Day 335: We Don’t Choose Our Bad Days

Hi guys,

Well, I guess it’s safe to say that we don’t choose when we have bad or good days, right?

I didn’t want or choose for today to not be the greatest day, but so far it hasn’t been.

Do I wish that the day after I celebrated one month left of this journey was a good day ? Yes.

Do I wish that these bad days stopped popping up so randomly? Yes.

And when I say bad day, I don’t mean not eating . At this point in my recovery, eating on my meal plan (at minimum) is just a daily thing like brushing my teeth.

Today, I am talking about the way I feel about my body.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin today.

This entire week has been a battle of being uncomfortable with the fact that I still don’t have a job and it’s caused me to really look at how I define myself and now it’s returned full circle to the battle of being physically and mentally uncomfortable in my own skin.

I can’t choose my bad days, but I know that I can choose my reaction.

To sit here and write that I am going to just smile and move on like I am OK today would be a lie and it wouldn’t be realistic right now.

While on some bad days I can do that, today is not one of them.

But what I can do and will do is accept what is.

I can try to fight this feeling and make myself feel guilty about having a bad day, and feel guilty about all the body checks I did today and feel guilty about the complaining about my body that I’ve done to my sister today.

But why?

Things happen. Days happen. And bad days happen even after good days.

There are a lot of things about recovery that have nothing to do with our bodies, but then there are days or moments where the harsh reality that my body is changing and clothes are fitting differently are elements that I can’t avoid.

So, today is one of those days.

I might not smile and be the happiest of people today, but I will get through it.

I think getting through is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves, especially on our bad days that we don’t choose to have.

Here’s to getting through until tomorrow.

Hello life.

 

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8 thoughts on “Day 335: We Don’t Choose Our Bad Days

  1. Shira, You are in transition now without your regular routine of school and writing for the college paper. It can be a difficult time when you may not have a routine or structure to your days. You are changing identies in a way and looking for the path to a career and new life direction.. When I retired from a job I loved, I felt that loss of identity and it was hard to move past the feeling. Pretend you are on vacation and can fill your days any way you want (except for the job hunting responsibilities). Do fun things, see art exhibits, call old friends, redecorate your room, spread your wings. Don’t let Ed steal your free time that you have earned. Good things will come your way.

    • Dear Judy,
      Thank you so much for this comment. Everything you said was so on point and so true. It really made me feel not as alone to read about your experience when you retired from the job you loved, because it shows me everyone goes through this. I ove the idea of a vacation. I guess it kind of really is like that, right? And thank you for saying “free time I earned,” because I felt like it gave me permission to enjoy and hearing it from someone like you who I respect so much really means a lot. Thank you for your love and unconditional support <333

  2. Shira, I had an incredibly bad day, exactly one week ago. As I told you, I am 12 years in recovery. My issues stemmed from the unknown….I am currently in a job where I don’t know what will happen after January and that is freaking me out a bit. There are other areas of my life that are uncertain. Instead of rolling with the punches, I reacted very similarly to the way you described in your post – I internalized it – made it seem like the unknown has something to do with my self worth and spoke negatively to my body and self. While I realize this isn’t necessarily the reaction you’re hoping to get – know that these reactions get farther and farther apart. The last time I had one of these kinds of reactions was nearly 3 years ago. 3 YEARS.

    Keep doing what you’re doing – it gets better. Hugs – you’re friend in Philly

    • Dear Katie,
      I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a bad day a week ago =( It might not be the right thing to say, but knowing that even someone in recovery for 12 years has bad days too actually makes me feel better because I know I am not alone and maybe I don’t need to feel so guilty about it. The best part about your comment was the fact that you said one of those negative reactions to a bad day was 3 years ago. 3 YEARS?!! That is like a dream and it gives me so much hope. Thank you for sharing your experience and your hope with me <33

  3. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now and kind of see a pattern. You can disregard this if you wish but I thought it might be something interesting to look at. Your treats to yourself come in two forms: (1) you consciously decide to have some kind of sweet treat or other kind of food and mindfully eat it to change your thinking to normal rational thought instead of ED related accusations; and (2) times when you eat treats in a carefree fun way with other people so you’re not really thinking about the food, per se, but about having fun with people without concern for food. See what I mean?

    The pattern:

    What I have noticed is that after you do the latter experience, the next day is a bad body image day whereas when you have the first experience, the next day is one of quiet success. My thoughts on this, or at least for me, are that the latter experience is completely normal behavior, there is nothing ‘controlled’ about it. It is what non-ED people do, it is being a 100% recovered and although it is great fun during the situation, it is terrifying when it is all done. There are so many thoughts that come crashing in afterward like “what if the ED is gone, what will I do for stressful situations”, “what if I lose control and end up back where I was when the ED started”, “who am I if not someone recovering from an ED?” And so forth.

    In recovery we are still in control, its just a different kind of control. Being recovered means we are using control through other non-food/weight related tools which means we have to have a non-ED identity which, for many of us, have no clue what that identity would be.

    Maybe you should start writing about the topic of Recovery vs Recovered now that you are closer to your one year anniversary?

    Also, you are losing what you’ve chosen as your identity during this recovery time, i.e., head writer, student, etc… and now you are slowly eliminating the ED Recovery label… which leaves you with what? Finding a new identity on top of finding a job and so forth. It is LOADS of hard work so are you surprised by falling back into disgruntled body image issues? Shira, you are SO much more than labels, you are a whole person deserving of happiness and a complicated identity which can be determined over the course of the next, say, 5 years. Creating an identity is not an overnight task and shouldn’t be simplified by what you do. You are NOT what you do, you ARE who you ARE, that is, a human being not a human doing.

    Think of this as an adventure you are just beginning. Perhaps start a new travel blog, except instead of writing about going to Mount Everest, you are writing about seeking yourself. Traveling takes you down many roads, seen and unseen… you are a writer so it seems appropriate for you to write your journey. Just saying… 🙂

    • Oh my Gosh, I don’t know where to start with this amazing incredible comment. First, I never realized that pattern until I just read what you wrote, and you are so right! And to see that it’s normal and you think it’s normal helps me feel a lot better.

      I also love the idea of a new beginning =) Or an adventure. It’s a good way to change perspective, thank you!

      • I just watched a movie on Netflix last night that you might be interested in seeing, simply for the perspective of going on a journey. It’s called The Way (2010) with Martin Sheen. I rated it 5 stars worthy of a re-watch.

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