Happy Friday Eve everyone,
So I went to the park today to go for a short run instead of go to the gym because I felt like being outside, only when I started running, my body was just not having it.
I ran cross country in high school and I usually actually enjoy the feeling I get from running (as long as Ed is not there with me), but today, I remember thinking to myself “wow, this is really just not fun.”
It was not what I expected and it’s not what Ed expected. I had expected to run . I mean, other than wanting to be outside, that’s why I was there.
Every time I walked, I felt like I was moving 1 mile per hour. But the more I tried to push my body to run, the more miserable the experience was becoming.
As I started walking, this song came on my Pandora and it had a line in it that said “We have a choice to make, wether we choose to win or lose, and I choose to win.”
I’m not sure if it was because of the state of mind I was in, but that line hit me really hard.
In that moment, I honestly felt like I was able to step outside of my own body for a moment. There was me as my soul and then there was my body.
We were two different entities.
Since the beginning of my recovery, I have felt that me as a person and my body are two separate things. While that may not be true, that’s how I feel.
We are like a married couple that is bound together for life, that went through a period of distrust and through this past year we’ve been relearning how to trust each other and getting to know each other again.
So, my body didn’t want to run today.
After all it’s done for me and after all Ed has put it through, I am learning to listen to it and to respect it.
So if it doesn’t want to run, it doesn’t run.
In that moment, I truly felt like I was winning.
I was winning because I was making the conscious choice to listen to my body instead of listen to Ed.
I was making the choice to grow in this relationship with my body. We are a couple, and we are growing and learning together.
Since the day I chose recovery, I knew I chose to win.
But today, after hearing that song, it just made me think about it more.
What is winning?
I don’t even think there is one direct answer for that.
Everyday my definition of winning changes-especially when it comes to winning back my life from Ed.
Yesterday, winning meant making myself dinner.
The day before that winning meant eating frozen yogurt with my brother.
The day before that winning meant simply getting through my hard day.
Today, winning meant walking instead of running.
Today, winning meant eating the soup the lady I tutor for made for me. It wasn’t winning because it was me eating, it was winning because it was me showing compassion to someone else the way I would want them to show me.
Today, winning was eating dinner with my sister, even AFTER I ate that soup because I knew she was waiting for me. Again, the win wasn’t the food-it was me honoring our time we had set aside for each other and not letting Ed take that away.
Winning is connecting with the fighters in the online support group.
I don’t know what shape or form winning will look like tomorrow, and I am not even sure if I will win tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow I won’t win and it’s a tie. Maybe some days I will feel like I am losing.
By choosing to win, it doesn’t mean I chose to always be undefeated.
It means I chose to persevere.
It means I chose the hard path; the path of walking instead of sometimes running; the path of listening instead of acting, and the path of learning how to love myself for who I am just the way I am.
Winning is a journey, it’s not a one time race with a one time winners title.
The closer this blog gets to the end of its one year mark, the more I am beginning to see that.