Month of Mindfulness Day 1: Misunderstood and Scared

Hi everyone,

So day 1 of my month of mindfulness started out with a lot of tears. And i mean a lot of them. Before work and during my break from work. But on the upside, I sit here now without tears and in a better place after having a productive day.

But before I go into why today was so hard, I want to say thank you so much for everyone’s support yesterday and throughout today for this one month adventure. I can’t express how much I need it right now. Thank you, thank you and thank you.

I’ve cried multiple times since writing my post last night. Why? Because for a few reasons: the first one being is that I already feel misunderstood.

This month of mindfulness is my way of fighting against Ed.

Instead of going back to my old ways and restricting to try to make myself feel better about my bigger body, which I was about .02 seconds from doing before I wrote yesterday’s post, I decided to give one month of my all.

One month of using all my mindfulness, my recovery tools and my willpower to reconnect with myself, my needs, my wants, and what truly makes my spirit whole as a person here in Washington, since what used to work at home in California like certain friends of family, is not available here. So I need to find new things that keep  my spirit, mind and body whole.

And while some people understood that, others didn’t.

This month is NOT about Ed. It’s NOT about writing about food (although it’s inevitable that I will especially because a big part of being mindful is practicing mindful eating which I have not been doing since I moved) and it’s NOT about using it as a way to let Ed control me.

It’s not a step backward. It’s  20 steps forward.

I’m once again saving myself from going back to a lifestyle that although is familiar (and familiar sounds pretty tempting in the new place and job I am in), I am not giving up on my recovery–I am not going to restrict and yet during this month I am going to try to learn how to not mindlessly eat to fill my emotional holes.

That is forward, forward and more forward.

It’s me fighting for my recovery and fighting against Ed.

It’s taking the hard route instead of the easier and known route for me.

And to be misunderstood about that by some people has been very hard.

But this blog was never about people understanding me, and during the entire year without a scale there were often times readers misunderstood me. And it’s going to have to be O.K. since this blog is not for anyone else but me, and for my fighters who have grown with me during this journey.

Part 2 of my unusual amount of tears today: I am scared.I am so scared.

Writing this blog again for a month really exposes me again.

It exposes my biggest battles right now–battles that I’ve really been fighting alone for the past two and a half months.

Battles that although were lonesome, they were only mine. No one had to really know. And now you all know again.

Part of me is confused why I am scared to be exposed and vulnerable. I already was exposed to the world on this blog of an entire year. A year that I thought I was at my most vulnerable point ever.

And here I am, now feeling that I’ve never been more vulnerable in my life than right now.

I kept thinking last night, “oh my God, did I really just say I am going to blog again for a whole month? Now everyone knows I am not mindful lately–it’s almost felt embarrassing. It’s a total lack of discipline for a person who used to have so much “Ed discipline.”

It’s never easy to be open and to be exposed and to share our stories, inner most demons, sadnesses, fears and experiences with people.

But doing that saved my life from Ed and it gave me the power to make it through one year without a scale and my first year of recovery and now it will help me re-find myself in this new place of recovery that I am in.

It will help me reconnect with who I know I am in a time where I’ve lost touch with that and maybe it’ll save another life in the process.

It’s easier to suffer in silence and with your face down than to suffer holding your face up to the world and not hide behind anything.

But easier is not always better and easier is not my answer here.

So face up to the world, misunderstood by few and scared with every ounce of me, I continue on with this one month journey with the upmost hope.

Hello life.

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20 thoughts on “Month of Mindfulness Day 1: Misunderstood and Scared

  1. Oh Shira, my heart goes out to you right now. I know it’s so hard to feel vulnerable again, but you must believe me when I say that PERFECTION IS A LIE. And just like perfection in ED is a lie, perfection in RECOVERY is also a lie. No one’s recovery is seamless straight lines. There are all kind of squiggles and hairpin turns and backtracks. And THATS OK! That’s normal! We all mess up sometimes and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.

    I’m SO PROUD that you have chosen to be transparent again and seek accountability through your blog, your loved ones, and your fellow fighters. Truth is where recovery and health win against ED, not hiding and lies.

    Keep fighting sister! Always here for you!

    • My amazing Heather,
      Where do I start? I love you so so much and i know you understand my pain and also my victories and my journey as you have been here with me all along and i’ve been with you. Thank you for letting me feel OK that recovery is not a perfect straight line, as sometimes I really need to be reminded of that. And that my journey is just my journey, no shame or anything attached. I would not be able to do this if not for you and the other girls. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

  2. Shira we miss you too.

    You are my hero. My human hero. My hero who showed my how to fight everyday to look ED in the eye and say “You’re over.” Ironically I have lost 20 lbs this year because you inspired me to “bring it everyday” to conquer ED. You don’t enough but I ate too much. Before I ate too much but now i eat just the right amount. Not too much too little. Just the right amount.

    Thank you Shira, my hero.

    • Shannon,
      I will forever have a place for you in my heart. I never forget the words you told me and how much they meant to me. I am so so proud of you for fighting your own Ed and getting healthy! Here I am once again fighting Ed–in a new location, new state and new company but with the same support system that got me through this the first time and your a part of that and for that i am so grateful. Thank you <33333

  3. Well said, Shira. We all have our tough days and our own battles to fight. I know I’ve had mine since moving out here. I’m there for you if you need me! xxox

    • Thank you girl! I know it hasn’t been easy for you either and can’t imagine the struggles you face too. I am here for you and i know we will make this place home for us in no time ❤

  4. I’m so proud of you, Shira. No one has anything to prove to anyone else, but you’ve already shown everyone on the blog and In your life your astounding bravery and persistence. Therefor I’m positive you can make it through this chapter in your journey, especially with us fighters at your side to help remind you of the strength you already have. I look forward to reading about your daily endeavors and discoveries<3 xx

    • My dear Bianca!
      I miss you and love you very much and thank you so much for this beautiful comment! It really encouraged me and gave me the boost I needed right now. I know I can make it through this with the support of everyone here like you. I am so thankful for you and hope you are doing well and i hope to read more of your writing soon! <33 Sending you a lot of love my fighter

  5. Shirush the only thing that counts is what You think n what You need n the amazing thing is that You know n Get It!!! The rest belongs to others.. I love u!!

  6. Hey Shira, you are so brave for doing that and standing up to ED. I am (kinda) looking forward to reading you every day for this month because your writing is so powerful. Bring on the battle!

  7. I understand you! I totally know how you feel when you feel so uncomfortable and all you want is to go back to your familiar, comfortable ED. It’s scary. But, when you fight the urge, you gain strength, so good for you, girl!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ❤

  8. sending you lots love and visualizing a bright white light of healing and protection that surrounds your aurora and protects you. LOve you!!!

  9. You are such an inspiration to me and probably most of your readers. I admire your willpower and hope you will get back on track. Thank you for sharing your story and being a role model how to make it through times of difficulties and set backs.
    Lots of love and best wishes from Germany

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