Hello amazing fighters!
I’ve been wanting to write a blog post for a while now and today I finally got the little voice that told me it was time.
This past week’s experiences are definitely worth a blog post.
It truly started on Tuesday when I walked to a local bakery with some of my co-workers for a video we are filming for work. Of course, I knew about this bakery, but they didn’t and they were so excited to check it out.
After shooting the video, I felt like it was polite to buy something. And I was with my co-workers who have never been there before, so why not, right?
Without question, it wasn’t part of my “Tuesday plan.”
I will be the first one to say, that even two years into my recovery and even while being what I think is a pretty strong place in my recovery, I still make some “ed approved plans” for myself every now and then.
And I don’t have to tell you that the bakery pit stop was not part of the plan.
But it happened.
And I’m so glad it did.
My new co-workers and I walked back to work all sharing the different desserts we all got and were laughing and smiling about how good they were.
Ed was there too. But he was drowned out by their laughter and happiness.
With the bakery event behind me Tuesday night, then came my master plan to “jump back on board Wednesday, go to the gym and stick to the plan!.”
Well, Wednesday morning it was raining. And I don’t know why, yet I am sure I am not the only one this happens to, but when its raining, I just want to cuddle in bed and not go to the gym.
So that’s what I did. I slept for an extra two hours and I equated it to self care and left it at that for the day and actually and proudly, I really did win that battle with Ed.
When I came into work that morning though, I was set on “being good today”, especially since there was no gym. But when I walked into my office, another amazing co-worker left me a piece of cake on my desk for helping her out the day before.
“Oh no Shira. That’s really nice she did that and that’s amazing, but just because someone brings it to you, doesn’t mean you have to eat it,” Ed told me.
How many times have we all used that saying. “Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to say yes.”
Well, in same cases, yes, that’s true. But in this case, I say it wasn’t true.
This amazing lady brought me a cake that she specifically looked for because she heard me say a month ago that I liked it: it does indeed fit the criteria for needing and deserving to eat it.
This was my plan : Share it with co-workers so they can enjoy it too and then also, not have it all for myself.
Some may see that as Ed talking, but I see it as really balanced act of self care.
So, the sharing of the cake happened, and again, it was an amazing experience amongst new co-workers and friends.
I ran my in-person support group that day and shared my experience . I was not alone.
Today, Thursday, the residents at the shelter I work at made cupcakes–amazing, professional looking, homemade cupcakes with real caramel and chocolate and frosting.
Plan alert: not on the plan. I was aware of this.
But there I was, in the middle of this dilemma between Ed and I.
Do I enjoy the cupcakes and the beauty in the fact that this talented woman made them and wants to share them with us ? Or do I not?
I decided to go for the cupcakes.
I had one. And then some frosting. And then I took one home.
I kept wondering if anyone else had done that or if this was normal.
The recovery part of me said it was-the human part of me was not sure.
But then, this happened:
Another co-worker told me that she also had two cupcakes and another posted on Facebook that she even had two or three. It was a lighthearted post but little did she know, it turned my night around.
Turns out, I’m not the only person to eat more than one cupcake and it looks to be pretty normal.
As I was sitting here at home tonight thinking about the cupcakes and trying to love myself through it and not make any kind of other “plans” for tonight or tomorrow (which I have not and will not), I was thinking about all of us who fight this battle with our eating disorders daily.
I was thinking of the hundreds of thousands of us who live our lives with this constant voice in our heads, yet we somehow rise above, we persevere and we learn to see the beauty in situations where we don’t always have the pleasure of our minds being left alone in peace, like eating a cupcake.
As I am writing this, I thought to myself, ” Wow Shira, for someone who is in a good place in recovery for two years now and helps mentor others, you really do battle Ed a lot.”
To be honest, I am kind of shocked with the reality check of how much I still battle Ed, even two years later.
At the same time, I have also never felt so proud of myself.
I still battle Ed and yet here I am still overcoming him every single day.
Yes, he was there in all those situations this week, but he did not win.
Two years ago, I wouldn’t even have walked into the bakery.
Two years ago, I would’t even have been physically capable of helping another co-worker out because I wouldn’t even have been able to focus throughout the day to make it to that point.
Two years ago, I never would have enjoyed experiences like this with co-workers.
I write this post to remind all of us who fight this battle everyday, that there is beauty and victories, even in our gray or dark moments.
And to remind us that in a crazy way, feeling like we are crazy because we have to fight this constant voice in our heads daily, is actually not crazy at all: it’s us fighting our battle and fighting for our right to love ourselves.
I know that it’s been a while since I last blogged and I know that I don’t blog often, but I never forget where my recovery journey began.
It began right here, on this blog, with you all by my side every single day for a year.
This blog continues to be my recovery home base because I know that no matter how much time has passed, I am amongst other fighters and beautiful souls around the world who will always support me. For that, I thank you with all my heart.
For all of us who continue to fight this battle every single day, this one is for us: hello life.