Happy 4 years beautiful fighterss ❤
Four years ago today I smashed my scale for the world to see. I remember sitting at home writing my final blog post of a year without a scale thinking that I knew everything there was to know about recovery.
I knew I wasn’t a number. I had learned to nourish my body with food again. I had experienced what freedom from all those eating disorder thoughts felt like. That was recovery, and I, in every sense, was a pro at it.
Four years later, and I remain truthful and loyal to the fact that I am not a number . I still have no idea how much I weigh.That being said, I’ve also learned that this journey is so much more than that.
We all have an Ed of some sort. Mine might be about my body image and about striving for perfection. Someone else’s might be about their career, their marriage, their home, their family or sports-we all battle that negative voice that tells us in some way, that we are not enough.
And I’ve learned in these past four years that that voice, at least for me, will always be there.I know how to silence it, and I have the power to do that, but it will always be there. For me, Ed is just not about food or weight or clothes anymore.
Sometimes he tells me I am not doing enough with my nonprofit. Sometimes he tells me I am working too hard or working too much. His need and constant drive for perfection in my life will always be there. And I see now that it is not always going to be centered around food, body or weight.
Sometimes I think that I have spent so much time in the past four years focusing on loving my body and not focusing on numbers that I have forgotten to look at the other part of my recovery: the strive for perfection. Striving for perfection is what leads many of us to addiction in the first place, so it is no surprise that it is still here present in my life. I think it will always be here.
I’ve had a lot of major things happen this year.
I got an amazing job that I never thought I would get. I was so shocked when they offered it to me.
I received Hello Life’s nonprofit official tax-exempt non-profit status which required a 100 page application to the IRS that took me a year to do.
I am planning a beautiful wedding.
Yet somehow, I still find myself thinking that I am not doing enough.
I’ve thought about applying to grad school for a degree in nonprofit management. I’ve done fundraisers for our nonprofit. I’ve told myself I need to start taking grant classes right away to raise money for my nonprofit. I need to grow my nonprofit more.
Every week I am thinking of adding something onto my plate. I feel like I am always in this constant race with myself to add more, to do more, to accomplish more, to be more.
That is the part of recovery that has been the hardest for me this year.
I have spent the past three months really focusing on this part of my journey. I knew that I could not keep living like that because it would take over me. It was not good self care.
I’ve now made a timeline for when I would like to do all those things I have listed above and I’ve also told myself that if they don’t happen how I plan, that is OK too. I decided that they for sure, are not happening anytime before I get married.
But I literally had to write down and carve out this remaining year to be dedicated to my new job and to my wedding. That was really hard for me to do. In some ways, I felt like I was failing.
Ever since I was a teenager working, going to school and volunteering, I have always prided myself on being super human.
For the past year I’ve prided myself on my new job, and how I am able to run my own nonprofit, and run my support groups, and have these huge dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of myself for all of that. But I had to take a step back and see that I was using all of that to still define me.
It wasn’t a number on a scale; no. But it was a job title. It was a founder of a nonprofit title. It was a status.
I don’t want to judge myself on these titles anymore. Because I am no better than the person sitting next to me who has a different title.
I don’t want to pride myself on being super-human anymore, because a lot of the time that impedes on my self-care.
I will always be a go-getter and I will always be doing something of big magnatude to help people because that’s who I am. And I love that about myself.
But during this part of my recovery journey I am really trying to not focus on the body itself and focus on loving myself even if I am not super-human.
I want to make it so that if I lost my job, my nonprofit and everything I worked for tomorrow, that I would still love myself fiercely anyway-and right now, I am not there yet.
But I am dedicated to getting there.
I’ve scaled back on board meetings, I’ve started meal prepping meals on Sunday’s so I can have food ready when I come home and not have to cook a whole hour meal after a long day at work. Are they gourmet meals like I was making before? No. No they are not and while that has been hard, it’s been freeing.
I’ve had to scale back on a lot of things with my nonprofit so I can focus on enjoying to plan my wedding and so I can focus on spending time with my amazing fiancé.
I’ve learned to leave the dishes in the sink overnight.
I’ve learned to let my fiancé help me with dishes and laundry, which by far has been the hardest part of all because I used to love being able to say I can do this all on my own.
But I guess that is my point.
This stage of my recovery journey, I have learned that I can’t do this on my own. And that is not just limited to recovery.
That means life.
I cannot be super-human on my own. Even just admitting that was such a hard thing to write, but I feel so much more free already.
I don’t have to be super-human.
I can’t say I don’t want to be because I totally do-but I am learning that it is OK to not be.
Four years later and I am still not a number. I am not a size. I am not a job title. And now, I am learning that I am not super-human. And that is OK.
Being able to write that one sentence alone is such a big recovery victory and life victory-that I am gong to leave this blog at that.
Year four is dedicated to all of us who have the right to love ourselves on our best day, our worst days and our non-super human days.
Non-super human lifers, this is for us.