Day 351: We Are Worth Fighting For Ourselves

Hello everyone,

While today wasn’t as good as my many of my good days in recovery have been, it was better.

I still did way more body checks than I would like to admit, I tried on two pairs of pants just to see how they still fit, and I let Ed talk to me for a little longer than I would like.

But, it was a better day than yesterday.

There were definitely hard moments in my day today, like when I went to go get frozen yogurt with one of my brothers and I let myself put some extra toppings. Ed was not happy.

There were hard moments when I was eating dinner with my brothers because I didn’t know how the food was made.

But above it all, never once did I space out into Ed’s world and never once was I not in the moment.

Every single second spent with those three beautiful souls today was spent with them in real life, not in Ed’s far away life.

And I made sure to smile, laugh and love each of them as best that I could, even when Ed was trying to hug me as I was sitting there hugging them.

Today wasn’t better because Ed was any quieter than the past two days, because he wasn’t.

It was better because I am actually taking a moment right now, as I write this, to be proud of myself, which is something I don’t do too often.

Despite Ed’s voice today, I surpassed it.

When he tried to wrap me with his presence, I wrapped myself with my brothers instead.

When he told me to not eat with them, I smiled through my own self doubt instead.

It was hard.

But it was also showing me that I still have the same fight within myself that I had when I first started this journey almost one year ago.

And as many good days as I might have, and as many bad days as I might have, I am beginning to see more and more, nothing can take that fight away from me.

A year ago, Ed would have won me over today and I would not be sitting here in front of this TV sipping hot chocolate with whipped cream and watching a movie with my little brothers.

It doesn’t matter what kind of Ed battles I had to fight today–the jeans, the food, the mirror checks–the fact that I am here on this couch in this very moment, reminds me this fight is worth it.

I don’t know if fighting for a life of freedom from Ed and a life of living in recovery truly ever stops, but I do this: we are worth fighting for ourselves.

Hello life.

 

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8 thoughts on “Day 351: We Are Worth Fighting For Ourselves

  1. See the people around us, without ed. Aren’t they happy, with its ups and downs, but happy? They can enjoy much moments than us double thinking everything. Sooo of course it is worth to fight. Every time you stop eds thoughts you are winning a small battle and you are getting closer to the end of your personal war. Of course it is worth fighting! You worth it!

  2. Shirush my love, Ed is playing with u to challenge u n check how real n committed u r to yourself, especially now when the year is almost up. By now u know that u never really kill ED, rather learn how to minimize his presence n influence n how to cope with it. ED is part of u, part of all if us, we all have emotional dependency one way or another… Eating disorder is just how this dependency comes out… N u r doing so well. I know u overwhelm n I want to remind u that I’m here. We all here to hug n love u, authenticly ( is this a word?). I’m so happy I call u to come n I’m so happy u came n will always come bec u know one thing that helps u is the unconditional love of your siblings n us. Your brothers love u n adore u bec of who u r… They feel your struggle but they here to combat it with u… They will never allow no one n nothing to keep YOU away from them, us. U earned every pinch of this love n support… Even though u would have got it anyway. At maksima, champ in your soul. No one will take u down but u, so keep walking head up n challenges?! Well it’s part of life n u truly surly living it now ( dark n bright still living life) n to thus I say ” hello Life”. I love u

    Sent from my iPhone

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  3. This makes me smile and gives me hope! Despite ED talking, you were able to have a good time with family. I do waaay too many body checks daily. The other day I tried on every single pair of pants I own!! It was very hard but I then took all the small, tight, or uncomfortable pants to GoodWill. I don’t wear them because they don’t fit or I don’t like them. I am making a goal to only wear and buy clothes that fit NOW! Keep saying no to ED! Do what makes you happy in the moment. 🙂

    • Hi Kim! I used to try on everything I owned too, until I also took them all in a huge big bag and donated them as well. Reading you doing that for yourself made me smile and think to myself “wow, she’s amazing and so brave.” Doing that and donating those clothes was MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR. Wow. Such a kick in the ass to Ed. You’re so strong and you really do inspire me in so many ways. <33

  4. This is so true. We are worth fighting for, but sometimes we aren’t in a good enough place to do it for ourselves. But someone you love can almost always do the trick and remind you what this is all about. I was at starbucks today with my good friend who is fighting her own battle, and together we ordered the new (and amazing) caramel flan latte. This was my first non-skinny drink there in so long with whole milk and whipped cream. I don’t think I would have done that alone. We then went to dinner, where she convinced me to order the pad thai noodles I had been craving. And we shared a piece of cheesecake:) sometimes support from loved ones makes all the difference, and they remind you you’re worth fighting for. Xx ❤

  5. Yay! I’m glad you’re pushing through and moving along the spectrum of recovery.

    Would you ever consider tossing out all your old clothes and buying new ones? I know it’s pricey, but it’s not like your mental health isn’t worth spending for. Also, would you ever consider challenging yourself to get rid of your full-length mirror? Maybe just have 1 neck-up mirror that you can do hair and makeup with, and that’s all?

    • Yes!! The mirror idea is great! I have already given away my old too small clothes and have gotten newer ones in my new sizes =) the mirror idea is wonderful and I am going to give it serious thought. ❤ Thank you so much for suggesting it!

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