The first fight of 2016

Hello beautiful fighters,

It’s the second day of 2016. Only the second day. And  here I am, already being thrown into my fight recovery fight of 2016.

I was getting my nails done today by the same person who has done them for almost two years now. I was getting ready to leave when out of no where she said, “I remember when you used to be small like me, but now your bigger.”

There it was. My biggest recovery fear just came to life.

The “now your bigger” comment.

I could feel my eyes getting watery and the tears starting to come so I paid and rushed out of there to my car as fast as I could.

I sat there in my car in the parking lot for at least 20 minutes just crying trying to understand what was going on.

I knew that I was not crying over the “now your bigger” comment because I already know that.

I’ve come to terms with that, and for the most part, 7 out of 10 days, I am ok with that.

I know I am bigger.

I know it from my clothes. Since I don’t weigh myself anymore (Jan.21 will mark three years of no scale).

And I know it because I fell in love this year. And in the middle of my falling in love we went to eat and drink and have fun and in the midst of my happiness, my clothes just got tighter. It’s just what beautifully happened.  And usually I am ok with that.

But just because I know that I am bigger now than ever before, doesn’t make it easier to accept.

At the end of the day, while I am the strongest fighter I know, my gloves are not retired.

I have not yet stepped out of the ring with Ed and I don’t think I ever will. He and his negative comments continue to challenge me to fights pretty much on a daily basis.

Every time we enter that fight, I slip my gloves back on and I go. I go into defense mode. Some days my gloves are tired, some days they slip off my hands and on some days I just let them hang down by my waist waiting for an open shot.

I can’t be the hero every single time because I am human and I am allowed to have weak moments-and that’s one of the greatest gifts my recovery has taught me.

But most days, like today, my gloves are high up, guarding my face, guarding my soul and  guarding my self esteem. With every punch my gloves throw , they challenge those negative thoughts with thoughts of healthy, strong, happy and alive.

Usually, I can either win the round or at least call it a tie.

I am used to that fight.

The fight used to be learning to nourish myself again. It used to be learning how to walk in the unknown and learning how to re-learn who I was without my scale and without Ed.

Now the fight has shifted to protecting the person my recovery has allowed me to become from the negative self talk and negative thoughts that Ed still whispers to me on a daily basis.

I will do anything to protect that person. I will never allow myself to lose her.

But fighting in my head is one thing; I am equipped for that.

But when you hear your most criticized comments that you say to yourself or that Ed says to you in your head day in and day out said out loud by another person-nothing prepares you for that kind of fight.

How do you react? What do you say? What do you say when your biggest insecurity and fear was just said out loud to you by someone else other than you?

That was where I was at this morning.

I sat in my car crying because I truly didn’t know how to react or how to feel. I posted right away in my online support group with other fighters and texted my best friend.

“Immediate self care-reach out to safety,” is what I thought to do.

Through their words of wisdom, support and love, I began to feel ok.

I realized that I am not going to die from this sadness, although I swear with everything I had that my heart felt like that in that moment-but I am not going to die and I am ok.

I realized that while I am shocked and sad and crying over this loud insecurity of mine that was just so blasted in my face, that in a way, its humbling.

Sometimes I think the universe has a way of reminding us where we came from; it has a way of reminding us how to feel the fears of others, how to feel the pain and heaviness of others that we are guiding so we are truly in sync with their fight, with their pain and with their journey.

 

And maybe that’s why today happened the way it did.

Lately I have been mentoring a special fighter in recovery and she will often tell me that no matter how much support she has, she  still feels alone.

“But you have me, I am right here,”I tell her.

Today, I understood what she meant.

It didn’t matter if I had all the support in the universe, in that moment after the nail salon, I felt so alone; alone in my thoughts of chaos , sadness and questions.

“Why did this person say that? And why do I even care? Why am I letting this bother me so far into my recovery? Do I really look that big?”…the list could go on and on.

Nothing can make you feel not alone with those kinds of thoughts, even though I knew everyone in my group and everyone reading this right now has thought those same thoughts too.

In that moment, it is you against every insecurity you have. Just the two of you.

It’s not a Ronda Roussey kind of fight where it’s over in 13 seconds. It’s one you might be going at for a little while longer.

It’s been a little more than two hours since the comment was said to me in the nail salon and I think my round for today has finally ended.

It was a long one.

It was a hard one.

It was a mentally challenging one.

It was one that required a lot of out reach to my safe sources.

It was one that I couldn’t just take a drive and go shopping and take  break and forgot it happened.

But it’s over now.

