Tonight I had my first celebration for my one year mark of this blog, which is officially on Tuesday. It was at the same steakhouse in San Diego that I celebrated my 6 month milestone.
All I have to say about this dinner is that I love bread and butter, and wine, and steak and mostly: I love the icing and frosting and whipped cream that comes on chocolate cake.
And I love the family who I was able to celebrate this first celebratory dinner with.
And I also loved my menu that said “Congratulations Shira on one year, hello life!”
And I love icing-just one more time for the record.
I also went today to go get the hammer that I will be smashing my scale with at the end of this journey.
I set up a poll for everyone to vote on what to do with my scale, and the results overwhelmingly say to smash it. So that’s what I am going to do.
My step mom and my brothers had actually taken the time to make me a special hammer for this day about a week or so ago and even painted it yellow, hello life’s colors, and wrote “hello life” on it.
It was a beautiful gesture and it is a big indicator of the kind of role they played in this journey.
But as they were making it, I wasn’t able to help them. I didn’t even want to pick up the paintbrush.
I wasn’t ready yet to come to terms with the fact that this one year journey is almost over.
I realized that in order for me to truly prepare myself for the moment of me smashing my scale, I had to go through the preperation process myself.
At first I ordered a hammer online, but it wasn’t sufficient enough.
I decided that if I am going to mentally prepare myself for this moment, then I need to start with going to the store and picking out my hammer myself ; feeling it, imagining me using it to smash my scale, and sit with that idea for a while.
This scale was my everything for so many years. It was my definition of who I was. It was my good days. It was my bad days. It was my birthday. It was everyday.
While smashing it will be one of the greatest acts of self love I can ever do for myself, it is also going to be smashing away a part of who I used to be.
So today, I went to pick my hammer.
I even got yellow spray paint to color it with Hello Life colors.
I picked up every single hammer in the isle. The light ones, the big ones, and even the ones I couldn’t pick up. It took a while until I found the right one.
After practicing picking it up and pretending to smash something with it, I had chosen the right one.
My hammer that my family made for me is going to stay with me and in my room forever as a reminder of what it symbolizes; love and unconditional support. For whatever reason, that hammer was meant to serve that purpose for me as a reminder of that love.
But this hammer, the one I got today, this will be the destroyer of my scale.
So today I took one step toward accepting the ending of this journey and also one step toward celebrating the end of this one year journey.
I celebrated with my mom, aunt, sister and grandma, and had the most incredible dinner ever.
My sister even asked me how I feel, and I told her that I can’t believe it was real. And when I looked at her when she asked me that, I couldn’t help but remember the very first day I got my meal plan, and she came and ate lunch with me because I couldn’t do it alone.
Tonight was a celebration of not just this one year of recovery and one year without a scale; but a celebration of the relationships and love that come from being in other relationships than just with Ed.
And I got the hammer that will be used to smash my scale.
I am still not sure I am ready to accept that Tuesday is quickly approaching as this blog has become a huge part of my life, but I am doing all the right steps to mentally prepare for it.
Hello to my first celebration for this one year journey, hello to the hammer that will smash my scale and hello life.