Happy Thursday beautiful fighters,
I came across this photo today.
It’s a picture of my three little brothers that I took three years ago today. I had taken them out for a fun day of lunch and bowling.
Do you see that cup of coffee to the right hand corner on the table? That was my lunch that day–my lunch and breakfast actually.
I remember that day because I specifically remember every single Ed thought that I had that day. I even remember the jeans that I wore. (I remember because I chose them because they were my baggiest pair).
It was a Sunday so that meant that I was going to my then-boyfriend’s mom’s house for dinner that night. How was I possibly going to go out to a lunch and to a dinner? I remember not knowing how it would be possible to do both.
But I wasn’t going to give up my time with my brothers, either.
So, this was my solution: coffee all day and that’s it. I remember us sitting at that lunch table and I remember all I could think about was the food. I had one tortilla chip and I broke it into several tiny pieces so it would last me as long as it could.
I don’t remember any of the converastions I had with my brothers at that lunch and I don’t remember what we laughed about. But I remember what each of them ordered because I remember wishing I wanted a bite of it so badly.
I remember every ounce of my time being consumed by Ed and that’s what made me so sad today when I saw this photo.
It reminded me of the heavy and overwhelming thoughts I carried around with me for years when I was suffering from my eating disorder.
It reminded me of the thousands of moments that Ed took from me.
It reminded me of the kind of role model I was for my brothers at the time: the sister who didn’t eat.
My heart has felt broken all day thinking back on that day and the many days I had like it with them and with others.
But at the same time, this photo gave me a chance to appreciate where I am now.
Recovery ebbs and flows, and lately, I haven’t been in the happiest place with what I look like, and while I know it will pass, I needed to be reminded today of how far I’ve come and why I choose to live in recovery.
I would rather spend every single day for the rest of my life fighting to learn to love my new healthy self than spend another second back at that lunch table being a prisoner of Ed.
I don’t want to go into the past two years of recovery and how I got here because I’ve told that story already through this blog over the past two years. That’s not what this post is about.
This post is about remembering where we used to be and never forgetting it.
I feel like sometimes it can be easy to forget where we used to be and focus so much on where we are now. Focusing on where we are is great because it shows we are present- but without remembering the pain of where we once were, we forget how special our recovery is.
It’s also a reminder of the pain and suffering other people who are suffering from an eating disorder are going through right now at this exact moment. If you are one of them, please know that you are not alone in that pain.
For me, this picture will always speak emotions of sadness.
It will forever be the day that I was so stuck in my eating disorder that I don’t even remember what I talked about with my three little brothers.
And it will forever serve as a reminder of how far I’ve come and where I never want to be again.
But to put things in perspective, all five of my siblings were visiting me in Washington two weeks ago, and not only do I remember every single tiny thing each one of them ever said, but we all went out to dinner at a steak house to celebrate Hello Life’s second birthday.
We all got steak, including me.
And we all got dessert, definitely including me.
And coffee was no where to be found.