While today wasn’t as good as my many of my good days in recovery have been, it was better.
I still did way more body checks than I would like to admit, I tried on two pairs of pants just to see how they still fit, and I let Ed talk to me for a little longer than I would like.
But, it was a better day than yesterday.
There were definitely hard moments in my day today, like when I went to go get frozen yogurt with one of my brothers and I let myself put some extra toppings. Ed was not happy.
There were hard moments when I was eating dinner with my brothers because I didn’t know how the food was made.
But above it all, never once did I space out into Ed’s world and never once was I not in the moment.
Every single second spent with those three beautiful souls today was spent with them in real life, not in Ed’s far away life.
And I made sure to smile, laugh and love each of them as best that I could, even when Ed was trying to hug me as I was sitting there hugging them.
Today wasn’t better because Ed was any quieter than the past two days, because he wasn’t.
It was better because I am actually taking a moment right now, as I write this, to be proud of myself, which is something I don’t do too often.
Despite Ed’s voice today, I surpassed it.
When he tried to wrap me with his presence, I wrapped myself with my brothers instead.
When he told me to not eat with them, I smiled through my own self doubt instead.
It was hard.
But it was also showing me that I still have the same fight within myself that I had when I first started this journey almost one year ago.
And as many good days as I might have, and as many bad days as I might have, I am beginning to see more and more, nothing can take that fight away from me.
A year ago, Ed would have won me over today and I would not be sitting here in front of this TV sipping hot chocolate with whipped cream and watching a movie with my little brothers.
It doesn’t matter what kind of Ed battles I had to fight today–the jeans, the food, the mirror checks–the fact that I am here on this couch in this very moment, reminds me this fight is worth it.
I don’t know if fighting for a life of freedom from Ed and a life of living in recovery truly ever stops, but I do this: we are worth fighting for ourselves.