I write this post to you this morning in hopes that by writing, I will bring myself into a better place of mind.
I write this sitting in my car after I just dropped my sister off at the airport and I am parked right outside my gym. I just can’t seem to go inside right now with so many emotions weighing heavy on my heart.
So I decided I’ll spend half of the time I allocated to working out today to sitting here in the quiet and writing this post in hopes of giving myself my own kind of therapy.
My body is so sore today, I can barely move.
The skin on my stomach hurts, my chest hurts and my back is sore . Sore to the point like I feel I am bruised everywhere and my skin is so tender I can feel it everytime I move.
It’s one thing to indulge in yummy foods like I have been allowing myself to do for this past month, but it’s another thing to wake up the next morning after one of those indulgences, something that was supposed to be enjoyable, and feel physical pain everywhere.
How will I move today and deal with feeling this pain?
How will I sit and be present through my other cousins 18th birthday at my favorite steakhouse today? And not even get to fully enjoy it because I have to be so careful to not make my soreness worse?
I remember when I used to weigh myself, that number I saw every morning would be with me all day.
Just like a person has a cell phone number to be reached at 24/7, I had my number that Ed could reach me at 24/7.
Today, instead of that number, I have the physical discomfort of my body soreness. It’s a constant reminder of the “punishment” I get for eating everything Ed said not to.
And despite the dozens upon dozens of times I’ve gone through this soreness, this one is just really hard. It’s making me cry as I write this.
I am 16 days away from my one year mark without a scale and of being in recovery , and my body has still not found it’s way to naturally healing itself from all of Eds torture.
I don’t have any answers today and I don’t have the inspiration I am in need of to even give myself at the moment.
All I have is my truth today, and sometimes, holding onto our truths during times of self doubt and self judgement is the best thing we can do.
My truth for the moment is that I am having a hard day.
That’s it .
Letting myself acknowledge that and letting myself have that is actually the most free I’ve felt since I woke up this morning.
I just posted a picture in the Facebook online fighter support group that said, “One hello could lead to a million things,” and I asked what the other fighters would say hello to.
I said hello to self love.
But now I want to say hello to my bad day. Because with saying hello to it, it means accepting it and then saying see you later to it tomorrow.
Maybe I can even say see you later to it later today.
I won’t say goodbye to it because that’s impossible to say goodbye to bad days forever.
But for now, I need to stick to my truth.
So hello bad day, I have hope we can get through this and soon you will be able to leave me.
And in the meantime, I’m going to accept that your here and just take it moment by moment.