Day 349: Hello Bad Day

Hi guys,

I write this post to you this morning in hopes that by writing, I will bring myself into a better place of mind.

I write this sitting in my car after I just dropped my sister off at the airport and I am parked right outside my gym. I just can’t seem to go inside right now with so many emotions weighing heavy on my heart.

So I decided I’ll spend half of the time I allocated to working out today to sitting here in the quiet and writing this post in hopes of giving myself my own kind of therapy.

My body is so sore today, I can barely move.

The skin on my stomach hurts, my chest hurts and my back is sore . Sore to the point like I feel I am bruised everywhere and my skin is so tender I can feel it everytime I move.

It’s one thing to indulge in yummy foods like I have been allowing myself to do for this past month, but it’s another thing to wake up the next morning after one of those indulgences, something that was supposed to be enjoyable, and feel physical pain everywhere.

How will I move today and deal with feeling this pain?

How will I sit and be present through my other cousins 18th birthday at my favorite steakhouse today? And not even get to fully enjoy it because I have to be so careful to not make my soreness worse?

I remember when I used to weigh myself, that number I saw every morning would be with me all day.

Just like a person has a cell phone number to be reached at 24/7, I had my number that Ed could reach me at 24/7.

Today, instead of that number, I have the physical discomfort of my body soreness. It’s a constant reminder of the “punishment” I get for eating everything Ed said not to.

And despite the dozens upon dozens of times I’ve gone through this soreness, this one is just really hard. It’s making me cry as I write this.

I am 16 days away from my one year mark without a scale and of being in recovery , and my body has still not found it’s way to naturally healing itself from all of Eds torture.

It’s draining.

I don’t have any answers today and I don’t have the inspiration I am in need of to even give myself at the moment.

All I have is my truth today, and sometimes, holding onto our truths during times of self doubt and self judgement is the best thing we can do.

My truth for the moment is that I am having a hard day.

That’s it .

Letting myself acknowledge that and letting myself have that is actually the most free I’ve felt since I woke up this morning.

I just posted a picture in the Facebook online fighter support group that said, “One hello could lead to a million things,” and I asked what the other fighters would say hello to.

I said hello to self love.

But now I want to say hello to my bad day. Because with saying hello to it, it means accepting it and then saying see you later to it tomorrow.

Maybe I can even say see you later to it later today.

I won’t say goodbye to it because that’s impossible to say goodbye to bad days forever.

But for now, I need to stick to my truth.

So hello bad day, I have hope we can get through this and soon you will be able to leave me.

And in the meantime, I’m going to accept that your here and just take it moment by moment.

Hello life.

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24 thoughts on “Day 349: Hello Bad Day

  1. Shira darling,
    365 days is just a number. Perfection is a lie. Our journeys of self discovery, recovery, rebuilding, evolving take a lifetime. We only stop growing and improving when we die. Dealing with your body pain is just another experience to add to all those other life experiences awaiting you. So embrace each day as unique and allow yourself the freedom of knowing that you don’t have to be perfect at recovery. You’ve already figured out so much, you’ll find your way.

    Love you!

    • Thank you Mary! You always give me exactly the right words of encouragement and love and support and somehow know what to say. Each day is a day of learning. This one just happens to be harder than the rest. I love you so much and am so grateful for your support ❤

  2. Shira, I would say to try a walk when your body is sore. It’s a gentle and quiet exercise that makes everything better sometimes, body and soul. You are in complete control of the route, the speed, the length. Also a soak in the tub and or a nap might ease your discomfort. All of your supporters would probably like to give you a hug right now to show you how much we care about the day you’re having. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Hoping you’ll get to a peaceful place today and enjoy the birthday party.

    • Hi Judy =) Thank you for such another beautiful and heartfelt comment. I did walk for a little bit and even though some tears came, I think it was good. It was a good release in a healthy way. Thank you for the advice and I know if you were here, you’d be one of the first people to come give me the greatest hug ever and I appreciate that and hold onto that more than you know. Thank you so much for caring about me and letting me share my feelings with you. It’s an honor to say your beside me during my journey. ❤

  3. Shira, What I have learned to do is to notice, acknowledge, allow.. what is there..the pain..I allow it to come and, as the healer in me, the strong, calm, adult healer, I ask what it wants, needs, is trying to offer. This is where my deeper healing started. This is how I broke free with no looking back. Fighting is good..honorable..especially the warrior fighting for peace..But this is how I have moved into wholeness and freedom from fighting. There is a new blog..the lady that actually helped me to do this..here, where I live. I will get the link. The steps above are from her. I recently contacted her again and she reminded me of these steps that lead to freedom. I have continued to study with others and follow this path.
    Much love and strength.
    Love,
    Laurie

  4. I’m proud of you for hanging on. It just seems like you must have so e kind of food allergies. Have you tried keeping track of what causes you so much pain or been tested? It just seems abnormal to be experiencing such distress after eating regularly for so long.

    >

    • Thank you Cori ❤️❤️❤️your support and the support of other fighters is the reason I was able to take each moment as it came yesterday and continue to do so today . Thank u for your kind and touching and heartfelt words ❤️

  5. I had my number that Ed could reach me at 24/7 – Hahaha, what a great way to put it. I absolutely agree—sometimes you take steps to make yourself mentally healthier, such as not using a scale, only to push that unhealthy habit onto something else. It’s really tricky to know when your body is telling you something useful, and when it’s ED-related problems telling you the wrong thing.

    my body has still not found it’s way to naturally healing itself from all of Eds torture – That’s okay! Healing takes time, and it’s not as if one day you’ll go to bed unhealthy and wake up perfectly cured the next morning. It’s gradual, and you’ve definitely progressed a TON. Really, I am so proud and inspired by your attitude and commitment. I’m sorry that you struggle, but it’s even more inspiring to know that you face the same frustrations and problems that I do, yet, instead of using them as an excuse to scurry back into your comfort zone, you continue challenging them.

    Hard days come. Good days come. And I’m so inspired to see that, regardless, you approach them with the same striving toward kindness and self-love. I know you’ll succeed, and I wish you all the best and support!

    • Hi!

      Thank you so much for such uplifting words again! I am really starting to love and look forward to your comments =) It definitely is a learning process when it comes to using other things as validation instead of a scale and finding patience to let my body heal itself, but its just like you said. Hard days come and good days come. I hope with the hard days we do face it makes the good days that much more special. Thank you so much for your heartfelt support! I wish you the same and we do go through the same issues, but we also are fighting every day, so go us! =)

    • I’m so sorry I totally thought I responded to this comment yesterday! Ah..technology issues! Thank you for this so much. I remember reading it last night and it really brought me a lot of comfort in knowing that we do struggle together. While I wish none of us struggled, if we are going to struggle, i find it strengthening and comforting to know we do experience so much of the same things together. And what you said is so true! There are good days and bad days. It really is as simple as that. And we as a support system are getting through them both together, thank you for being a part of it <333 sending you love and strength ❤

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