Blogging Everyday for One Month

Hi fighters,

Since I’ve last written, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. And the time has come to get myself to a more stable place. So before I explain why I will be writing a blog post every day for the next month,  let me start by saying what’s brought me to this place.

Last week I flew home and graduated college and got to see my family and friends for the firs time since moving to Washington two and half months ago.

I was so worried about everyone seeing my new body and my bigger self. While I know that’s not what my family or friends care about, by natural instinct and habit, I kept thinking it’s the only thing people would see.

They didn’t see that-and they frankly didn’t care about how I looked-but I did.

I so did. Every minute. Every picture. Every event. Probably every other sentence that I said had to do about the way I looked.

I remember the night before my college graduation I was sitting in bed in tears over how I could only bring my long flowy dresses with me to wear since nothing else fit.

But then I got a message from another Hello Life fighter. She told me how Ed took over her college graduation. It broke my heart for her, and for me, thinking that I could also be heading down that same path the very next day.

I already have enough years and events in my life that Ed has taken over. I didn’t want to add my college graduation to that list.

Especially a graduation that I worked so hard to reach.

I worked to graduate even through my recovery-even through my heart ache with my break up with my ex of 3 years-even through moving to Washington-I came back home to walk across that stage.

Of course I didn’t have a number on a scale to dictate my graduation day for me and for that I am so proud. And really, I am proud of myself for being as in the moment as I could be on that day. It was not easy.

I took pictures. I saw friends. I smiled. I was with my family and I made them proud,and most importantly, I made myself proud.

Even though every picture I took I had to check myself in, and some I could not stand–I tried to delete them off my phone before anyone else could even see them.

While those moments took up parts of that day, they did not define it.

I still went to Cheesecake Factory with my family and had my amazing Linda’s fudge cake afterwards and I still had dinner with my family that night and kissed and hugged my baby brothers and didn’t let anything in the world take away from that.

I realize latley that I have forgotten to celebrate my own small victories.

Yes, I checked every photo of myself that day. Yes, I disliked almost every single one and yes, I was thinking about what everyone was thinking when they saw me.

But, I was there. I was present. I walked on the stage and I did it for me. I loved my family. And that took a lot of power I don’t think I gave myself credit for that day, and I really deserved to.

Even through these two and half months  I’ve eaten unmindfully and yes, I’ve gotten consumed with Ed’s vicious thoughts.

But I’ve also moved states to start my career. I’ve mad an impact on people’s lives. I got up and chased my dream to be a reporter and that deserves some kind of recognition, even if Ed doesn’t think so.

And on the note of recognition, I want to take a moment to recognize that we came very close to winning a $10,000 award that would have helped turn this blog into a non-profit organization to help other fighters like us.

I say we, because if not for everyone reading this blog, it would not be what it is and therefore would not have even made it into the final stages of that award that it did.

We did not win the award. But the person who did win deserved it, and I say that whole heartedly and I’m so happy for her.

I know that all this means is that we need to find plan B. I cried about this loss. And I grieved it. And now we will move forward and find another way to make it happen.

But I wanted to take a second and realize that victory that we even got so close to winning.We were  one of three finalist chosen from 18 people. That’s pretty incredible if we think about the fact that this blog started as one individual journey and now became the journey of hundreds.

Moving on to today and this post about blogging every day.

I sit here now writing this blog post after my best friend came to visit me this weekend.

I cried to her on Saturday night about how miserable I am in this new body, how hard it is to wear clothes every day that are so tight and uncomfortable and don’t even button and how trapped I feel.

I cry to E about this every week too. I cried about to her when I saw her last week when I came home.

But, a weekend of good times with my best friend including good food and good laughs, and an entire shopping spree later with clothes that fit my new body, I am in the place to write what I am about to say.

I’ve been thinking of making this commitment for a while now, but I haven’t had the courage yet.

But new wardrobe in hand, a dose of my best friend and some positive self talk later, I am ready.

I am ready to stop fighting this part of my journey alone and work on it with all of you behind me.

I don’t mind having this new bigger body if it’s where I am supposed to be. I do mind, however, not being mindful.

And I mean that in all aspects of my life: not being mindful in my eating, in my fullness levels, in what TV shows I want to watch, in what ways I want to relax, even in how much I need to sleep.

And since moving to Washington, I have not been mindful of those things.

What TV shows do I enjoy? What things make me relaxed now?

What food is fuel for my body and what am I really craving? Am I even respecting when my body is full?

Am I sleeping when I’m tired?

And I reaching out for help when I need it?

The answers to all of those is no. Not lately.

I have the urge to go back to my old ways—to go back to Ed-to counting calories, to limiting myself, to punishing myself for the lack of discipline I’ve shown over the past few months.

And I thought about doing that, and then I thought, how would I explain that to you all, and to myself?

I could go back to old ways-and I don’t even think anyone would really blame me for it and at some level, I don’t even think I would blame myself, knowing the place of desperation I am in.

But, if I were to do that, it better be after I tried my very best-and I mean, my very very very damn best.

And I haven’t tried my very best yet.

So, Ive’ decided to do what led me through my first year in recovery: make a commitment and keep myself accountable through this blog.

I am going to be blogging about a “Month of Mindfulness.”

Every day, starting tomorrow, which is May 27, to June 27 (which comes out to 32 days), I am going to blog about re-discovering how to be mindful again.

