Today started out bad. Really, really bad.
The kind of bad that included almost a 30 minute body check, which was more like of a body attack on myself, and pictures of this body check (deleted right away but still) and pretty much just a lot of sadness.
I was sad because I felt like I was letting Ed just swallow me up in his mean and suffocating self and I was feeling stuck in it. I was so mean to myself and to my body in that mirror today.
It was like a 360 from yesterday where I had my first day of no body checks.
I was upset at how my body looked and I was mad at myself for this entire month of eating all this delicious holiday food, and even not holiday food, just eating sweets for fun, and I was mad at myself for not working out this week when I was sick.
Somehow, I found one moment of strength to stop myself, look at my own eyes in the mirror and give myself a pep talk.
At first I might have been embarrassed to say on this blog that I sometimes talk to myself in the mirror, but I’m not anymore, because it is the truth.
“Shira, so what if you don’t love your body right now? You are like every other American in this world who enjoyed the holiday season, give yourself a break.”
That’s the only thing I could manage to say to myself. But it was true.
I don’t own a scale of course, so I can’t tell you how much “holiday weight” I’ve gained (or think I’ve gained), but I figured it’s no more or less than the typical average American person.
And although part of me is still in Ed’s hands at the moment, the healthy recovery part of me is actually really proud of myself after that self talk intervention.
For the first time in years that I can remember, I was like everyone else this year.
For the first time in years, I actually went from Thanksgiving to New Years and ate and enjoyed yummy food and more than that, enjoyed the social gatherings around it.
If a few extra pounds comes with that, the recovery part of me says it is so worth it.
Not only was this the year that I was like every other American and indulged during the holidays but it was also the year that I started living in recovery.
This was the year that I rang in with my now ex-boyfriend, who is no longer in my life. This is the same year that I left our three year relationship to go find my own voice and my own strength, and it’s the year I left him knowing I am deserving of someone to respect my voice.
This was the year that I left his family, who had become my family, back in my past. His family was Ed’s family too. We loved them. I loved them. It was one of the greatest heartaches I’ve felt this entire year.
This was the year that loneliness and self doubt often kept me company, but it was also the year that I’ve grown closer in my friendships than any other time in my life.
This was the year that 20 days after 2013 started, I decided to give up my scale.
This was the year that I stopped using my weight, my calories and my clothing sizes to define me.
This was the year I was forced to unlearn every truth I ever thought was true about myself, many of which Ed taught me, and the year I was forced to create new truths for myself.
This was the year that my truth now begins with my story. This was the year that my truth begins with my soul, my inner being, and my spirit-not with my physical looks.
This was the year that I not only was the top senior reporter for my university newspaper, but the year I graduated college.
This was the year that someone sent me an email saying this blog saved their life.
This was the year that strangers from all around the world, have now become friends and support systems for one another, through this journey.
This was the year that an online support group was created out of this blog- a support group that will live on so far longer than this blog ever will.
This was the year that my black and white way of thinking turned into gray.
This was the year that I have learned how to finally start showing myself the kind of unconditional love that I have always shown to others.
This was the year that I decided to change my life for no one else other than myself.
This was the year hello life was born.
This was the year of hope.