Day 28: Eyes Wide Open

Hello everyone,

Last night, I decided to take a much needed break from my boyfriend of three years, one of the most terrifying and heart breaking decisions I have ever had to make.

When I began recovery, I remember telling E that I was scared for what recovery would mean for my relationships. I didn’t exactly know why it scared me, but I knew that it was the one part of recovery that  I was fearful of.

When I was locked into my eating disorder, all I cared about was how much I weighed and how much food I could restrict.  For the past year and a half, being so immersed in Ed let me close my eyes to the things I did not want to really look at.

When I was in my eating disorder, I didn’t care that my boyfriend would come home late at night after drinking, I didn’t care if he disrespected me or put me down–all I cared about was my beautiful and glorious number on the scale. Whenever he did make me feel bad, all I had to do was go back to the arms of Ed and he would comfort me.

Last night, after a long and draining argument, I sat in my bed and I knew I had only two options.  I could either do what I have done many times in the past 2 years, which is I could stay in our house, go back to restricting and let Ed be my solution and then pretend to get past this fight, or I could get up, stand up for myself and for once, face my problem, instead of letting Ed make it all better.

When I chose to actually be honest with myself, and with my boyfriend, I knew I had just made a huge statement to Ed.  This time, he will not be my answer.  This time, not eating will not be enough to be a solution. This time, I could not go on another night being fake with my own emotions. Where at one time, I was able to cover up my true feelings of hurt and disrespect by restricting, and then tricking myself into believing that everything in my relationship was fine, I cannot do that anymore.

I am sure that my boyfriend will not be happy that I am writing about us so publicly on my blog, but from the first day, this blog has been nothing but honest, and I cannot stop now. To be truthful, I have never been so honest in my entire life than I was last night.

Now that I am not fully in my eating disorder, my eyes are open. They are wide open and they see things that unfortunately I do not want to see–but for the first time, I am able to see things from my eyes, not from Ed’s eyes.

And while my boyfriend has tried his very best to be supportive of my recovery, I see now that just because he is trying to be supportive, does not mean he can be mean to me or condescending to me in other areas of our relationship.

Before I left the house last night, my boyfriend told me that “I am losing him because of my mouth,” meaning I am losing him because of the honest words I was saying.

This statement stood out to me and I thought about it all night.  The same mouth that once restricted food and let that restriction be a solution to the feelings he made me feel-the same mouth that shut up for so long–is now the same mouth that has begun to eat again and be healthy again-the same mouth that finally decided to open up and speak up for myself.  If speaking up for myself, and honoring my true feelings, instead of honoring Ed’s “true feelings and solutions,” means losing the love of my life, then I will have to find  a way to accept that.

To my boyfriend who is reading this blog today-I am sorry if you feel exposed that I am writing about this here for the world to see, but this is the truth of what I am going through.  This is part of my recovery.  Being able to see your actions clearly (friends, drinking, yelling, disrespect) and being able to see that no amount of weight loss will ever change that–that has all come from my recovery.  I am not sure what this break will mean for us, how long it will be, or what it will result in, but I do know that whatever it brings, it will bring truth, and we are both worthy of the truth.

Through the heart break and sadness that I am feeling right now, I can find truth in saying hello to my eyes being as open as they have ever been, hello to being true to myself, and “hello life.”

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Day 21: Getting My Meal Plan

Hello everyone,

After I woke up this morning feeling sore again, I had to go to the nutritionist to get my meal plan.

Did I want to go get a meal plan after feeling so physically uncomfortable ? No I did not.

To be honest, I really thought I did extremely well this week by increasing my calories on my own. I was actually considering canceling my appointment. But knowing no one on my health team or support team would support that decision, I went.

I was shocked to learn that despite my drastic calorie increase, my weight was the same today that it was last week (even though I do not know what that number is). It truly is mind boggling to me because when I look in the mirror I see a completely different and bigger person than I saw a week ago.

But that leaves me with the harsh realization that my so called healthy meal plan is most likely not that healthy.

So here I am one hour later with a meal plan that what the nutritionist considers restrictive is very very overwhelming for me.

I will be honest and say right now I mentally don’t know how I’ll be able to keep to this plan of constant eating but I know I’ll have to find a way.

I am going to take my black and white personality and put all of my effort and energy into trying my best to trust my health team and to just do what this plan says.

Ed is already telling me to throw the plan away. He’s already telling me that it will ruin what I’ve worked so hard for. But that is ok. I will continue to fight Ed today just like I have been .

So on that note, hello to a new day of fighting , hello to my new meal plan, and lastly, “hello life.”

About My Blog

Let me take some time to introduce myself and tell you a little about the purpose behind this blog.

My name is Shira Moskowitz, I am 22 years old and I am in recovery for an eating disorder.  I am studying journalism at CSUN and hope to be an awesome reporter one day.

Now ,I have a few reasons for why I am doing this blog.  The first reason is to help myself.  I have realized that if I am going to go on this journey of one entire year without a scale, I am going to need some kind of outlet to express every emotion I am feeling.  What will those emotions be?  I am not totally sure; actually, I am not sure at all.  All I do know if that whatever it is I will be feeling and going through, I am going to post it all right here to document my journey.

The second reason I am writing this blog is to help others who are struggling like me.  If you are someone who is battling an eating disorder,  this blog is for you.  If you are someone who has ever been at odds with the person starring back at you in the mirror, this blog is for you.  If you are someone who has ever felt insignificant or undeserving of anything short of the best, than this blog is for you.

This blog is for those brave and courageous souls in the world-with or without an eating disorder, who have ever challenged themselves to do something and made the painstaking decision to stick with it and fight as hard as they can to make sure they succeed. 

This blog, my fellow fighters, this is for us.