Today’s word is validation and today is also a day that I could not make everyone happy.
Part of me was so happy today, because a few months ago I had written a story about a women’s shelter needing donations so they could move to a bigger and better location for its victims.
Today I went to their open house of their new facility and they had donated a star on their wall of stars for me.
Everyone who made a donation got a star on the wall. It almost made me cry I was so touched and grateful for their appreciation.
Later , things when I faced by people who were upset at me for a story I wrote, that while didn’t necessarily portray my beliefs, it portrayed the truth about that situation I was reporting on.
I can’t make people understand my job, my responsibility to be unbiased and my responsibility to leave my own opinions out of things I report on.
To see people so clearly not understand that and be on the other end of not appreciating my work is a feeling I can’t explain.
It feels chaotic.
It’s like a second kind of Ed, but he’s not telling me about food, he’s telling me to try to please every single person and thing I encounter and I just can’t do it.
Some days I can’t even please myself in all areas of my life. Ok, well, let’s be honest, most days it’s really only Ed that I mostly don’t please myself.
Part of learning to be mindful is going to have to mean I learn how to find new validations for myself.
Today, between the people mad at me, my bosses at work who expect 12 hour shifts and 5 stories a day, the people at the gym who I feel I disappoint if I don’t show up, myself, Ed and then the few cheer leaders for me like my family and like the people at the shelter today, I find myself needing to figure out my own validation for myself.
Right now, my validation of myself rest within the opinion of others.
If the shelter donated a star for me, I was a good person.
If someone else got mad at me about a story, now I am a bad reporter.
If I eat healthy, I am good. If I don’t, I am deemed bad by Ed.
I so urge and long and thirst to just put these people aside and see me through my own eyes.
The question is, I don’t even know where to begin to do that.Or how to do that.
I did it before in my recovery. But being here in a new place and new career, I’ve put a lot of power in other people’s hands-power in my reader’s hands and power in my bosses hands-power in friends and families hands (which don’t get me wrong has been my saving grace because they remind me I am doing something great).
But where do I come in?
How do we begin to get a sense of how we’re doing and how we’re progressing when we stop letting others determine that for us?
Not our recovery teams-not our bosses-not our friends or family-but us.
I want to sit here and be able to say that I think I am doing good because I think so and that’s it-not because someone told me I did good, not because I got a star on a wall and not because someone told me I did a good story.
Then again, as humans, don’t we all feed off that validation?
I don’t have answers tonight. I just have a goal: I want to take my power back from others and learn to validate myself again through my own perception and own eyes.
I’m not sure how to do it over here, but like every other challenge I’ve tackled along this journey, I always somehow find a way–even if it takes multiple tries, attempts and efforts.
Tomorrow I am going to wake up and live that day for me.
I will find one thing tomorrow that makes me feel good about myself that comes totally 100% internally from me and not from the validation of anyone else.
I don’t know what it will be yet, but I will find something because I know I am deserving of being validated by no else other than the most important person of all: me.
Until tomorrow, hello life.