***This post is corrected because the last one said that working out or restricting will fix my bad feelings when I meant to say they will NOT fix them***
Before I write today’s post, I just want to say that I honestly don’t have the right words that can even begin to suffice to thank everyone for their love and support yesterday.
Every single comment and personal email truly gave me the strength and hope to continue through my day yesterday and today. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to every single person for your love yesterday and a special thank you to my girls in the online fighter support group, who were literally there second by second if I needed them to be.
I wish I could say that today was a lot better than yesterday, but it just wasn’t.
I woke up with my body still sore and with that bruised feeling that I had yesterday, but I was able to distract myself for half of the day with job searching and a writing test I had to do for a reporting job I applied to.
When that was over and ended, I just was in a place of defeat.
Even the girl who used to train me at the gym saw me today and said that my eyes looked like I was in a far away place.
She was right.
I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror today. Why I am having such a difficult few days is something I am not sure of, but I know that it has to do with far more than just my physical body.
I know that not eating or restricting or exercising all day will not fix how I am feeling, although those facts are something that I need to remind myself of constantly today because they are easy to lose sight of when I am feeling so bad about the way I look and when I let Ed’s voice drown out mine.
There was a time early in my recovery that I spent a majority of my days feeling this kind of defeat, and while I am thankful that is no longer the case, it doesn’t make the days that I do still spend like that any easier.
So instead of spinning inside Ed’s world, I reached out to the three people who I know, that no matter what place I am in, can make me step out of Ed’s world of self judgement and step back into the present world–my three little brothers. Well, four actually, if I include my 20-year-old brother who towers over me as little, which I guess he technically is, so my four little brothers.
Getting dressed to get ready and come see them was honestly such an internal battle with Ed, I almost don’t even want to write about it. Nothing looked good. Nothing.
I switched shirts at least five times.
And when tears started coming to me, I found a way to swallow them back. Normally I am a big believer in that crying things out can make you feel a lot better, but after yesterday and my day on Friday, I need a break from my own tears.
But there is something about being with my three younger brothers that makes me almost untouchable to Ed.
Maybe it’s that when they are here, I would never let Ed touch them, so I make sure I stay present?
Maybe it’s because I know when they hug me and tell me they love me, it has nothing to do with how I look?
I’m not sure of the reason, all I know is that they are the three sole people in this entire world who can make me drown out Ed.
When they were hugging me and kissing me tonight, I kept thinking to myself, how will I explain to them that I just want to hold them because in their presence, I feel beautiful all over again because I feel so loved for just being me?
When my five year old brother got showered and dressed in five minutes all so I could take him to get his favorite black and white cookie (also my favorite cookie) how was I supposed to explain that the few bites ill share with him will mentally erupt Ed?
I couldn’t explain it and I never will.
Why can’t I find it to love myself the past few days the way they always unconditionally love me?
I could ask that question to myself a hundred times and come up with a thousand different answers.
If I can’t seem to completely find my own love for myself today, I will find, embrace and live through the love of others who do love me–from this blog, from the support group and from my family and friends.
Of course Ed is telling me that if I can’t even let him love me or myself love me, then I am weak for letting other people love me instead.
But maybe letting other people’s love for us be our own source for loving ourselves in days of self judgement isn’t such a weak thing to do?
Maybe it’s just another way of fighting and hoping for a better day tomorrow?
Regardless of what Ed is telling me, I will let the love that those three angels have for me be the love I live off tonight and hope that it carries me into a better day tomorrow.
And I did share that black and white cookie with my brothers, and I even made them and myself dinner.
It is my love for them that allowed me to do that tonight.
While it’s not as good as saying it was my love for myself that let me do that, it’s good enough for today because it shows that even though my own self love can’t beat Ed today, my love for my brothers can.
It’s a kind of selfless love that I will never let Ed take away from them or me.