Week 19: A Pregnancy Without A Scale

Happy Sunday fighters,

In a few days I will be half way through my pregnancy! It is crazy how fast that came.

Despite what could have been a bad week, this week was actually a really great week. I was proud of myself for taking what could have been a potentially triggering situation and turning it into something I could learn and grow from.

Enter, the situation:

Earlier this week I had my first body preggo comment. And I knew it was bound to happen, because that is just people being people and that is totally ok.

I had someone ask me, “Has anyone said anything to you about your weight gain because your a lot bigger than most people at 19 weeks.”

I think I was kind of taken back by the comment because I wasn’t really expecting it, but I remember immediately starting to defend myself saying how healthy I was trying to eat despite some cravings, and how I was trying to work out best I could,  and then I realized, midway through my talking, “Why am I defending myself?’!

For a quick second, I think I felt judged, and therefore felt the need to justify my eating habits, pregnancy cravings, or tiredness.

I realized later I was still thinking about the comment a lot, more than I wanted to be.

I had been thinking about what I was going to eat or not eat all the mistakes I had done.

Then by that night, as I was telling my husband about it, I realized that the person who said that had zero bad intention.

She didn’t mean for me to get all stuck in my ED obsessive mind and obsess all day over what I am going to change; she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. In her mind, she was just stating a comment.

It was me, and my own experiences that I bought to that conversation, that made me react that way.

She never told me not to eat what I was eating. She didn’t comment on my working out. She didn’t do any of that; that was all in my mind.

I was really proud of myself for realizing that so early on. And, it was a way for me to stop Ed in his tracks.

I could have let that derail me.

I could have let that make me feel bad about my body.

But it didn’t. And it didn’t because I made the choice to not let it, and in a world where Ed can feel so overwhelming and where we can sometimes feel so powerless, that felt pretty amazing.

Moving on from that day, I have and still do feel really amazing.

I love my Nutella sessions, my workouts with my bump on my slower pace and my hamburger craving that was the best thing in this world. I have enjoyed it all.

I know that every week things will change for me, and I am sure as I get a lot bigger in these next 4 months my feelings will change too.

But for now, I find myself not caring as much about the pregnancy weight as I thought I would. I find myself not caring about people’s comments as much as I thought I would. And I am sure that might and probably will change as time goes on.

But for now, I am focused on so much more than my body changes.

I am focused on the fact that the nonprofit I started on my own to help others with eating disorders got its first grant this week.

I am focused on how I am going to balance being a mama, work, my nonprofit and life.

I am focused on gratitude towards my body.

I am just so in love with my body and I am so grateful to it.

This body, that at one point five years ago, could faint or black out at any moment, is growing me a beautiful baby boy.

Can you believe that? All on it’s own!

After all those years of starvation I put it through, here it is, giving me life.

In turn, I know it can only do that because five years ago, and every single day since then, I wake up each day and make the decision that I am choosing recovery.

That decision to win back my life, is now creating my husband and I new beautiful life on its own.

There is no number on a scale, stretch mark, craving or pound that could ever come close to ruining that for me in this moment.

Hello life.

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Day 300: Impossible No Longer Exists

Hello lifers,

Today we celebrate our last milestone together until 65 days from now when we will have reached one entire year without a scale and our very last blog post.

Today we celebrate 300 days of being without a scale; 300 days of hope, 300 days of inner strength and 300 days of self acceptance.

But most importantly, today we celebrate 300 days of humanity.

We celebrate 300 days of people coming together from all around the world to support, love and encourage one another.

I say we celebrate today, as opposed to saying just I, because this blog has become the journey of so many.

It’s become my journey, your journey, my struggles and your struggles all wrapped up in one online community who have come together to support one another.

Today, we celebrate doing the impossible.

If someone had told me 300 days ago that I could go even one day without my scale, I wold have never believed them.

There were days where I couldn’t even go one hour without my scale.

So to now make it to 300 days of being without it and of being in recovery, I can honestly say that we’ve defeated the impossible.

Ed was my impossible.

With Ed, living was impossible.

Laughter was impossible.

Close relationships were impossible, and mostly, loving myself was impossible.

300 days of fighting for my freedom from this eating disorder later, and I can truly say that those things have not only become possible, but they’ve become my reality.

Obviously, you know by reading my posts, that not everyday is a happy reality and not everyday is easy.

I actually think it’s safe to say that there are more hard days than easy days. But without suffering and without hardship, there is no growth.

So here is to all of us fighters-not just those with eating disorders, who are learning to grow through our pain.

Here is to 300 days—and let me repeat, 300 DAYS, of believing in myself enough, that even on my hardest days, I never turned back to Ed.

Here is to 300 days of you all believing in me enough to never stop supporting me, even on the days that I didn’t know how to support myself.

Here is to the beauty of human kind, to the love of strangers who have now become friends through this blog and to the strength in numbers that we all get from supporting one another.

Here is to the last 65 days that we have to journey, grow and learn from one another.

Here is to the next 65 days to finding our paths to self acceptance, self love and self compassion.

If you’re reading this blog post right now,thank you for being a part of my journey.

300 days of fighting for freedom from Ed.

300 days of defeating what I once thought was impossible.

I don’t know what else to say. 300 days guys. Impossible no longer exists.

Hello life. 

Day 251: Chocolate Cake For Breakfast

Hi everyone,

I was feeling really sick last  night and today, so don’t ask me why I had chocolate fudge cake both meals in a row.

I didn’t even want it, I couldn’t even really taste it because I am sick, yet this morning, it was my breakfast.

Now, I’ve been thinking about this scenario in my head all day so I am going to try to break it down for myself.

Part 1: Ed’s voice.

When you live with an eating disorder, eating “forbidden” things like cake are not allowed. And if you do eat them, you need to eat all of it, right away, really fast, and then go and somehow “fix” it later.

That’s what happened today with the cake for breakfast.

Ed couldn’t handle it just being in my fridge. Usually, I am OK with unsafe foods being in my house because I am at the point where I can trust myself around them, but today just didn’t flow like that.

So, Ed said if I am going to have this cake in my fridge, I needed to eat it all, right now, standing up,and then not eat the rest of the day to compensate.

And yes, I listened to him about eating the cake. Did it feel good to let him make that decision for me? No. But here is the second part.

Part 2: I really just like cake.

I was craving cake all week, so when I had the chance to order it yesterday, I did.

It was bad timing because I was sick and maybe I should have waited until I could better enjoy it-but nonetheless, I got it.

This is the healthy part of this situation. You like cake, you eat it. No guilt, no over thinking.

It’s one piece of cake-not the entire universe on a platter.

I did let Ed dominate the cake for breakfast situation more than I would have liked.

I don’t regret eating the cake, because like I said, I love cake, but I wish it was more on my terms,’ my way. Maybe sitting down, or maybe on an actual plate or something of that matter.

But at the end of the day, although Ed would like to make me think that this one piece of cake completely morphed my body and that I need to go do some drastic extreme measures of exercising or restricting to fix it, I know he is wrong.

Really, if you think about it, all that happened, was that I had a piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.

No exercising or restricting needs to be followed by that.

What needs to be followed by that is some self compassion and understanding.

Big deal Ed, so I ate chocolate cake for breakfast.

I’ll live on and you one day, will not.

Hello life.