Happy last Monday of 2013 lifers,
So I kind of stole my own words out of my mouth with how I wanted to start this post with my own greeting, but today is the last Monday of 2013 and thinking about that had a strong impact on me.
When I was locked in Ed all of the time before I started recovery, Monday was my most hated and dreaded day of the week.
Monday was the day after I would let myself “binge” on Sunday night (which looking back now from a recovery standpoint, I was never binging, I was just simply eating), and so it was the most restrictive day of my week.
I would wake up, exercise, sweat, eat 15 prunes throughout my entire day, and then workout again at night, all in efforts to lose whatever amount of weight I had gained on Sunday.
It was prison. It was robotic. It wasn’t free.
I would go to sleep on Sunday’s feeling so full and yet so mad and angry because I knew what Ed had coming for me on Monday. And I don’t think there was a Monday that I ever didn’t listen to Ed while I was locked in him.
He owned every single Monday-every single Monday of 2012 was like that, and even a few in 2013.
But today, I spent my last Monday of this year far away from the trapped soul I once was when I was living, walking and breathing as Ed.
I am still getting better from being sick, so there was no working out today. Instead, there was a therapy session with E.
And then when I got home, it was time I organized my room, and in the process, I ended up organizing my jeans.
OK, so even for people without eating disorders, going through old clothes can be hard, but for people in recovery, it is even harder.
Obviously, I wish I didn’t try any of the old ones on. But I did.
I already told my mom yesterday for all the world to see on this blog that I need new jeans, and she was so happy to buy me some, so why even try on my old ones?
I don’t have an answer for that other than Ed.
But, I tried on three pairs. Three. It wasn’t all of them and it wasn’t the whole drawer. And they were the ones that I also got in the beginning of my recovery which just like the ones from yesterday, are also now tight . So I gave them to my housekeeper.
She was so happy because she said her granddaughter would fit in them.
Knowing that my old jeans that at one time were my first pair of recovery jeans could now make someone else happy, made me feel happy too.
Instead of going back to yesterdays cycle of why they once fit at a time when I thought my body was no longer changing, I decided to just move on. That was yesterday’s lesson, so let’s just leave it in yesterday.
Also, not to put anyone on the spot, but in the meantime of my cleaning I got an email from someone named Rachel in the UK asking for some hello life Bracelets. Rachel, so sorry to address you here, but it’s important to me I get back to everyone, and your email address is bouncing back to me so I can’t respond to you.
The contact me form worked, so if you use it to send me your address, I will have the bracelet on their way to you shortly.
So anyways, right as I was about to write this blog post, I realized that I didn’t’ do a body check this morning.
This is the first time, and I mean first time, ever, that I have not done a body check in at least two years, including my time in recovery and including the entire time of this blog.
I was trying to think of what possessed me to forget about the body check this morning and I was trying to think about what could have been so important that Ed made me forget to do it.
You know what I was doing this morning?
I was texting my 10 year old brother who has the flu and is sick at home, and I was giving him advice on what to eat and drink to feel better.
My care and love for him was greater than Ed’s demise for me.
From Monday’s being my most hated day of the week, to this last Monday of the year being the first time I didn’t do a body check, a day where I gave away old clothes, and a day that I took to rest my body because I am sick, I think it is safe to say that I’ve taken my Monday’s back from Ed.
It was the best Monday of all 2013. Save the best for last right?