As always, I am blown away by the overwhelming amount of support and love from all our fighters around the world. Truly, we are one community. And I can’t put into words how thankful I am for it because it’s what’s been getting me through these past two days.
When we feel we are alone for so long and then when we are reminded that we are not alone is a feeling that I don’t know I will ever be able to describe in whole: but I feel like I can take a breathe now.
I already wrote that I was not mindful of my eating even though Ed told me that is so embarrassing to do-a girl who used to not eat to one that now overeats–no one will understand that, he said. Yet here you all are understanding me.
I wrote that I was having trouble recognizing my own small victories lately and you guys wrote out lists of them for me.
I wrote that I was very close to going back to old Ed ways to fix my new body right now and that in order to not to do that I needed to write a blog for a month to help myself stay mindful and accountable. Mindful of how I treat my body, my sleeping needs, my happiness needs and my emotional needs and accountable to not give up on those needs when times get hard. And here you guys are, supporting me without judgement.
To say I am grateful is not nearly enough, but it’s the best word I can think of.
On that note, I am not as scared as I was yesterday, but today I kind of threw a pity party for myself. (But it’s over now).
I was telling E (for new fighters, E is my therapist) that I don’t understand why I am always the one to take the hard route in life. I was crying to her about it actually, and honestly just feeling sorry for myself. I know that it isn’t’ the right thing to say, but it’s how I felt.
I could have so easily either continued on filling my emotional gaps with food or distractions or whatever else I was doing before this month journey commitment, or I could have gone back to Ed like I was so close to doing to try to “fix” what I was feeling in another way.
And yet, I decided to not do either.
I decided to be mindful for an entire month instead.
Mindful-the hardest act in life to do. It means being aware of our feelings and thoughts. This means I now have to become aware of the feelings I have been feeling these past few months and actually face them head on and not use other mindless ways to avoid them.
And that is something I am not sure how I will handle.
Writing every day will mean writing about my new life here in a new state with a new career and new friends and pretty much a new life.
It’s a life that I chose. It’s a decision that I know from the deepest part of me was the right one to make.
But learning how to live in this new life has been extremely lonely and often times has made me feel lost. And now, for the first time, through being mindful and through writing about it, I need to face it.
Facing that is hard. It’s so hard.
It would have been easier to go the other way.
This easier route would have kept me blindsided from the reality of what its been like to be on this journey here in Washington on my own.
So anyway, I once again chose the hard route. Like always.
Giving up my scale was the hard route.
Starting recovery was the hard route.
Running cross county in high school even though I was a slow runner was the hard route.
Moving states to start my career was the hard route.
And now figuring out how to reconnect with my soul and my heart and my true self and not just mindlessly watch TV and move through life is the hard route.
Learning how to be kind to myself again and talk nice to myself again and not take pictures of myself in the mirror again is the hard route.
Continuing to not stand on a scale is the hard route.
I know I’m not the only one who choose the hard and less often walked road in life and I don’t blame myself for wishing I could just take the easy way out just one time to know what it would be like. Wouldn’t we all want to know what that’s like at least one time?
But it’s not something I am willing to experiment with in recovery.
Maybe one day I can take a day off work just to relax and say I am sick and that can be an easy way out. But this right here can’t be.
So after I cried to E for an hour I made my pity party end because no one is forcing me to do this and fight-I am choosing it.
Hard way or not, I chose this. I chose it because I am lucky enough to remember that I deserve to live loving myself.
So why do we fighters take the hard path?
Why do we fight when we’ve seen so many give up?
Why do we continue and continue and continue to walk through journeys like finding self love and self acceptance, even when they sometimes feel never ending?
We do it because we fight for what we love.
And today I am mindful enough to remind myself that despite all the chaos in my head right now, I love me. And therefore, I will fight for me and I will take the hard route for me.