I’ve been trying to think of the right positive optimistic words to write here all day.
I feel like so many of my posts in the past three months since moving have been on the sad side (with a few exceptions of course), and I so desperately want to give you something new and refreshing to read .
But if I did that tonight, I would kind of be lying.
I say kind of, because I am not so sad or devastated or something extreme like that, but really, I’m just having a hard few weeks here in Washington.
Sometimes people tell us to take new adventures day by day, and usually, I do that myself.
But I am starting to think that my journey in Washington needs to be looked at from a bigger telescope perspective than a tiny day by day perspective.
Day by day, things are challenging, emotionally draining yet also rewarding, new, different, and often times, lonesome.
Day by day, I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life in Los Angeles—really, really, really miss it.
But if I take a step back and see this entire experience from a telescope view, I see how much I am learning, growing and how much I will learn and continue to grow.
It’s kind of like each day is a tiny star in the sky.
If I look at each star individually, I see only the excessive heat it gives off and see how bright it shines or how it’s about ready to die out. That star can look like it’s own planet if it’s all I look at.
But if I look through my telescope, all those stars are just part of the big night sky, simply existing.
And that’s what I think I need to start doing here, otherwise, my stars will literally burn out very fast, as I feel like they already are.
There are many stars in my life right now: a star for my new career, a star for the new people in this town, a star for moving to Washington, a star for my recovery, a star for my old friends, a star for my family, a star for fun, a star for validation and a star for faith.
So many stars that all keep getting hotter and hotter and hotter the more closely I look at them.
I really don’t’ know how this journey will take me.
I usually try to figure out everything and what lessons each journey will teach me. But I am realizing I just can’t do that right now.
It would mean focusing all my energy on yet another sole star.
Maybe part of me being here is learning how to be alone.
While the human part of me doesn’t think that’s fair and almost cruel, I know that when I look through my telescope in one year, it will have taught me something.
I like this telescope method. It’s a different method than what I’ve used before when I’ve taken things day by day.
Of course this whole journey is a day by day, even minute by minute adventure, as is recovery and almost any other challenge in life, but those days are the building blocks to how I’ll see my whole universe from my telescope in time.
Star wise, I am flying solo in the sky right now slowly burning out, wishing someone will see, make a wish and let this hardship transform into some easy journey as a piece of dust in the sky.
But fighter wise, and Shira-wise, I don’t give up when things get hard. And wow, are things hard right now.
So my little star will have to just keep shinning until it finds its place in the beautiful quiet universe that I’ll see through my telescope in one year.
I will just keep imagining what I will see through my telescope lens.
Some people fake it till they make it, others put on masks to hide true feelings, and as for me- I’m going to imagine and imagine hard the beauty I will one day see from this difficult path I am currently on.