Happy Monday fighters,
Wow, I made it -we made it-through the first week of being mindful. A week ago today, I sat here and thought that my only way out of this sadness I was feeling was by resorting back to Ed.
I decided to give one month my all and stick to my recovery ,and in one week, I honestly feel like I’m living a different reality than I was living in a week ago.
I no longer feel I need to resort back to Ed. I no longer feel alone. And I owe everyone reading this for that.
Thank you all for standing by me from day 1 of this journey a year and a half ago, to today.
We are a team. A team of people that while most of us never even have met, we stand united in our journeys to fighting for a life free of self judgement and finding self acceptance.
Today I finally told the trainers at my gym about my recovery.
They had asked me to do an “evaluation” and asked what my goals were in being there and what I wanted to accomplish in one month.
I thought it would be easier for me by now to say that I’m in recovery for an eating disorder, but it wasn’t.
It was hard saying those words today. It’s like part of me is proud to say it and part of me is still ashamed that I let myself once fall to this disease, even though I’m the strongest person I know for pulling myself out of it.
And then she asked me my goals. At first I said I want to feel strong.
And then Ed creeped in and I somehow uttered out the words “and I want to get smaller.”
I literally said them so fast the trainer looked at me confused. Maybe she didn’t understand me. Or maybe she thought I don’t need to get smaller-and maybe in reality I don’t.
But the fact is, that was Ed speaking for me.
I havne’t let Ed speak for me in a very long time and it was scary that it happened. But instead of beating myself up for it, I took a minute to observe that it happened, and then move on.
I told her right afterwards that it was the unhealthy part of me talking and that I just want to be strong. I took back my power. But it felt like Ed was still there laughing at me.
But in the end, I get the laugh. Because even though he might have spoke for me in that one tiny moment, the fact is, someone else here now knows about him and they know I am fighting against him.
We even decided that for now I would keep a food log so they can make sure I am eating enough when working out.
I added people to my team today.
I’ve written before about me and Ed being in a boxing ring and how important it is for me to know who is in my corner.
Those trainers are now in my corner, here in Washington. I have people in my corner all around the world. But the fact that there’s someone physically here in my corner is a relief and a victory for me that Ed tried to keep me from having.
And later this morning when I went to check in on a friend of mine I did a story on, I saw a group of women sitting around a table who welcomed me with open hugs and open arms.
A month ago they were just women. Today they are my team–and that is even their words, not mine.
“We are your team,” they told me today. They are my team and my friends. And when I walked to my car I almost wanted to cry.
I have a team here, guys . A real, loving team.
I’ve alway had my recovery team, fighters, family and friends in my corner-don’t get me wrong. But to have a team physically here with me is a big deal.
Had I not been on this path to learning to be mindful, I might have never even recognized my teams here today.
But I did recognize it.
And to give myself a little credit, I also worked to make these teams and friends for myself so I wouldn’t be isolated and fall back to Ed.
Who thought that one week of being mindful would turn out to not be about food, but would turn out to be learning that I actually am kind of happy here.