Today was busy for me and it was filled with me making a lot of plans for my weekend; plans that are social, and plans that are around food and people.
These people I made plans with don’t know about Ed, or about my blog, or anything other than what they’ve seen with their eyes in Washington (which is not anything too interpersonal or deep). Oddly enough, it takes me a long time to open up in person.
One of my friends even invited me to go out to dinner tonight but I just felt I was not ready for that big change right now.
I am used to going out to dinner on the weekends, but the week days are usually something I do on my own and it’s almost like I got so used to it that now that I have a chance to change it, I’m not ready–I’m not ready to give up the food control portion and I’m not ready to totally be socially emerged in that yet.
These people don’t know all this. The friend who invited me to dinner tonight doesn’t know I didn’t go because I am not ready to eat out tonight. And part of me is kind of enjoying that part of them not knowing.
Part of me feels like I am playing pretend and acting like all these big social/food events don’t bother me at all, yet at the same token, what if its not pretend?
What if I really am excited about these events (which I am), what if I really am excited about the food (which I am?), what if it’s worth letting lose a little bit? (Which I think it is ).
Maybe this is how living in recovery really is? Maybe it’s not always pretend?
I am not even sure yet if I am still playing the part of that “normal” girl I think these people want to see, or if some part of me is actually a little bit more “normalized” or less “Ed controlled” than I thought.
It didn’t feel good to not go to dinner because of Ed reasons, but that’s ok. No one said I have to take a 10 huge steps every single day.
And no one said I have to even really know if I am playing a roll or if this really is me-all I have to know is that I am excited and enjoying it.
I guess I don’t have a word today-just a regular post where I need to write out my thoughts.
I think when I moved here, and even many times even before that, I really used the tool “fake it till you make it.” It worked for me. It helped me get out of Ed’s world when he so badly wanted me to stay there.
It helped me pretend I was living in a world of freedom even on the days that I wasn’t, and it gave me hope for them to be real. At first I had one real day, and then two, and then more.
Maybe now those real days have just become more frequent? Maybe they’ve really become my new reality?
Maybe this is the part of fake it till you make it where I am actually making it.