I stood face to face in the ring with that comment and I gave it everything  I have.

While I felt alone inside the ring, I felt my team of love and support in my corner behind me and I knew if I fell back they would push me right back in.

Now the round has ended and I feel like the ref is raising my right hand in victory.

It’s isn’t a victory because I am leaving the round feeling so great about myself and because I am no longer sad about the “now you are bigger” comment. Because I am . And that’s the real truth-eve though I know the person who said it meant nothing mean by it.

But it’s a victory because I am ok.

It’s a victory because I made it through and my day is not ruined because of it.

I faced it. I felt it. I worked through it. And now, I am moving on to my next round of 2016- and that right there is the kind of strength that recovery gives us.

The kind of strength that lets us love ourselves so much-a self love that we fight so hard for- that we will do whatever it takes to keep that self love protected.

Hello life.

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “The first fight of 2016

  1. Such a powerful post- and oh my three years without a scale! I have been following your journey since that time and the strength and wisdom you have shown throughout this time is incredibly impressive.You are an inspiration.

    • Thank you so much. That means so much to me and your comment made me smile so much, It came into my email just at the right time. ❤ Thank you for your words of strength and for being on this journey with me this whole time!

      Love,
      Shira

  2. You are my wonderful,thoughtful,giving,loving fighter. In my eyes you’re perfect. I love the way that you can face your demons and come out on the other side. You are special. Keep fighting. 👍😍

  3. I’m so proud of you! I can’t even imagine the kind of fight you had to put up to overcome the negative feelings you felt after this comment, but you did it! You are the most beautiful person and it makes me sad that this comment can make you feel so low. But you are a fighter and you faced your feelings and you faught it off. Remember how great, amazing, and gorgeous you are! I hope you have less and less of this lonely feeling as time goes on in this year and when it does put the gloves up and fight because you are wayyy to strong of a fighter to ever give up and I know for a fact you will reach peace one day because you have never ever given up in your life and I know you won’t now, even when the toughest battle comes your way. I love you and please call me if you want to talk!!! I’m so proud of you for posting this and for doing your best to end the on going undeserving negative thoughts that these words and Ed had on you. I know it’s hard but keep it up xoxoxo

  4. Shira, reading your post really saddened me at first … I felt your pain and I don’t ever want you to suffer. But as I continued to read, I felt your strength and I am so proud of you, of the woman you’ve become. You have to know that you are just so beautiful, inside and out! You have a heart soooo huge and kind and giving. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now and tell you how amazing you are!! Please, just keep on believing in yourself. I believe in you and I’m inspired by you! I love you to death, Shira!!! 👏👏👏💋💋💋

  5. Some things never leave us. You are wise to figure out that despite the fact ED is hiding in the shadows, you have the ability and the tools to fight back. Your example serves to strengthen the other fighters. Bravo to you for allowing yourself to feel the attack and then finding a way to work through it. You are my hero.
    xoxoxoxo
    Mary

  6. Shira, the biggest difference I notice about you in the last year is that you are so much happier! Honestly I don’t even notice your size because of that. I know that’s hard to get your head around…but I find if you look back on any photos from the Ana days there is no sparkle in our eyes, our skin is dead, the smile is fake….then compare to now and it’s like different people. THAT’S what the people who matter notice, not the size of our butts. Also, when moments like this crop up, I love the quote “What Susie says about Sally says more about Susie than Sally” – obviously the woman who felt the need to comment has her own body image issues that she’s struggling with. She probably needs a hug too (and to learn to be nicer or more tactful!). These moments don’t get easier in my experience, but you do get more tools in your fight kit to deal with them, and a happier more robust life to bounce them off. Sending big hugs from the other side of the world mwah xoxoxo

    • Thank you so much Kristy!!! that is so so true about the Susie sentence. A lot of people have asked me if i am mad at the lady who said that comment but I’m not-it wasn’t her fear or insecurity , it was mine, and I am ok with that 🙂 I think too that extra love could be used her way. Thank you for your amazing support and for your daily inspiration ❤

  7. Shira, youre the strongest person i have ever met in my life. Don’t ever give up, i wish i could fight this fight for you but i know thats not how it works, I love you, youre beautiful, and you are special. Remember, there is only one Shira Moskowitz in this world and she is number one. I pray things become easier and i knos with your fighting spirit they will, only a matter of time.

    “Freedom is on the other side of Fear.”

    Every time you step over your fears and conquer them you step right into your freedom. So I wish for you to keep on going past your fears because youll continue to grow and become happy.

    I love you

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