Happy Monday everyone,
I just have two things to say today:
1. Today was a better day than yesterday. It wasn’t perfect (which it will never be perfect), but it was better.
I felt better about me-my inner being as a person. And better, no matter how little in amount, is always something worth celebrating for.
2. We had a fighter and one of my now dear friends, give up her scale yesterday.
This was a decision that she thought about for months and months-one she’s always wanted to make since starting to read this blog over a year ago. And yesterday she did it.
While I sit here and write about my new part of my journey in terms of mindfulness and self acceptance of my new recovery self, she is just starting the very beginning of hers. It’s important to be able to recognize the other places in life that the people we care about are in—Ed doesn’t do that . He see’s only us and him, him and us.
But in recovery, we connect with others. We can feel for them. We can empathize. We can love someone else and be proud of someone else even when we are not sure how to do that for ourselves.
My friend is learning how to wake up every morning and not start her day with a number. She’s learning how to go to sleep without being a number.
I haven’t been a number in almost a year and a half, and yet I continue to dig deeper into my heart to discover and feel true love and acceptance for myself.
I don’t have a finite answer yet to what that is, but I do know the fact that I can tell my friend honestly and full heartedly that despite the many talks out loud I have to give myself every day in the mirror-
That despite the days I cried so hard because no longer feeling trapped by Ed was at times even scarier than the thought of him taking over my life–
And that despite the fact that I had to relearn everything I ever thought was true about my own self worth–
Every single minute of not being a number and every single minute of fighting for the right to love me for me-has been worth it.
It’s been worth it. And it still is worth it. And to be able to say that and mean that with all my heart, even in the not-so-great place I am in, is a beautiful thing.
It reminds me that the fighter in me is still here.
To my dear fighter and friend who woke up today and didn’t start her day by stepping on a scale – who didn’t start her day as a number–welcome to freedom baby–the fight will be worth it.