Let me start this post by saying hello to the good days that we have after the bad days, because it is after the bad days,that we can truly appreciate the good ones, and that’s where I am at right now.
I am appreciating this good day that I had today, and I am really excited to tell you guys about it.
I don’t know what inspired me today, but I decided I wanted to cook myself dinner.
I was home alone, and it wasn’t even dinner time, it was in the mid-afternoon,but the feeling just came over me. Knowing that it’s sometimes difficult to eat when I am by myself, I decided to seize the opportunity before Ed could talk me out of it.
And so I made dinner. Well, I made it and then saved it for when I would later eat it, but I made it.
And it was fun. I had my TV on, I could hear my pan sizzling, I felt like a real chef.
I used to cook all the time when I was locked in Ed. I would cook for everyone in my family and for my ex-boyfriend who I lived with at the time,but I would never enjoy my own cooking.
I would cook them something really yummy, and then make myself my “Ed” food, which was usually a plate of veggies.
And even throughout my recovery, cooking is not something I’ve done too often just because I am usually really busy.
But I decided that if I still don’t have a job and am graduated out of school, I guess I can take advantage of the time I had today to cook myself dinner.
It was a dinner that I’ve made in my head many times before, but I just never did it. It wasn’t anything insane or difficult or so gourmet, but it was what I wanted.
It had all the components a balanced meal has: proteins and fats and carbs and just deliciousness.
When I went to go eat it about an hour ago, I decided that for the first time in a while, I am going to eat just at the table with no distractions.
I usually watch TV when I eat alone so I have something to do, but when I do that, I often times can’t focus on my food, which sometimes works for me if Ed is there.
But today, I really wanted to focus on this food; I cooked it and it’s something I really wanted and have been wanting since I made it earlier in the day.
At first, sitting and eating in silence felt really lonely. But then, I began to really enjoy the act of what I was doing.
I was enjoying my own cooking. It was a beautiful moment.
And even though I had portioned out my meal according to my meal plan, I went back for seconds.
No meal plan in recovery is ever against seconds, right?
I took my plate to the sink thinking “wow, I am a good cook. Chef Shira is in the house.”
It was just yesterday that my little brother, who is now 5, asked me if I still eat prunes.
Prunes used to be my Ed diet, and there were many occasions where I took my little brothers out to eat at a restaurant and instead of eat with them, I would just bring my little plastic bag of prunes to eat for myself.
They always asked what it was and I didn’t really know how to explain it, so I told them they are my special healthy food that’s good for you.
Last night, out of no where, he asked me “Shira, do you still eat those things in a bag that are healthy for you,”?
At first, I couldn’t even believe he remembered that. But at the same time, I guess it’s kind of a hard image to forget when you see your sister eating from this little plastic bag whenever you ate together for a long time.
I looked at him and smiled and said “nope, not anymore.”
If only he would see the dinner I made tonight, he would give me a big high five.
No more prunes baby and no more plastic bags at the table.