Day 339: Holding Onto The Image Of Hope

Hello everyone,

We made it.

It’s the day after Christmas, meaning that Christmas Eve and Christmas day have passed and we made it.

On that note: quick update on the fighter support group: the first email will go out tomorrow. Please continue to let me know if you want to be  a part of it. We are a strong group of 11 fighters so far and I’m very excited for it.

At least for me, being in post two days of non stop food and holiday eating mode, I am feeling really accomplished.

I tried ham for the first time this Christmas. I tried duck for the first time. I had three dinners yesterday and about three dessert sessions to go with it.

I ate it all and loved the taste of it all, but mostly, I loved the fact that I was able to spend time with people.

If I was locked in my eating disorder, there is no way I would have gone to my Christmas Eve dinner, or to any of the Christmas meals yesterday, and I would have spent it alone.

Just Ed and I at home.

To know that I spent it with people, with laughter, with smiles and yes, with delicious yummy food, reminds me of the freedom that never goes away in the recovery world.

When I got home last night, I decided that today was the day I was finally going to take a day off. I know I am sick and I need to rest, so why not take a mini staycation in my bed.

I decided that I won’t set my alarm for today and that I won’t do anything but rest in my nice bed and watch movies.

I actually went through with not setting my alarm, but I didn’t really relax today because I spent my time still endlessly applying to jobs, but I got 50 percent of the staycation down with not setting my alarm.

A morning where I didn’t wake up to my alarm telling me it’s time to go to the gym is a big win for me.

I don’t remember the last morning I had like that and it was really peaceful. Even though I know I’m not going because I am sick, it doesn’t matter.

The point is I didn’t go and it felt good.

Ironically enough my twin sister is sick too with the same sore throat as me.

I still ate breakfast, and was feeling really good about it, considering Ed told me not to because since I can’t swallow it means I can’t eat-which is not true.

So when lunch time came around, I was honestly thankful she was here.

“Shira, I’m hungry. Let’s eat lunch.”

Um…lunch? Ed didn’t want me to eat lunch today.

He told me lunch was going to be tea.

And today, I truly did’t have an appetite to eat because I am sick. But I know by now, that whereas some people who are not in recovery for eating disorders may get the so called luxury of not eating because they are sick, I can’t do that. At least not right now.

So, my sister and I had lunch together and it was such an interesting experience for me to observe.

We both had soup since we both have sore throats. But the way we each prepared our meals were so different.

She just poured her soup into her bowl straight from the carton. No measuring or anything. Just poured whatever she wanted.

I measured out specifically one cup of soup for my bowl.

She added loads of parmesan cheese to her soup, again, not measuring.

I measured the cheese into mine.

And then I brought out a box of crackers for us to eat with our soup, and while I was counting every one I ate, she didn’t seem to count hers.

I don’t even think she knows how many calories are in each cracker–a fact that I know very well.

I’m not mad at myself for measuring my food, because right now, it’s what I need to stick to my meal plan.

I know I need to eat and I know it’s hard to eat when I am sick, so if measuring it makes me feel a little bit more in control, then why not? There is no hand-book on eating when your sick when your in recovery for an eating disorder, so I’m finding what works as I go.

But seeing my sister not measure her soup, or her cheese, or her crackers-and thinking about the idea that she probably has no idea how many calories was in this meal, nor did she seem to care, made me smile with joy.

That is the world of someone who isn’t tainted by Ed.

Sometimes, and on a lot of days, it’s my world too, even if it wasn’t totally my world today.

Looking at my sister gave me hope.

That will be me one day.

I will be the one not measuring, or counting crackers.

It might not be today, or even a month or year from now, but it will be me.

Holding onto that image of hope close to my heart is what is giving me strength today.

Hello life.


9 thoughts on “Day 339: Holding Onto The Image Of Hope

  1. I don’t count either. There’s hope! The fighter thing sounds interesting. Are you starting a group?
    Yay for making it through the holidays.. It got a little rough for me at the inlaws. So we are taking it easy too.
    Love –

  2. I’m happy I was able to eat with you and I’m proud you of you for having soup ! I wish I could give you my mind free Ed but unfortunately its not that easy. It’s ok to count, it’s ok to measure, youve come a very long Way and yes, one day you will eat a meal and be free of numbers in your head but until then you are still defeating Ed each and every day slowly by slowly coming closer to that goal. I’m thanful I was there to eat with you. Love you This is your battle and it’s a tough one a very tough one but you continue to put up a fight because you’re a fighter and a strong strong person who deserves to be happy and at peace …which you will be at ! Because of your strength and courage to be open, you are making a difference in yourself and in the lives of others each and every single day helping so many to become happy and healthy ! …( job or no job that’s a bigger accomplishment than most people have in a lifetime)

  3. I know that you can do it girlie! I am so proud of you for making it through the holidays with so much success. You are a true warrior of this disease. If anyone can beat it, you can.

  4. What are the odds that 2 of the people I follow are sets of twins! I didn’t know you had a twin; it must give you a unique perspective of what a non-ED you would look like.

    I don’t count calories although because I cook from scratch I do have to figure out the nutritional data for those meals. I take that info into my nutritionist who than tells me how much of it to eat. I weigh and measure all my food. It is the only way I can feel safe. I also teach myself to learn what, say, a half cup of pasta looks like when cooked so if i go out I can guestimate what I have and not freak out.

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