I am not saying I will have a lot to say every day, or even anything really moving or powerful to say every day. But I will write every day for this month.

I thought about just doing a month commitment to myself, but I know what works for me: and this blog is what works for me.

I can’t give up on myself if I make a promise to not just me but to all  600 of us in this fight together, especially now after journeying with you all for the past year and a half.

So, here we go.

A month of mindfulness.

One month of re-learning how to be mindful. One month of really paying attention to my needs, my wants, my own willpower and my own strength.

And one month of hopefully reminding myself that I haven’t totally lost touch with who I am.

Tomorrow will be day 1 of our one month daily journey together.

Until tomorrow…hello life.

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15 thoughts on “Blogging Everyday for One Month

  1. So proud of you and so moved by your inner strength and commitment! Like mother like daughter! We keep picking ourselves up, we brush ourselves off and me move on! As we have heard before (from your brother if I’m right) it doesn’t matter how many times we are knocked down. What matters is we keep picking ourselves up! Here’s to a month of blogs yet to come! 💃💃💃

  2. I’m so proud of you. For all that you have accomplished and how far you’ve come. You have a great deal of inner strength and the strength to be truthful to yourself. I know you will fulfill your commitment as you always do. Luv u

  3. Shira,
    I am so proud of you for all that you have done. I love you no matter what! You have accomplished so much. Life is a series of ups and downs and learning how to navigate through it all. I believe that you can do what ever you want and it shows, look you moved all the way to washington to follow your dream. That is something that only a few really do. Keep following your dreams!!!
    Love you,
    UM

  4. Shirush, I’m so happy n proud of u that you t honest with yourself, personally I know that such commitment is sometimes what makes the difference. Sometimes you owe it to others… Before to yourself. Until you realize that by doing so you doing it for yourself first. Shirts I am, we all are, 100 percent n more behind you. Go champ!!! Tal

  5. You truly amaze me. Your strength, passion and perseverance. Your beautiful, mind, body and soul. I love this new blog for 32 days. I think it’s an amazing idea. I love it and I love you. While I was inpatient every morning we had to tell our MHA a daily goal. A lot of people would feel it monotonous and just say whatever came to their minds first. Some people took it seriously. I started really searching myself every day to find out what small goal everyday would take me one step closer to the ultimate goal. It’s the small goals, victories and steps that make up this as a whole. I realized looking so far ahead to what I wanted life to look like wouldn’t work cause I didn’t know how to nurture myself daily, hour to hour, minute to minute let alone how to get to the big picture. When we start moving away from ED and allowing the light to truly shine in is when he screams the loudest. Wanting to take away any ounce if happiness and peace would can find. I’m so proud of you for everything you have Done and are doing. I also kept thinking that I needed to focus on the relationships that aided in and fed my ED. Then I slowly came to see that the most important relationship I needed to nurture and figure out was and is the relationship I have with myself. I love you girl and I am looking forward to this next adventure with you!

    “Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves”!

    • My amazing friend,
      Thank you so so much for this truly uplifting comment. I love the concept of small goals every day! What an amazing idea. i think that’s what being mindful is kind of all about–learning how to celebrate the small goals that we reach every day and also learning how to set those goals and being proud of them for reaching them. I love you so much and am so grateful that i started this adventure to Washington with you by my side. From when I was packing my clothes in California to driving to Washington to my first day of work and through your inpatient..we’ve been walking these two journeys of ours together all along and i cant wait to keep walking and walking and walking with you. i love you ❤

  6. Shira, I’m sorry you’re not happy but you know what to do. You mention being mindful and that is good for everyone to practice. It’s finding balance, making adjustments and gaining control of your day to day activities. You’ve already started with your new wardrobe. Then each week you can focus on food, sleep, fun and exercise–maybe a new one per week. We all get out of sync at times. I’m working on that too. This week it’s getting back to physical therapy exercises for an injury last year. That still leaves better eating habits, getting my “paper” in order, cleaning closets and organizing photographs to handle. You’re in good company. Your month long blog is a great way to accomplish what you want. I have complete faith in you, your abilities and talent. Judy

    Sent from my iPad

    • Hi Judy!
      Thank you so much for this! And most importantly i have to thank you for pointing out the small victories that i didn’t see myself, like buying the new wardrobe. At first I almost saw that as a way of giving up on myself and saying “ok you are not strong enough to go back to your old body so just buy new clothes,” but in reality, buying those new clothes was a strong courageous act and you were able to help show me that. I am really proud of you for finding balance in your life too! It is never easy like you say. I have faith in both of us and am so grateful that you’re always by my side in my journey to finding true self love. ❤

  7. Shira, a day never goes by without thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you the best in your journey. You will never be alone, too many people care and love you, your soul is connected to your family, all your followers, and your guardian angel…your grandpa will never leave your side.
    You are a remarkable and inspiring young woman with the potential to truly change the world and I hope that you se e that you are already accomplishing that. Life will test you and bend you to your limits but you will not break…your story will never end in failure. You are an extraordinary human being and realize how blessed you are to have such a provocative and inspirational life story. You are always on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers Shira. One tip on being mindful…your first thought when you wake up should be to thank God for another day, another opportunity to do what you love and spread love to those around and in your life…don’t take anything that you are experiencing for granted. You are a winner Shira, and Im one of your biggest fans and hope to support your cause in any way I can.

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