Week 19: A Pregnancy Without A Scale

Happy Sunday fighters,

In a few days I will be half way through my pregnancy! It is crazy how fast that came.

Despite what could have been a bad week, this week was actually a really great week. I was proud of myself for taking what could have been a potentially triggering situation and turning it into something I could learn and grow from.

Enter, the situation:

Earlier this week I had my first body preggo comment. And I knew it was bound to happen, because that is just people being people and that is totally ok.

I had someone ask me, “Has anyone said anything to you about your weight gain because your a lot bigger than most people at 19 weeks.”

I think I was kind of taken back by the comment because I wasn’t really expecting it, but I remember immediately starting to defend myself saying how healthy I was trying to eat despite some cravings, and how I was trying to work out best I could, ¬†and then I realized, midway through my talking, “Why am I defending myself?’!

For a quick second, I think I felt judged, and therefore felt the need to justify my eating habits, pregnancy cravings, or tiredness.

I realized later I was still thinking about the comment a lot, more than I wanted to be.

I had been thinking about what I was going to eat or not eat all the mistakes I had done.

Then by that night, as I was telling my husband about it, I realized that the person who said that had zero bad intention.

She didn’t mean for me to get all stuck in my ED obsessive mind and obsess all day over what I am going to change; she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. In her mind, she was just stating a comment.

It was me, and my own experiences that I bought to that conversation, that made me react that way.

She never told me not to eat what I was eating. She didn’t comment on my working out. She didn’t do any of that; that was all in my mind.

I was really proud of myself for realizing that so early on. And, it was a way for me to stop Ed in his tracks.

I could have let that derail me.

I could have let that make me feel bad about my body.

But it didn’t. And it didn’t because I made the choice to not let it, and in a world where Ed can feel so overwhelming and where we can sometimes feel so powerless, that felt pretty amazing.

Moving on from that day, I have and still do feel really amazing.

I love my Nutella sessions, my workouts with my bump on my slower pace and my hamburger craving that was the best thing in this world. I have enjoyed it all.

I know that every week things will change for me, and I am sure as I get a lot bigger in these next 4 months my feelings will change too.

But for now, I find myself not caring as much about the pregnancy weight as I thought I would. I find myself not caring about people’s comments as much as I thought I would. And I am sure that might and probably will change as time goes on.

But for now, I am focused on so much more than my body changes.

I am focused on the fact that the nonprofit I started on my own to help others with eating disorders got its first grant this week.

I am focused on how I am going to balance being a mama, work, my nonprofit and life.

I am focused on gratitude towards my body.

I am just so in love with my body and I am so grateful to it.

This body, that at one point five years ago, could faint or black out at any moment, is growing me a beautiful baby boy.

Can you believe that? All on it’s own!

After all those years of starvation I put it through, here it is, giving me life.

In turn, I know it can only do that because five years ago, and every single day since then, I wake up each day and make the decision that I am choosing recovery.

That decision to win back my life, is now creating my husband and I new beautiful life on its own.

There is no number on a scale, stretch mark, craving or pound that could ever come close to ruining that for me in this moment.

Hello life.

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