

Well, the breakfast break turned into a shower and nap break which then never led back to the workout.

It was the best breakfast break ever, because it kind of stayed a break for hours.

And I still went on to eat foods actually very out of my comfort zone today, which doesn’t physically feel so great right now, but I am alive, I am breathing and it will pass.

And on top of this breakfast break turned nap break, I also got my new shipment of Hello Life bracelets today. Almost half of them are already gone, which is insane because who knew it was possible to truly form such a strong community through one blog?

So if anyone wants one please use the contact me page, and I ask that we please keep it to 2 a person so I have enough to last me a while.

Also, so far from the voting about what to do with my scale, it looks like the majority of people are ready to smash it to pieces. But guess we’ll see in time.

Today I say hello to the best breakfast break ever and to another day of recovery.

Hello life.

 

Day 296: Hello Dear Ice Cream

Hi guys,

What do I have to say today?Truthfully, I don’t really know.

I could sit and think of some inspiring quote I found online or something of that sort and relate it to recovery in some kind of way, but this blog is a daily journal of my daily life in recovery so if I did that just in hopes of writing an inspirational post, it wouldn’t be authentic.

So in light of that, here’s today’s boring and  uneventful yet authentic post.

I honestly felt huge today. I really did and for various reasons.

I haven’t been eating that healthy and I haven’t work out as much lately, so this isn’t a surprise to me. I think even people who don’ t have eating disorders have days like this.

And, for the past two days, I’ve been hungry all the time. And I mean, all of the time.

But instead of being mad about that, as at one time I would have been, (I actually remember a time in the beginning of recovery where I was mad at myself for eating 5 extra almonds because I was extra hungry) I’ve learned to kind of laugh at it and to just go with the flow.

Over time, I am slowly learning to trust my body.

So, if it’ s hungry, it’s hungry.

If it wants to eat two snacks instead of one, which it did both yesterday and today, I will have to let it do so.

And if it wants to eat ice cream for dessert every night (a reoccurring theme for the past three days) then I guess I am going to let it do that too.

At first when I woke up this morning feeling huge, I told myself that I am not eating any sweets today or any ice cream.

But that didn’t last for long because I love chocolate, and now that I am writing this, I really want that ice cream again.

And we have two really amazing flavors in the freezer too (thank you to my sister).

So…knowing myself and my sweet tooth, I already know I am going to end up eating it.

And while my day is still uneventful and maybe hasn’t led me to writing the most inspiring of posts, it did leave me with two things to be grateful for: I felt huge today, yet I continued on with my day and ate what my body asked for anyway, and I am giving myself permission to eat ice cream for the 4th night in a row.

Hello dear ice cream and hello life.