So I just fell asleep covering a meeting for work that I need to write about. I haven’t been sleeping more than four hours a night for the past week and a half and it’s finally taken it’s toll on me.
I felt it yesterday even when I was writing my blog post-the words I wanted to say were in my mind but I was too exhausted to find a way to formulate them how I wanted to.
So today I need to power down and get one good night of sleep.
But I can’t end this post without a special tribute to my guardian angel-my grandpa who passed away a few years ago. I’ve written about him many times before in the past-and today is his birthday.
I spent all morning before work letting myself cry-and I don’t say that in a sad way, although while I was crying I felt like my heart was in a hundred tiny pieces on the floor.
I am still sad that me and my family have had to learn to live without him. He was our rock.
The me trapped in my eating disorder would have turned that sadness tears today into a crash diet, or into hating what I weighed and needing to restrict to make me feel better, or I would have went and tried on all my clothes in an effort to feel mad or sad at something else that I had control over.
But I didn’t do that today.
I let myself feel my sadness about a situation that I had absolutely no control over.
Emotions are one of the hardest things in recovery because your forced to face feelings you were once able to numb with weights, calories and the comfort of Ed.
I’m not saying it feels good to be sad or exhausted, but it feels good to just feel.
I appreciate the fact that I am feeling.
I am feeling tired. I was feeling sad. Before recovery, the only thing I felt was insignificant all the time-every day and every night.
I would rather feel exhaustion or sadness or even loneliness than feel the temporary numbness that Ed used to provide me. I also know how freeing it feels to feel proud, happy and at peace-even if they are not for long periods of time.
I am almost certain that every birthday wish my grandpa made since he had a family was for us to be happy.
And it fills me with joy to think that me graduating college this year, being healthy and following my dream job to Washington and making myself happy is making him happy.
But above all, the best gift I could give him would be to learn to be happy with myself and to see me the way he saw me: a rock star from the inside out.
Happy birthday my guardian angel and for all of us rock stars, hello life.