More or less, the majority of my day was lonely today, with a few exceptions in the beginning of my day.
Whenever I feel alone here, it’s always a hard day.
I get sad, I start thinking about my old life back in L.A. and then I start criticizing myself over everything.
While I was sad a lot today, I really pushed myself to try to do things I normally wouldn’t do to try to get some good energy in my day.
For example, I did a yoga video at home.
I never do yoga. I usually try to do it and start laughing at the guy telling me to focus on my breathing.
But I really did do it today. I actually felt so relaxed after that I fell asleep.
I also tried to cook dinner-something I also also never do because I am so tried after work. I usually do a microwave type thing.
While my dinner was an epic failure, (don’t ask why because I really thought it would be good), the point is that I tried. The microwave lasagna afterwards was just as delicious anyway.
I also am watching a new tv show right now.
I know these sound almost pathetic to the normal day world, but when your feeling sad, its really easy to just sit there and wallow in that and be sad all day. The fact that I pushed myself to try new things is really brave, I think.
Which brings me to today’s word: brave.
I think when we hear the word brave we often times think about someone who is a hero, or someone who jumped in front of a car to save a cat’s life or something along those lines.
We think of young children enduring things they should never have to like surgeries or illnesses. We think of soldiers fighting for our country.
And don’t get me wrong, all those people and acts are the ultimate definition of brave.
But then there’s people like me or maybe like someone else reading this, who force themselves to do yoga when they feel so lonely they just want to cry instead.
That is brave. Why? Because brave people are the ones who do things despite their fears.
I did something despite my sadness. I think it’s safe to say fear and sadness are equivalent, at least I think so.
For someone in recovery for an eating disorder, making dinner, especially alone, and in a day of sadness, is very brave. It’s something new and still unknown.
Coming on this blog and telling you guys, despite my pride, that I was sad today, is brave.
And later, if I decide to give in and shed a few tears, that’s still brave too, because it’s brave to be able to not run from our emotions.
The same amazing friend and blogger who told me to do the word of the day idea also told me about another tool she uses. She takes a word, for example, brave, and sees the synonyms for it.
The synonyms for brave are: (a few of them at least):
My favorite one of those is dashing. I can just imagine me introducing myself to someone and saying “Hi, I’m Shira, and I’m dashing.” (I’m not sure who I would say that to but I really like the way it sounds).
We can still be dashing or confidant or brave even when we don’t feel happy, and I guess that’s the lesson I am taking away from today.
I’m a little sad, but I’m still brave. Brave enough to try yoga, brave enough to try cooking again and brave enough to sit here and write about it.
And for all of you brave enough to be part of this windy and long journey to self love with me…we’re the most dashing people I know.