Happy Friday everyone,
So today’s post is going to sound a lot like my other posts this week, so I apologize in advanced for me writing about my brothers getting redundant.
But like I’ve always said, I really do write this blog honestly and this week they have been major parts of my day, so it is unavoidable to write about it.
But, there is something different that happened today when I was with them.
Throughout this past week, I’ve written many times about how eating with my brothers and sharing treats with them has been huge steps in my recovery.
I even wrote about how my 5-year-old brother asked me the other day if I still eat “those small things in a bag,” which were the prunes I used to bring with me as my meal when I would go and take them out to eat. I wrote about how proud I was to tell him that those things no longer are in my life.
So today, when I made them macaroni and cheese for lunch ,and ate cereal with milk and fruit instead (totally on the plan but not what they were having), you can see why at first I felt like I was failing today.
“Again, they are seeing me eat something different from what they are eating,” I thought to myself.
But honestly, I was craving that cereal and milk since yesterday, and I really wasn’t comfortable eating that mac and cheese. Some days I can be comfortable eating outside of the meal plan and other days, like at lunch today, I am just not.
It took me few times of walking myself through my own negative thoughts to bring myself to the final conclusion that I am writing about now.
Recovery doesn’t mean always eating exactly what everyone else is eating. Recovery doesn’t mean eating what we’re not always comfortable with.
Recovery means being present.
So, yes, maybe I ate a meal that I was more comfortable with than the mac and cheese they were eating, but I was still present with them at that table.
I had a bowl, a spoon and a plate with food. It was definitely a different image than the old Ed-controlled me with my plastic bag of prunes at the table.
And later, when I made cupcakes with them and I even let myself have one, I was again, back in the moment, eating with everyone else.
Recovery ebbs and flows and today is one the days that I see that.
My point in writing this is really to remind myself of what I was saying yesterday: that winning is not one definition and neither is recovery.
One part of today, recovery meant eating a cupcake with my brothers, and on another part of my day,it meant sitting with them at lunch all together but eating something I was comfortable with.
And that’s ok too.
The only one who expects me to live life as this perfect “recovered” person who always eats what everyone else is eating and doesn’t even think twice about it, is me.
I don’t even think my brothers cared about what we ate or what I ate. They cared I was there.
They cared about sitting outside in the sun together, cuddling together and watching movies together.
Despite what the perfectionist in me is saying, I know that I did a pretty OK job today, cereal and milk and cupcake in all.
I like being accepting of the word OK.
It’s not perfect and it’s not terrible, it’s just ok.
And I like it.