Happy Wednesday fighters,
Today I am officially in the second trimester of my pregnancy, which is so exciting! I swear I literally woke up one day with this beautiful baby bump.
I didn’t think I would show this much this early, and to be honest, despite the quiet whispers of Ed in my head every now and then, I love this beautiful, beautiful bump. I love showing it off because it’s the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to my body. And I think it’s good to remind myself of that.
So last week I wrote about my shopping trip at Trader Joes and how for the first time I really let myself browse and get foods that just sounded good to me. I didn’t care as much about the nutrition label, but more of what sounded good.
I know at the end of my blog I wrote about how I wasn’t sure if I was as honest with myself about my freedom in my recovery prior to getting pregnant as I thought I was being.
I thought about that a lot of this week.
Here is my conclusion:
At the time, before I got pregnant, I was honest with myself. In my eyes, I was living in the most freedom I had ever lived in.
It is only now that I became pregnant, that my eyes have opened to something new.
I think at first I didn’t want to admit that because it was scary to me to think that I had so much left in my recovery to learn, but I am not scared anymore.
I always knew my journey would be a forever one.
This is what I observed this week:
Since I became pregnant, I have:
Allowed myself to choose foods that just sound good to me. I have not looked at the calories of them either, which is unheard of for me, even in the best times of my recovery.
I have not measured my cereal in the morning or my milk, which was something I was doing up until I got pregnant. I still do, however, measure my coffee creamer, I will admit that, otherwise I swear I will pour in the whole bottle (work in progress, right).
I got a soft taco for the first time ever at Taco Time, instead of the Salad I have always gotten there since I moved to Washington. And I didn’t look at the calories.
I ordered a veggie sandwich with mayo. With mayo! Again, totally new for me.
I haven’t been measuring food when I put it on my plate for dinner.
All of these moments have been compromised of so much freedom for me, yet I have questioned myself a lot this week as to why did I wait to explore this area of freedom until I got pregnant?
With all my heart, I don’t believe that I was denying myself anything prior to getting pregnant.
It reminded me of when I was 19 years old and I went to Guatemala on a volunteer mission to help children living in poverty.
I remember the people who ran that program tell us to please not give any gifts to the children, but one of the people in our group had given a child who was wheelchair bound an electric wheelchair instead of the regular one he had.
Of course they meant so well and they had the best of intention.
But the administrator had said, once that chair runs out of batteries and we are back in the states, how will they charge it? The boy will then have to go back to the regular wheelchair, but now he knows that he could have something better and that will devastate him.
Sometimes you don’t know there is something sweeter on the other side until someone shows you.
This kind of reminds me of that.
I didn’t know that there was this kind of freedom in my recovery yet because I hadn’t experienced it yet. I only knew the freedom that I was able to reach prior to pregnancy, if that makes any sense at all.
But now that I have experienced it, similar to the electric wheelchair, I am not sure I can go back now and I don’t really think I want to.
Unfortunately while the boy in the wheelchair might not have had a choice, and had to go back, I do have a choice.
I get to decide to stay here, in this sweeter freedom.
I have mixed emotions about that.
Part of me is excited that I have reached this new point of freedom. It’s the same part of me that is so excited that I am allowing myself the space to test these foods and new boundaries out.
Then there is the other part of me that is really scared of that.
Does that mean I will just eat whatever I want all the time? Does this mean I have lost self control? What does this mean for my body? It’s a lot of the same questions I had in my early recovery.
But I know, that in the deepest of my heart, I can’t go back to how things were before, because now that I know this new freedom exists, I would be doing myself a disservice by going back.
Maybe this is what people mean when they refer to intuitive eating.
I try to remind myself that even with these new experiences, I have always listened to my body, and that is something I am really proud of.
I have only eaten what my body wants and I stop eating when I am full.
I have never binged on anything or restricted anything.
And at the end of the day, I feel satisfied. I feel in tune with myself. I don’t feel out of control at all, not even in the least bit way.
And for the most part, I crave wholesome foods. They are just different foods.
So what is this fear? Why is it here?
The only explanation I can think of is that because like always, it is something new and unknown.
It’s unknown territory to me. Anything unknown can be scary.
But, the best things in my life have come from unknown.
Moving to Washington=unknown. Result= met my husband, fell in love.
Started recovery=unknown. Result= Saved my own life, started a nonprofit to help others worldwide.
And now we add to this list:
Got pregnant/explored new foods= Unknown. Result= Freedom, baby. New freedom.
And that is where I am going to leave this.
I am ready for you, unknown , new freedom. Old freedom has left and now you have arrived.
Maybe you are something I have deserved for a while.
You might be unknown, but I think I can handle you.
More than that, I appreciate the happiness you bring me and the sense of adventure you bring me.
I am not saying you don’t scare me sometimes, because you do, but I can’t go back now to the old version I thought you were.
Freedom 2.0…here we come.