Happy 2015 lifers,
It all started last Sunday when I wanted Thai food and I had no one to go with me.
I didn’t want to get take out and have it cold when I got home.
I saw a Thai food restaurant and was thinking that I should just go inside by myself, sit down at a table and take myself out to dinner.
Um…just take myself out to dinner? alone?
It’s something I have not done before.
I’ve cooked for myself before, but I’ve never gone and sat down into a restaurant alone and ate.
Never, ever. A lot in part because I know Ed would take a seat right next to me and learning how to entertain him as a dinner guest is something that needs to be planned and well prepared.
Taking yourself out to eat alone at a restaurant is the most mindful act possible. It’s being mindful that you are taking yourself out to eat, and being OK with that and it’s the act of being mindful of what you are eating and how it tastes.
There’s no one there to talk with you as your eating to be a distraction and theres’ no TV in front of your face either.
It’s pure mindfulness.
And for someone in recovery for an eating disorder, it’s a lot to take on because that mindfulness will battle Ed in our mind the moment we even drive in the car to the restaurant.
So I decided last Sunday that I wasn’t ready that night to go do it, but I knew that I wanted to make sure I would do it soon, so I made it my new year resolution.
I wanted to give myself the time to prepare to take on this challenge.
Even if it means letting Ed come along with me, I actually would rather do that and show him I can do it in front of his face.
Sure, he will tell me that everyone there is looking at me wondering why I am ordering all this food for just me. Yup, he will definitely say that. He already did say it and I didn’t even go yet.
And he will tell me it was enough to just take a few bits and leave.
But that’s ok with me because I’m stronger than him now.
I don’t want to do this challenge only as an act of eating; but as an act of self-love.
I so deserve to be able to take myself out to eat, even in the face of Ed.
I deserve to do able to sit in peace or discomfort, whichever it brings me, and walk myself through it and eat what my body is craving.
So that settles it.
For 2015, I am going to take myself out to eat a restaruant, alone.
I am going to think about the kind of food I want that night and pick a place carefully.
I want to put as much thought into it as I would if I was taking my boyfriend out on a fancy date because instead, I will be my own date and that deserves major planning.
I was talking to the fighters in the support group about this and a few of them also wanted to take on the challenge. So another fighter in New York and I have decided to do the challenge together on the same day.
This way, while we will each be taking ourselves out to eat alone, we will really not be alone because we will be doing this together.
We will be going through the feelings of anxiety together and the discomfort together, and most importantly, we will be feeling victorious together once we are done.
If there is anyone else reading this who would like to join us, we have chosen Sunday, Jan.11 as our day.
I don’t think we will put a time on it because what if I want dinner and our other fighter wants breakfast? I like the idea of leaving that open so we have the freedom to customize it how we want to.
Anyone else who wants to join, just please contact me through the contact me tab and let me know and I will make sure we all have the support we need as we take this on together.
As far as the rest of 2015 goes, I only know this: I will continue to live life loving others without judgement and I will continue to remind myself that that love is deserved for myself too.
I also hope this is the year Hello Life can become a nonprofit and start reaching others so other fighters can have the support and love they need.
20 days after 2013 I started this blog and gave up my scale.
Never in all my dreams would I have thought it would have led me to almost two years of being scale free and in recovery from my eating disorder. Never would I have thought that it would bring so many beautiful souls into my life.
This Jan. 21 will mark two years without a scale and in recovery. I cannot wait to celebrate with you all and I cannot wait to tell you how my dining experience alone will go.
I know that everyone reading this blog has felt the same pain, anger, darkness and imprisonment from Ed this last year that I did.
But I also know, that so many of us have also felt our power and our freedom come back into our lives by kicking Ed’s ass and learning to love and be kind to ourselves. Here is only a few of the amazing things our fighters did in 2014:
To our 15-year-old fighter in New York who just left inpatient treatment and is on his way back to school and freedom, hello life.
To our fighter in Canada who ripped up her sick clothes, hello life.
To our fighter in London who literally saved her own life by sticking to her recovery and using all the support around her and who is blossoming in every way, hello life.
To our fighter in Kansas who continues to love others even though her heart has been hurting this year, who put real cheese on her veggies and who might possibly give up her own scale this year, hello life.
To our fighter in New Jersey who continues to love her family and has been scale free for 9 months, hello life.
To our fighter in Pennsylvania who has has continued to live with an open heart and push for recovery while being a mother and a wife day in and day out, hello life.
To our fighter in the United Kingdom who celebrated her 21st birthday this year, hello life.
To our fighter in France who ate a lemon pie, her favorite dessert, on her own, hello life.
To our fighter in Oregon who just had a healthy baby girl,hello life.
To our fighter in Canada who just made an entire vegan meal tonight and who continues to love herself, care for herself and live in the world of recovery even though life has not been the easiest on you lately, hello life.
To the 600 people wearing Hello Life bracelets around the world, hello life.
To our 13-year-old fighter in Tennessee who enjoyed ice cream with her friend this summer, hello life.
To the many fighters who have told me this blog saved their lives…little did you know your support and love has saved mine.
May we continue to fight together for our right to love ourselves and live in freedom not just in 2015, but for as long as it takes.