Good morning everyone,
If it didn’t sound crazy enough to you already that I gave my eating disorder a name, (Ed), now I am going to tell you all how I talk with him on a daily basis.
During these past few days, and especially yesterday, I have found myself talking with Ed and having conversations with him all throughout the day. And before I begin to explain what our conversations look like, I just want to take a moment to share with you how amazing it feels for me to actually be able to distinguish between my voice and Ed’s voice.
There were times when I was so controlled by Ed, that I did not know what my voice even was. If I thought that eating food would make me fat, I truly thought those were my own thoughts. But now, I can see that Ed was the one telling me those unhealthy thoughts. It was many times still is Ed, not me, who says that I need a number on a scale to determine my self worth.
However, there are plenty of moments throughout my day where I do confuse Ed’s thoughts with my own thoughts and where I let Ed tell me what to think. But I feel happy for those few moments where I can take a step back and realize that those negative thoughts are Ed speaking, not me.
I can remember a few times yesterday where I had to talk with Ed and literally shut him up. The first time came after I finished eating breakfast. When I was done eating, I was craving something sweet, so I had some grapes and a piece of chocolate. Already, Ed was telling me that I had deviated from my “healthy” meal plan and that I should stop eating. But I was not satisfied with one tiny chocolate; I wanted another one. So, I had another one, and even one more after that along with a piece of delicious raisin bread.
Once I felt that I had satisfied my sweet tooth, Ed told me that I had ruined my entire day by eating so much chocolate and sweets and that I should just binge to make it complete. I remember sitting down and saying out loud, “Ed, you are not going to make me feel bad about enjoying my food and you will not make me binge and you will not make me restrict calories for eating foods I was craving.”
Yes, you might think this whole idea of me talking to my eating disorder is a little bit outside the norm,but it works for me, and that’s what matters.
Later in the evening, I had an argument with someone close to me, and Ed told me that by restricting my food for the rest of the day, that it would solve my feelings of being hurt and disappointed.
I won’t lie to you, for about an hour I was fantasizing about how great that restriction would feel and about how it would just diminish all my problems at that moment. But as I sat down to dinner, I was able to take a step back and realize that not eating would not change my feelings that were hurt that night and it would not solve my problem. It actually would make me feel bad about myself for letting Ed win.
So as I sat down to order my food, I silently told Ed, “Ed, you will not ruin this dinner for me and I know that you will not solve my issues of feeling hurt, so I going to eat and be good to myself.”
And I did. I ate dinner and I shut Ed the hell up.
Even though it can feel draining and annoying to have to talk to Ed all day, I am happy that we are both speaking with each other now.
Two weeks ago, Ed was the only one talking. He would talk and talk and talk to me all day and all night long. And I would never talk back, I would just listen and obey.
Now, I am talking back to Ed.
Yes, we might argue back and forth and he might make me feel like I am wrong, but in the end, I get the final word.
Today, I want to start my morning by being the first one to initiate conversation with Ed.
I am going to wake him up and tell him that I am proud of myself that I have gone yet another morning without weighing myself.
I am going to tell him that he is slowly losing his power over me and that I am in the drivers seat now, not him.
I am going to stand tall and strong and tell him as loudly as I can, that today, I am in charge.
And when I am done telling all of this to Ed, I am going to pick my head up high and tell myself, “hello life.”