Day 334: This Is How We Celebrate One Month Left

Happy one month left of our one year journey lifers,

Before I start today’s post, I just want to say the Facebook forum will be up soon and I am still figuring out how to do it so I need a few days. But please continue to let me know if you want to be part of it =).

Today marks the official one month count down of our one year journey together.

So, how did I celebrate it?

I had a movie date with my 8-year-old brother, the one who said he would like to switch brains with me so he can have all the right answers in school.

Let me explain something about this little boy to you: not only is he funny, but he is warm, loving, and he loves sweets almost as much as me. So there was no one else I would rather spend this day with other than him.

I would like to say that I am the one who took him out, but he had two free movie tickets, so besides the candy and cookie we ate, he actually treated me.

Before we go to a movie, I always take my brothers to this candy store by the theatre so they can pick whatever they want.

Last time we were at this candy store, I remember exactly what I got: a few sugar free chocolate covered almonds and sugar free jelly beans. They were horrible.

Today, each my brother and I got our own bag, and this time, there was nothing sugar free in mine.

We watched the movie together and laughed together and I just kept thinking to myself how lucky I was that out of all the people in the world, he chose me to go watch it with him.

You know the craziest part? He had no idea that I was celebrating the last month count down of my year without a scale today; no one actually knew.

On our way out to the car, we stopped to get some pastries for a friend, and of course for us too, and he said to me, “Shira, if I could make a rule for the world, it would be that everyone loved pastries.”

And then we both laughed and said we both wish it could be true.

The entire way home, we talked about funny lines that we remembered from the movie, and we talked about how the boys bathroom in his school are not as nice as the girls bathroom (he says he only knows this because a girl, who he made very clear to me is not his girlfriend, told him the girls bathroom is nicer).

This is what I am celebrating today.

I am celebrating the world of loving pastries being a rule.

I am celebrating the world of sharing movie lines in the car.

I am celebrating the world where the fact that the boys bathroom is not as nice as the girls bathroom is a major issue.

I am celebrating the world where the girl you talk about when your 8 years old, is a girl, but make bi mistake, but she is not your girlfriend.

I am celebrating the world of things that really matter in life: the small, innocent, touching moments that no number on a scale and no job and no fancy title could ever give you.

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate my one month count down.

Hello life.

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Day 306: The Power Of Good Company and Chocolate

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry for writing this post so late, but the truth is, that before now, I really didn’t have anything to write about.

I had one of those days where I was stressed out with work and people around me were just really annoying me, and basically just a typical day of stress.

And I think I’ve complained enough this week on my blog about me not finding a job, and being stressed out with school, etc., and I just didn’t feel like complaining about it even more.

Sometimes it helps to write about things that bother me, but other times, it gives them more power, and so for that reason, I didn’t want to write about them today, and I also was just sick of my own complaining.

I was going to stay home tonight, but my best friend came to my rescue and invited me for dinner.

Some awesome food , delicious chocolate covered almonds, chocolate bars and vanilla tea later, I sit here a happy camper again.

The power that some good company and chocolate can have on a person never cease to amaze me, especially when they are more powerful than Ed.

I saw this picture and it reminded me of myself tonight, just happily eating my chocolate and drinking my tea with my friends.

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That picture pretty much sums up my night.

I am that happy satisfied little bear right now, simply enjoying life’s pleasures.

Hello life.

Day 45: The Official End Of Food Rules

Good morning everyone,

Today is a huge day and happy day for me, as it marking the official end of food rules.

About two weeks ago, I wrote about how when I first started recovery, E had me make a list of food rules in which I lived my life by. A few hours later, I was sitting with 7 whole pages of food rules in my lap.

Even though I have slowly been breaking food rules every day, up until today, I have found comfort in keeping those 7 pages right next to me in my night stand. I even wrote in one post that those food rules were almost a final piece of of my eating disorder that I was holding on to.

Those foods rules were what I lived my life by for two years. It was how Ed was able to control my world, it was how he kept me in his choke hold.

Every time I would try to step outside the suffocating and worthless life that Ed had made for me, Ed would use those food rules to pull me back in.

Whether it was lunch at work, dinner with family, a day with my younger brothers-those foods rules are what showed me how to handle it all.

But, I have gone 45 days now without even glancing at those 7 pages of foods rules, and yesterday I had a breakthrough moment.

I had worked out, and needed to go to school. I knew I needed to eat lunch. No one was around me. No one would have known what I did. I could have skipped lunch, just how Ed was telling me to do.

But I didn’t listen to Ed yesterday-I challenged him, I disobeyed him, and I won every single round in our boxing ring. I did eat that lunch-and not because it’s on my meal plan, not because its the “right” thing to do, but because I wanted to for me.

In that moment, I realized that I don’t need my food rules anymore.

I don’t need my food rules to tell me how to navigate my life, or how to live. Abiding by those food rules were one of the last ways that I was giving Ed control, and today that control ends.

E (my therapist) does not know it yet, but I am going to bring her my 7 pages of foods rules this morning, and I am going to shred them into tiny little pieces.

Day 45 will always be known as the official end of food rules.

I can’t wait to go in that office and shred those papers. I can see now that I do not deserve to live a life bound by rules and restrictions-a life bound by Ed.

I feel that at one point, I needed those rules to define who I was-I needed Ed to tell me who I was.

I am not saying I know every aspect of who I am as a person yet, but I do know enough about myself now and my strength, to say that I do not need those rules anymore to tell me what is good or bad for me, and I don’t need Ed to define me either.

I feel so relieved that those 7 pages of food rules that I wrote so many months ago, are no longer going to be haunting me in my night stand every day. They will no longer tell me how to live-only I, Shira, can tell myself that.

I am feeling strong today. I am feeling free today.

Good bye food rules, and “hello life.”