So day 1 of my month of mindfulness started out with a lot of tears. And i mean a lot of them. Before work and during my break from work. But on the upside, I sit here now without tears and in a better place after having a productive day.
But before I go into why today was so hard, I want to say thank you so much for everyone’s support yesterday and throughout today for this one month adventure. I can’t express how much I need it right now. Thank you, thank you and thank you.
I’ve cried multiple times since writing my post last night. Why? Because for a few reasons: the first one being is that I already feel misunderstood.
This month of mindfulness is my way of fighting against Ed.
Instead of going back to my old ways and restricting to try to make myself feel better about my bigger body, which I was about .02 seconds from doing before I wrote yesterday’s post, I decided to give one month of my all.
One month of using all my mindfulness, my recovery tools and my willpower to reconnect with myself, my needs, my wants, and what truly makes my spirit whole as a person here in Washington, since what used to work at home in California like certain friends of family, is not available here. So I need to find new things that keep my spirit, mind and body whole.
And while some people understood that, others didn’t.
This month is NOT about Ed. It’s NOT about writing about food (although it’s inevitable that I will especially because a big part of being mindful is practicing mindful eating which I have not been doing since I moved) and it’s NOT about using it as a way to let Ed control me.
It’s not a step backward. It’s 20 steps forward.
I’m once again saving myself from going back to a lifestyle that although is familiar (and familiar sounds pretty tempting in the new place and job I am in), I am not giving up on my recovery–I am not going to restrict and yet during this month I am going to try to learn how to not mindlessly eat to fill my emotional holes.
That is forward, forward and more forward.
It’s me fighting for my recovery and fighting against Ed.
It’s taking the hard route instead of the easier and known route for me.
And to be misunderstood about that by some people has been very hard.
But this blog was never about people understanding me, and during the entire year without a scale there were often times readers misunderstood me. And it’s going to have to be O.K. since this blog is not for anyone else but me, and for my fighters who have grown with me during this journey.
Part 2 of my unusual amount of tears today: I am scared.I am so scared.
Writing this blog again for a month really exposes me again.
It exposes my biggest battles right now–battles that I’ve really been fighting alone for the past two and a half months.
Battles that although were lonesome, they were only mine. No one had to really know. And now you all know again.
Part of me is confused why I am scared to be exposed and vulnerable. I already was exposed to the world on this blog of an entire year. A year that I thought I was at my most vulnerable point ever.
And here I am, now feeling that I’ve never been more vulnerable in my life than right now.
I kept thinking last night, “oh my God, did I really just say I am going to blog again for a whole month? Now everyone knows I am not mindful lately–it’s almost felt embarrassing. It’s a total lack of discipline for a person who used to have so much “Ed discipline.”
It’s never easy to be open and to be exposed and to share our stories, inner most demons, sadnesses, fears and experiences with people.
But doing that saved my life from Ed and it gave me the power to make it through one year without a scale and my first year of recovery and now it will help me re-find myself in this new place of recovery that I am in.
It will help me reconnect with who I know I am in a time where I’ve lost touch with that and maybe it’ll save another life in the process.
It’s easier to suffer in silence and with your face down than to suffer holding your face up to the world and not hide behind anything.
But easier is not always better and easier is not my answer here.
So face up to the world, misunderstood by few and scared with every ounce of me, I continue on with this one month journey with the upmost hope.